Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

Oh Abstract, you're right, good question (truly, literally). All worst-case scenario feelings. Being helpless, having a disaster strike. Being black-mailed, even though I haven't done anything wrong to anyone. Living in future fear. Even pay-back of sorts, for not being empathetic or understanding (truly) enough to the woman I (sort-of) know, and (that, therefore), I will be there myself one day (maybe soon)- "Then you'll (I'll) get it".

Oh yikes, specifically unpleasant, and specifically to me. Think it followed I was just happy. Like, when you gently smile at others (strangers), many today smiled back, a few it made them angrier, it seemed (I know that can be the case if someone is already angry/ having a bad time).

 

[Tinyflame]

I know what I'm going to do, if I can tomorrow. Though it will require some cost out of pocket. But I guess at the heart of the matter, is recognizing who I can trust, but who I can't also. I think that's the bottom line. But, to know who is or isn't, that's a Blessing. I've so often ended up in abusive spots, because it isn't people who should be afforded the trust. But instead of being frightened, I have a choice of what I can do (hopefully). Even if the mistrust would turn out to be unfounded, 'I' have a choice. My gut tells me that's a better choice, though not sure if it's just fear talking.

There are many things to be thankful for, I want to get back to that. Trustworthy, good people are rare, also. Not common. That's ok to realize.

It's hard to find the words, but some people are very good, and kind, through-and-through. Ones who are not able- not unkind necessarily exactly but not above-board, at the very least, try to appear that way. Not meaning to sound paranoid, jut recognizing the difference.

Like even the lady this morning, we don't have the same parallels, I don't believe. I don't mean it in a judgmental way, but just that I think there are some (possibly large) differences.

And I also thought of what a very trustworthy co-worker of mine would do.

Thank you Dear Abstract, xox.

 

[Sailorgal]

It is hard to trust people, but trusting doesn't mean the other person isn't responsible. When we get a bank loan, the bank "trusts" us to pay them back. It is healthy for us to have an expectation when there is agreement.

With PTSD we expect them to let us down, we are too afraid of voicing our opinion or defending ourselves. And we play victim all over again.

Trust your gut Junebug. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks SG. It's funny because trustworthy people are easy to trust. It's people you wonder about, (well when it has implications for yourself), I don't want to think badly of them, or I tend to try to give the benefit of the doubt. I wish I was less tired, I could determine better what my gut tells me. I have to figure it out before tonight. :( I don't want to pay out of pocket, this time of year. But it could be deleterious if not. Ugh. My gut is inclined to choose to cover my rear. :( Short term loss for longer-term security. But then I wonder if I'm just worrying too much.

 

[Sailorgal]

I don't know what your situation is but you know what is best for you! You will do the right thing. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks for the vote of confidence SG. I wish I were as confident. :( I asked my sister, she didn't feel I should worry but said to do what I thought. Of course, if I knew what to think I wouldn't be asking her!

However, I know it's also my fault I get consumed with a fear of the very worst happening, and that goes from 0-to-60 in 4 seconds. I know it's because (to a certain degree), really really bad scenarios have befallen in the past, but (or so) I can't seem to stop my mind from that. Fatalizing, but also the 'reality' that's sometimes been in the past.

Yikes. Worst part is it's either a blessing or a curse, s to speak. Want to think positive, but yikes, can't be stupid, either. Is it prudent caution or needless worry? I can't figure out which (upon which all else depends as to what to do. :( ).

 

[Sailorgal]

Well the 0-60 won't go away but can be managed. :)

As long as you keep grounding yourself and focus on today and analyze it for what it is (which is the tough part, right?) and not reacting to the PTSD is what matters. How easy our mind shifts when we are in a fearful situation. Hope you are able to talk yourself back to reality. :)

 

[Abstract]

But I guess at the heart of the matter, is recognizing who I can trust, but who I can't also. I think that's the bottom line.... I've so often ended up in abusive spots, because it isn't people who should be afforded the trust. .

Hi Junebug,
I suspect there are many of us who struggle with this a lot and it is hard and sometimes takes a lot of hard work over a long time period to learn it.

I think one thing that helps is to not make absolute judgements. So we don't sort people into definite total trust or definite total no trust. I think a lot of it is about looking at when we need to defend our boundaries and that will happen with every single person we interact with at some point of another. Some people are just plain untrustworthy and better avoided completely of course.

Letting little things go can lead to almost teaching others we have no boundaries.

