tryingtolive101
New Here
I'm so tired. I fought through grad school and make even less than I did before I graduated. My field is extremely exploitative - it has high job security, but low pay and extremely high stress and burnout. I left my very well paying job in my field because I was stressed to the point of constant SI. A coworker and their supervisor did something extremely illegal/unethical (I want to describe what happened, but I fear it may violate privacy laws) but instead of resolving it, they covered the issue with a lie, passed the case to me, and made me repsonsible for the outcome. That coworker still has their credentials.
My spouse and I bought a house before I left that job, and now I can't afford my end of the mortgage. I'm a contract worker with inconsistent pay; I make maybe less than half of what I used to make. Student loans still take a bite out of my check every month.
I'm thinking about going back to school to get my PhD, and I reached out to my current supervisor for a letter of recommendation. This supervisor also supervised me as an intern when I was in grad school, so it felt like they were the perfect option. But what actually happened was I got a really long email that essentially asked if I plan on staying at the job/practice. I responded and haven't had follow-up. I am actually half expecting them to cut me loose. I feel stupid.
I'm an artist on the side. I've set up online shops. I've paid for ads. I've advertised myself on socials. I've made pretty sheets for commissions and circulated them on my socials. I actually have a decent following and have hit semi-virality a few times. I've researched the best days and times to upload and the best hashtags to use. I have been at this for literal years. But it never goes anywhere. I have spent far, far more money on trying to get eyes on my work than anything I have ever gotten back. There's a really talented artist in my area who is a little younger, and their artistic career is taking off tremendously. I'm so happy and proud of them, but I sometimes feel like crying because I can never understand what I'm missing.
I try so hard. I fought so hard to live. I try so, so hard. But nothing ever works. I thought sticking around would feel worth it. I felt so proud when I got those acheivements, getting my graduate degree and licenses and certificates. It made me happy that I stayed alive. But I put in so much and only get more debt, and if it isn't debt, it's being exploited and stressed to death. I can't find a job in my field that isn't awful. I don't know if I'll be able to get my PhD. I have family members who tell me at every moment that I made the wrong choice ("You're supposed to be smart, aren't you?"), and I wonder if they're right.
I've tried therapy with little to no change. My current therapist told me that I overemphasize the bad things. I have told her nothing in this post - she responded this way after I described family trauma over a few sessions. She made a few comments in the past, but this comment in particular made me realize that she really doubts how serious the abuse was and views my response as cognitive distortions. I have tried so many therapists. I remember walking into a therapy office a few years ago only to learn from staff that I was dropped from my therapist's caseload without notice. I thought maybe she quit, but I saw her around the office a few weeks later. The most I get from therapy usually is a therapist who grows increasingly frustrated with me.
They upped my antidepressants and they only work a little while.
Why am I here? Why do I try? Why does fighting so hard bring me nothing? Why did I stay?
My spouse and I bought a house before I left that job, and now I can't afford my end of the mortgage. I'm a contract worker with inconsistent pay; I make maybe less than half of what I used to make. Student loans still take a bite out of my check every month.
I'm thinking about going back to school to get my PhD, and I reached out to my current supervisor for a letter of recommendation. This supervisor also supervised me as an intern when I was in grad school, so it felt like they were the perfect option. But what actually happened was I got a really long email that essentially asked if I plan on staying at the job/practice. I responded and haven't had follow-up. I am actually half expecting them to cut me loose. I feel stupid.
I'm an artist on the side. I've set up online shops. I've paid for ads. I've advertised myself on socials. I've made pretty sheets for commissions and circulated them on my socials. I actually have a decent following and have hit semi-virality a few times. I've researched the best days and times to upload and the best hashtags to use. I have been at this for literal years. But it never goes anywhere. I have spent far, far more money on trying to get eyes on my work than anything I have ever gotten back. There's a really talented artist in my area who is a little younger, and their artistic career is taking off tremendously. I'm so happy and proud of them, but I sometimes feel like crying because I can never understand what I'm missing.
I try so hard. I fought so hard to live. I try so, so hard. But nothing ever works. I thought sticking around would feel worth it. I felt so proud when I got those acheivements, getting my graduate degree and licenses and certificates. It made me happy that I stayed alive. But I put in so much and only get more debt, and if it isn't debt, it's being exploited and stressed to death. I can't find a job in my field that isn't awful. I don't know if I'll be able to get my PhD. I have family members who tell me at every moment that I made the wrong choice ("You're supposed to be smart, aren't you?"), and I wonder if they're right.
I've tried therapy with little to no change. My current therapist told me that I overemphasize the bad things. I have told her nothing in this post - she responded this way after I described family trauma over a few sessions. She made a few comments in the past, but this comment in particular made me realize that she really doubts how serious the abuse was and views my response as cognitive distortions. I have tried so many therapists. I remember walking into a therapy office a few years ago only to learn from staff that I was dropped from my therapist's caseload without notice. I thought maybe she quit, but I saw her around the office a few weeks later. The most I get from therapy usually is a therapist who grows increasingly frustrated with me.
They upped my antidepressants and they only work a little while.
Why am I here? Why do I try? Why does fighting so hard bring me nothing? Why did I stay?
