Relationship Desperate for understanding so i can get my ptsd under control

[Gs172003]

Thank you Zoogal - we've put things in place...he tried during the event - brought kids to work with him, only went when trades were there...finally quit showing up. He has invited me to meet clients with him and requests that I go with him or show up randomly. He wants us to be in business together...I handle communication with clients while he handles the job.

I can see somebody doing this crap trying to get work done for free too.( My husband works in construction. I have an idea how this stuff works)

 

[Wander2]

Pride. She had money and was probably used to getting what she wants.
I suggest if anything like that ever comes up again he doesn't go on jobs of that nature alone. Does he have employees that can work with him?

I think money was a definite part of it - he always mentions his wife and kids when he meets clients, it makes them feel safer with them in their home when he works (relatable). He talks highly of me and she started talking about her e

I can see somebody doing this crap trying to get work done for free too.

Believe me I went back to double check what she paid and when she paid and how she paid!!! He did charge her a bit extra because he found her difficult - changing scope of work and continuously adding more - and withholding money!!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

He has become more constant with his attention to me in that he knows what happened damaged me and he is trying to make sure I always feel safe and stable - all while tending to his own needs

Wow! This statement can be seen all sorts of sideways. He knows that you know about the affair so ass kissing is in order to keep you hanging out on that string...while he gets his own sexual needs met. At least one inturpitation.

I found one incoming text message and I'm pretty certain it was done - repeatedly - so he would get caught

Maybe. Maybe not. But it was still a choice that he choose and you are completely letting him off the hook. Why?

If you read my other post you can perhaps understand that this woman was very manipulative in the way she did things - either way it wasn't a caring relationship that was mutual and consensual

Unless he said no and was forced into it, it was consenual and mutual.

 

[TruthSeeker]

While this sounds simplistic, I find looking at all the evidence when there is drama and continually looping over it, exhausting. When I'm hyperfocused on someone else, I stop caring for myself (and sleepless nights make me less functional, and have made me sick. This only happens when I have a social conflict..... I revert to older behaviors from history with x-husband or narccistic family members and my fall back, when things are crazy is to rely on the duck.

I use my duck analogy for many life and social decisions. It also helps stop looping. It helps me arrive at the answer to the questions I have about other people with respect to a relationship with me....and my dreading taking positive actions to support my needs.

If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, and inside feels like you're pretty sure it's a duck (secure), then it is likely a duck and believe what you see....unless it stops/changes the way it walks, talks and feels in your gut-then there may be enough evidence to know that it's not a duck like you thought and now you have an issue to deal with. Usually things are as they appear if all 3 of these things are in sync.....but if you are paranoid and expecting to find wrongdoing then don't rely on the duck solution. Good luck!

 

[Sideways]

you are completely letting him off the hook. Why?

Not true. He went into therapy afterwards, twice weekly at first. Loads of people wouldn’t stick with that, but he has. And therapy isn’t exactly a cake walk.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

He went into therapy afterwards, twice weekly at first. Loads of people wouldn’t stick with that, but he has. And therapy isn’t exactly a cake walk.

Maybe he went to therapy over PTSD in general. Maybe he saw "hey, I'm having affairs without meaning too. I need therapy". Going to therapy afterwards also doesn't make this sexual assult. What would is him saying no and her forcing him to have sex with her anyway. Or her just ignoring the nos. That's not what's seeming to have happened from the stories.

 

[Gs172003]

Maybe he went to therapy over PTSD in general. Maybe he saw "hey, I'm having affairs without meaning too. I need therapy". Going to therapy afterwards also doesn't make this sexual assult. What would is him saying no and her forcing him to have sex with her anyway. Or her just ignoring the nos. That's not what's seeming to have happened from the stories.

You don't have to say "no" to not be a participant.
Read this.

Sexual Assault Survivor's Guide

 

[Sweetpea76]

Ok... let’s keep this thread on track. This is a supporter thread, so the focus should be on the supporter experience. It’s not necessarily about her husband’s experience.

 

[Gs172003]

Ok... let’s keep this thread on track. This is a supporter thread, so the focus should be on the supporter experience. It’s not necessarily about her husband’s experience.

Thanks. Sometimes it's hard to remember who some of the threads are about.