Any Pointers?

[Riot]

I am still having weird feelings about therapy. I know at this point we're circling the big issue, but it doesn't seem to really happen. I feel like I'm dwelling on it. I want to get it over with, but at the same time, I feel incredibly avoidant, too. I know it's all part of the process, but I still feel stuck even though dialog is improving with my therapist. There's still a lot of anxiety going in, too. Although, this week I start going biweekly.

Does anyone have any pointers on how to ask about the right things I should be asking about, or how to open dialog on the issues I keep being avoidant over? I am PTSD affirmed, now, and I'm sure I'll be CSA confirmed once I actually tell him. (Although, we did briefly acknowledge the hinting at this point.)

 

[Panda Bear]

Been doing therapy for 4yrs....I still have weird feelings about it.

I still circle topics and the depth of them....

I still get anxious....

My best tool at starting difficult topics is with an email. Per my Ts request after we discovered how helpful it was for me to get things going after arriving each week. I send an update the day before my appointment with a run down of how the week went, what didn't work and where I'd like to go next.

In those notes, I bring up some hefty subjects.....like my CSA....

Early on, T would go from the notes and get things started. Now, the email is a place for me to get things going. He used to review them, now I'm supposed to be the one who starts each session with reviewing and asking for what I need.

For you, would an email work?

 

[Riot]

@Panda Bear, eh, not sure I'm feeling the email aspect. But, thanks for the thoughts!

 

[Suzetig]

I do this all the time, in fact I'm in the middle of this kind of circling process just now. There are things I know I need to talk about, that I feel disproportionate amounts of shame about and that my T and I have touched on or talked about talking about since the end of last year.

For me the only thing that works is letting myself get there in my own time, if I try to force it I shut down. So, this week we talked about my pattern of half bringing it, making oblique references to it and starting to open it up just as we were out of time and what that's about for me. My T reiterated for the hundredth time that it takes the time that it takes and we talked about shame a lot. I know I'm chipping away and will get there but it does take time.

Are you able to "talk about talking about it", eg what your fears are, how your relationship with your T is etc?

 

[Friday]

how to open dialog on the issues I keep being avoidant over?

"So Sven, do you have any pointers on how I can open a dialogue with you on things I keep being avoidant over? Or how we can best approach issues I really want to deal with but am avoiding?"

No idea why I named your therapist Sven. But, for real, ask him the same way you asked us. That way you two can work out a system or protocol for not just this particular issue/issues, but also for future ones.

 

[Riot]

@Suzetig, our relationship is still somewhat new, but much more comfortable. I know exactly what you mean by just getting there. I recognize this is self sabotage. I did bring that up, and he mostly just nodded. I keep intending to bring it up somehow, but then I always feel like I get sidetracked and by the point I have even a shred of courage it's almost time for the session to be over.

@FridayJones, haha, Sven sounds good to me. I guess I'll try to figure out some concise way to ask for help getting through it even just once.

 

[barefoot]

I do this all the time too - even if it's something I think I really want/need to talk about and discuss with her, when I get in the session I will go mute/get distracted and talk about other stuff/do surface level tiptoeingaround the topic, which doesn't really get to the core of what I wanted to discuss/be otherwise avoidant.

If I repeatedly don't manage to say what I really want to say, I get really frustrated with myself and will maybe then email her to say, I want to talk to you about X but then get in the room and can't/don't say it... It's partly me venting and partly giving her a heads up.

Also, I occasionally text her on the day of our session to say 'there's something I want to talk to you about today' or 'I want to talk to you about X today, so if I look like I have nothing to say, can you please mention this?!' It's really a quick, light way for me to try to make myself accountable for saying what I need to. Obviously, if she then gives me a nudge about it when I see her and then I still don't say (which has happened before) that probably tells her something too!

As some others have said though, this is slow work and it takes time to build a relationship and to feel safe enough to go there with the more difficult stuff. So I'd also agree with not rushing it. This:

how to ask about the right things I should be asking about,

sounds to me like you're putting yourself under pressure...to do things properly, to get things done,.. The 'right' things you 'should' be asking about... I do this too - my therapist has told me countless times that there are no right or wrong ways to do therapy and that I can just show up and be however I need to be in any given session. It used to drive me nuts because I wanted her to tell me how to do it right and what I needed to do to make progress most quickly so her patient smile and 'this will take time' message used to frustrate the hell out of me. Now - I try to be accepting of the fact that how I am in a session (whether that's chatting about nothing in particular, being avoidant, trying to entertain her with funny stories, dissociating) is for a reason. So I try (don't always succeed!) not to give myself a hard time about it and not to be in such a hurry to try to forcibly move things on.

Also agree with those who suggested 'talking about talking about it.' It could open things up a little and allow you to continue to build your relationship with your therapist so that you can dip your toe a little and see if you want to start going there with her at the moment.

 

[Riot]

@barefoot, thanks for your thoughts.

 

[sun seeker]

I wonder about how you are positioned in the room. Would it work better, maybe, to sit so you're not looking at your therapist? Look at the floor?

And I agree, start by saying that there is something you want to bring up but are having a hard time getting started. Your therapist will be used to this. Happens all the time for them. Something that might help, I don't know: Keep in mind that the anxiety/fear/whatever is getting in the way of talking, is part of what you need to work on, too. I want to say "as much as the trauma itself" and not sure if that is exaggerating. Maybe not though. Whatever makes it so hard to talk, it seems to me, is part of the effects of the trauma. By working through that, you ARE working on the trauma because you are working on some of the effects it has on your life. I know saying what happened feels like a huge hurdle looming, but you haven't "failed" at therapy if you haven't yet said it. Working around it from the edges is valid too.

 

[sun seeker]

I should have added, based on your other recent post, that possibly you are self harming because of the extreme frustration around wanting to bring this up and not knowing how? Please be sure to bring up both so they get the full picture.

 

[Riot]

@sun seeker, thanks for your thoughts. I did self harm before going to therapy, just not as extreme. Although, I suppose it's not impossible that your scenario is right. I'm dissociating pretty hard at the moment.

 

[sun seeker]

I did self harm before going to therapy, just not as extreme.

Got it. I'd still say bring it up so s/he has the full picture.

By the way, can I ask if your therapist is a man or a woman? I keep trying to find neutral language but I'd like to be able to use the correct pronouns. :-)