Sufferer Looking For Any Support I Can Get. At The End Of My Rope

[Shannonstrong]

Seymour..thats great you have your grandkids. And as far as people close to me, Im pretty much how you described. According to my wife, Im almost impossible at times. One thing she fails to realize tho is I get nothing emotionally from her which really doesn't help my already wondering mood. I had this person I used to work with and they were always telling me how much I could accomplish and when I said I was going to focus on my business, they told me I could do all the time. That kinda stuff helped me tremendously, since leaving and now always being told everything that Im not doing right all the time I have went from being motivated and focused to the misery I used to be in.

brat17...she would never let that fly, sometimes I think she only sticks in the marriage is because she knows I will leave and then she wouldn't have a choice but to send my daughter to florida for visitation. She also said lastnight she would never move because of her family. My question on that is ..when you get married are you going to do whats best for your family i.e husband and kids or are you gonna do whats best for your mom and dad sisters and brother all of whom have their own lives and do not sacrifice for us as a family. I am hoping once I start counseling it will help me figure some things out, because the circles that my mind goes in now are not good.

 

[mamachick]

Shannon-I know that circular thinking and believe counseling will help you. I think you know the answer to your question. I also think people use excuses (family) of how they are needed to avoid real intimacy. My husbands father died many yrs ago and his mother was left with the farm. Not big, few acres, but well water, private gravel road, grass to cut, out buildings, etc. I tried to talk her into a condo or small place close to us but she wouldnt have it. She is a stubborn old woman that will get her way no matter what. I would have to tell husband to help her, finally during a fight he packed a bag and left. Husband has been living with her for 10 years now. She gets on his nerves terrible, repeating the same story every day. Interupting him when he is watching tv, and drunk on wine by noon everyday. What a sweet life.

 

[Seymour]

Shannon.. I'm not a fan of shrinks and such, still I do use 'em sometimes. Saw mine today, in fact. Still they can help sort out the noise from the relevant, and for me that's been useful. Even when I'm clear on what I wanna do, I tend to "freeze on the trigger" and not complete the task. Doesn't seem to be an issue for you. maybe you could just "tally up" what all this means and maybe you'll know just what to do.(?) -Seymour

 

[intothelight]

Shannon,

Maybe a compromise would work for both of you. Have you considered a smaller town outside the city? Close enough to her work and family, but far enough away for you and a different environment?

Just a thought.

 

[ill]

Shannon, I'm sorry for all that you've been through and the lack of support you have.

I think it's possible that your wife does love you but doesn't know how to support you. That really does happen. And sometimes us sufferers have a really hard time asking for the support that we want/need in a clear way.

Would you consider scheduling a sitdown with your wife where you both talk about how you feel and what you want and need from each other, your relationship and life without attacking each other? By that I mean no name calling but also no accusations from either party about motivations, about someone being cold or uncaring or pulling oneself up by their bootstraps or anything like that, but instead centering the conversation around I statements, around wants and needs and feelings? So saying things like "It really hurts me when you tell me to just get over things because it feels like you are trivializing and dismissing what is a very real, big, painful wound for me" and/or "When I am having a bad day, I would really love it if you could tell me that it is going to be okay, that I'll make it through this, because sometimes I don't feel like I can and I would really like your support and encouragement" and/or "Sometimes I don't feel like I am a priority for you and I want to be a priority for you, and I would like to feel and know that I am. Could you do x to let me know?" and/or whatever you want and need to say. It's possible that your wife won't respond in the way you'd like, but it's also possible that she's working through things of her own too. It can be enormously hard and painful to watch your loved one's mental health deteriorate and to feel helpless to stop it. It can be really freaking scary too. And sometimes it exceeds our ability to cope.

Part of the reason your wife may be turning so much to her family could be that it's familiar and comforting when life's taken such an unexpected and tricky turn. I can definitely understand feeling abandoned and hurt and betrayed, but it's within the realm of possibility that your wife never intended to abandon, hurt or betray you and it's also within the realm of possibility that she's felt abandoned, hurt and betrayed too. PTSD is messy.

I really commend you for reaching out to the place you got support before the incident, and I hope that they help. I've found therapy/counseling really, really helpful in learning to be clear with myself and others about my triggers, my wants and needs and my boundaries. My partner was unsupportive at the beginning, because he was frightened and worried and didn't know how to cope with my PTSD and neither did I. One of the things that worked for us was learning how to communicate our feelings to each other without assigning blame - a tricky thing for us to do. But it was worth it. And even if we hadn't stayed together, it still would've been worth it.

 

[Promicarus]

I don't know all of your history, of course-but it honestly sounds to me as though your spouse is not only one of the leading factors preventing you from moving on, but is re-traumatizing you, compounding your symptoms, and depression, by not only insuring your isolation, but by viewing you as inferior, and condemning you as such.

This kind of attitude, from someone we were formerly close with, is a trauma in itself. I hope you keep that in mind, and don't take the burden of her ignorance and callousness upon yourself, as though you deserve it.

You don't. You deserve compassion and encouragement and understanding. As was mentioned above, PTSD is a clinical diagnosis to be treated, and therefore not something a person can simply "get over" independently. What's worse, it doesn't even sound as though she's interested in learning about trauma as a disorder, which suggests that she may not even be interested in doing so.

I think the suggestion that you seek couple's counseling is an important one: not only would that give her the opportunity to be exposed to the opinion of a licensed therapist about the seriousness of PTSD and the need for treatment, support, and understanding, whose word she is more likely to listen to as an authoritative outside observer-but it would serve as an indicator of where your wife stands...if she has no interest in working with you through a therapist, you know how little she's willing to move forward, or work for your relationship. If she were to refuse, I would take it as a sign that your best option is to separate, for your own well-being. You can't go on forever feeling persecuted and being re-traumatized. Not if you expect to move forward.

That's just my opinion as a layman, of course. But possibly the worst symptom of PTSD is the hopelessness. It's easy to say that it's also the most common symptom-but that's to make it coldly and clinically detached. It's another thing to live there.

We all deserve hope-not to be exposed to those who continue to rob us of it. I know-I have had a similar, long-term experience. It kills the soul.

She might even believe, merely out of ignorance, that she's honestly trying to help you by "giving you a kick in the a**, to get you up and out of your feelings". This is a pretty common old-school technique and perspective. But the suggestion of counseling, in my opinion, should make it apparent as to whether she's doing it out of a positive expectation that it will help, or out of a the kind of lack of compassion and unkindness which makes any relationship impossible.

I too have wanted simply to "disappear" from early youth-successfully doing so, in my own way, through detachment, depersonalization, and the "trance states" common to those with significant trauma histories. But the only way out is through-and if you are not present, in every way, for your little girl-then it is both of you who suffer, in the long-term. I'm so glad you're pursuing treatment. It can get better. Remember that-and take care.