Relationship End of my rope. completely beyond reason.

[Hojay]

Beginning of the week I caught my sufferer trying to delete a message he received from another woman. I freaked, obviously, and he assured me he made a stupid split second decisions to avoid conflict (i.e. me thinking he’s up to no good.) He also assured me there was nothing going on with that woman. Etc.

All of that is beside the point now because he eventually worked himself into a panic attack with flashbacks, rage, accusations, the works. I tried to leave but he asked me to come back, so I stayed for another few days, livid at what he’d done but unable to talk about it because his issues were obviously more “important” in the moment. Every time I said a word about it, he flipped.

Fast forward a week: I left for three days to take a breather. The plan was for me to get on a plane back today, but it turns out he is still in full flashback mode. He told me in so many words that I shouldn’t come back. Mostly because he is scared I will ask him stuff he doesn’t want to talk about (which i wouldn’t) and wouldn’t give him space when he needs it. I lost it. Not only is the issue I NEED to talk about (deleting messages like that) completely off the table, he’s turned it around now so that it’s all my fault he can’t talk about it because I allegedly don’t let him calm down.

I’m at my wits end. There is no reasoning with him. He’s been retraumatized by a therapist recently and is currently refusing to go back and get help.

My heart is completely broken. It seems like I don’t have a choice but end it. Now. After 2 1/2 years of setbacks and successes and one of the most wonderful relationships I have ever had.

I don’t know what to do, say, or where else to turn.

Thank you for listening.

 

[Justmehere]

There are so many red flags....

He told me in so many words that I shouldn’t come back.

I’d take him at his word on this and walk away.

Breakups suck. This is an open door to move on and find someone who is a much better fit. I’m sorry it’s come to this - and I don’t see any reason to stay. You both seem quite done in many different ways.

You deserve a trustworthy partner who is ready and willing to be in a steady relationship with you. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Beginning of the week I caught my sufferer trying to delete a message he received from another woman. I f...

I can completely understand where you’re coming from. Although I never caught my ex-sufferer in the act, I know in my heart that he was probably up to no good as well. His ex reached out to me on FB only to let me know that we were seeing him at the same time (I was completely knocked down by that). After we spoke about it and he reassured me that there were dealings with his ex, I then gave in as I always did. I’m currently going through what’s known as ghosting or avoidance with him (I haven’t communicated with him since last Monday; and that was by text), Although he’s done this before and has come back, I’ve grown somewhat tired of the push and pull with him. I admit that I love him endlessly, but I realize that I’m the only one loving at this point. I’m not sure if he’ll come back or not, but if he does, he’s gonna find a new me. No more coming to his beck and call, no more giving in so easily, no more professing my undying love. Ptsd is one thing and I respect it, but a person also knows right from wrong and good from bad. If he can’t see the good in me, then the hell with him.

 

[Hojay]

I’d take him at his word on this and walk away.

Ah this may have been a little misleading. He didn’t say “don’t come back” as in “ever.” We are living long distance at the moment and it was about me returning to where he lives or going home. In other words, he didn’t want me to come back to see him now because he’s in a terrible state.

 

[Hojay]

, I know in my heart that he was probably up to no good as well

I don’t have any solid proof of him screwing around. He deleted a message he thought would make me think “the wrong thing.” What he did wasn’t ok, but it’s far from a smoking gun.

 

[Justmehere]

Are you willing to continue on with things as they are now? Serious question.

If you are looking to stay in a long distance relationship with someone who is this unsteady, who isn’t willing to get help, that you distrust this much, you are kind of setting yourself up for a lot of heartache and resentment.

But if you are willing to accept that this is how things will be, you can’t change him, you only have control over you, and you are ok with this, and willing to work on trusting him to manage his own messages... then maybe the relationship might work out... but I think you know you’d might be pretty miserable all the same.

The fact that you were even loooking at his phone and are so strongly reacting to him deleting a message, and that he’s so worried you would see it, shows you already don’t trust him. You both know you don’t trust him. I’m not saying if that is warranted or not. Some of what you describe him doing could be totally sketchy and some of it could be totally not. I think you know the situation with him a lot better than any of us... what I do know is what you have written.

Your post started off with being at the end of your rope and ended with this:

It seems like I don’t have a choice but end it.

I think you have to make a really hard decision and decide if this is enough for you. I don’t envy the position you are in and as a supporter and a sufferer, I hate advocating for walking away from a sufferer. I’d be completely torn myself if I was in your shoes and totally struggling with this.

But when it comes down to it, things are where they are. Just know that if you stay based on the hope of change, there is a high chance you both will end up resenting each other even more than now. He is the only one who can change himself and he seems pretty unwilling.

If you stay, choose to stay because you can do this as it is and figure out how to get the support or resources you need to be able to sustain it with him as things are now. Maybe he’ll get help again someday, maybe not. Don’t hang your hat on that. Stay because this relationship as it is now is either inside of what you are able to do, or walk away because of what is outside of what you are able to do.

That is the only thing you really have control over. Not over who messages him or not.

 

[Hojay]

Thank you so much for the wise words @Justmehere. There is so much in your reply, I have to go over it again when my head is a little more clear. All I know is that it went down hill so fast and steep, I don’t even know which way is up right now. I’m trying to keep and maintain space. Not just for his health but for mine. I don’t understand any of this.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Um yeah... that's bullshit. Using "flashbacks" and PTSD to avoid talking about getting busted cheating is a dick move. I'd be f*cking furious.