You said before that you want to be there for your sister regardless of how she behaves as she is your sister. I may be misunderstanding but I think that type of thinking can put us at a lot of risk and can also mean we slip into enabling behaviour quite quickly. We can love someone unconditionally and totally but I think its best not to intend to be there for them no matter what they do or no matter how they behave. There is some pretty good information on this site about this stuff. How no matter what someone's problems are that there is no excuse to behave abusively and it isn't good for anyone concerned in my opinion. We can understand sometimes but it still doesn't mean we should condone it. People need to know it is not OK to treat us badly. And that is the case with all the little things that happen as well as the big ones.

I think what can be confusing is when we have wanted and needed to be loved unconditionally. And that can get caught up in the other stuff. Everyone should be loved unconditionally and completely by someone. To know that they care that much for us. Our parents should always and it is particularly awful when they don't or can't. But OKing bad behaviour and not having boundaries is a separate issue to love.

I also think that when it comes to trust it isn't an absolute thing because people maybe have degrees of trustworthiness. Some people we trust enough to let them take our dog for walk. Others we evaluate as trustworthy enough to tell them when we are vulnerable and upset about something. And still others we determine we can tell them about the deeply vulnerable making stuff that we discuss on this board. I used to not be able to first think about who would be likely to be safe with what. Actually the worse the person was the more my boundaries seemed to disappear.

I think at the heart of this is assertive behaviour. What standing up for oneself assertively looks like. It isn't being a victim and asking to be treated better and it isn't being an aggressor and abusing in return.

I hope some of that is'nt gobbledygook :confused: or off topic for what you were thinking about.

 

[Abstract]

Link Removed
I just looked to see if I could find some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) information to do with thinking the worst thing possible is going to happen. This looks at it fairly well I thought. You may know this stuff already of course!;)

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh DearSailorgal and Abstract, thank you.

I had only a chance to see SG's last post, and tried to follow it, and to 'assume' it likely the ptsd could be complicating matters. Well, that and said a prayer.

To my sister's credit, she texted 'do what ever will reduce the worry, if the worry is going to ruin Christmas for you".

But I am very thrilled and relieved with the result, and at the risk of 'jinxing it', feel that it is ok.

I think the point is, what SG said, ptsd does have it's role or affect. And as you said Abstract, from lack of assertiveness, and boundaries, and especially even also black-and-white thinking in terms of trust. I will look up the article on panic, I never recognize I do, and even have to remind myself that fear is there. That is, there is lots of fear there, but fear is that last thing I acknowledge as having a part in my own cognitions. A good friend here told me once even the feeling of not belonging can be due to low-grade panic.

Am very tired, but thankful. And did realize I guess perhaps what is most important in a sense. I am absolutely terrified of being out of work. Across the board- due to any reason, physical illness too, or even SI. Because I thought, as far as going to a Dr goes, if it's as regards myself, well I'm not likely to if I were the only one in my family living. But, if it was just about what I potentially had to go through (physically), I'd suck it up (so to speak), in fact be the 'ideal patient' (compliant). But it's the thought of not being able to work- total panic. I don't know entirely 'why', beyond the obvious. But like that Pete Walker article said about ending up a bag lady- I don't know, I can totally relate.

Thank you so much, that helps so much, I will look it up to Abstract.

(((((((Big Hugs, SG and Abstract)))))), xox.

 

[Abstract]

Hugs Junebug,

It is hard to stop these things when we have had bad things happen in the past. Its hard not to feel that it is just the right thing to feel they will happen again. And it is very hard to try to figure out how much of what we feel is from other stuff. I totally agree with sailorgirl in what she said and am glad it helped. The link talks through some similar ways of breaking down what we are feeling and why. I think PTSD, trauma and all abuse leads to a lot of these things for a lot of reasons.

The stuff around boundaries is more a general thing rather than about this as I know you have been exploring these things.

I obviously know nothing about the specific situation you are finding troubling at the moment (it seems maybe to do with work and partly the person you met up with) but am glad you have some clarity. It might help as an exercise to explore what work symbolises to you. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Abstract, yes, thank you.

Yikes, I can only think what the absence symbolizes (guarantees, in my mind), not only a loss of way to contribute (financially), but most certain homelessness, vulnerability, lack of resources, and no way to protect myself. Because there's no one to help prevent that, or a 'cushion' of time where it would be acceptable, it depends on me.