Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Abstract]

Personally I certainly wouldn't feel Ok processing trauma online without at least real time support at the same time. You could certainly do the rest though and not do the desensitising of the actual trauma.

OK so here is a scary one for you Junebug dear! What is your long term plan for dealing with and processing the actual trauma? Desensitisation/exposure therapy. When and how is that going to happen and what is your plan for it?

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh yikes, Dear Abstract, next time be more direct, lol. :eek: :laugh:

Yes, I think that any area where people are desperate for a cure or relief is bound to have some money-making schemes try to take advantage of it. I like though, for example, that Pete Walker's articles, he has ptsd and is a T but also gives a lot of information and practical directives for free for anyone to access.

Well wow, I'm not a candidate for EMDR (not sure if that's a desensitization technique), but I think I've been getting lots of 'esposure' for a while (that's been part of the problem). The important part would be to add to it 'exposure therapy'- what to do about it. For example, if one was afraid of flying, to fly but not to self-medicate to accomplish it. Face it, hopefully prepared.

I think I have so many triggers, or a few different types of incidents, that exposure to them is necessitated by living a 'normal' life- going to the Dr if necessary, asking for help, etc. And there are work triggers etc (because of the field). Well, even speaking about anything has been (huge) exposure, for me. Such as SI (also), I mentioned it about 3 years ago (from 25 years ago). But it was much harder to say 'while' you're in it.

I think I'd probably be prudent to work on the coping techniques and basic self-care first, considering how fast I can melt down (and not see it coming), and how low I can go. It would be a big step if I could cut out or down smoking entirely, and even eat one meal a day.

But I've exposed myself to a lot of triggers, stopped myself from running away, asked for help. Actually, I've had more scary but constructive things like that than I thought!

I so wish I could find info about this program I saw once, it was not ptsd-specific but a trauma one set up out of San Francisco, it was about 8-12 weeks long for a very nominal charge and though done in a small group didn't require the participants to specifically reveal details of their own traumas (they had different types). Yet it had a tremendous participant success/ satisfaction rate. I don't know how or what they did! Last I read they were trying it in other American cities. I wish I did know what their focus/ method was.

To be honest Abstract, I've for so many years tried so many things, some were more useful or effective than others. However, what made me fall apart was unscheduled and unexpected and I obviously barely had enough means to survive (cope) through it, but I have, though no thanks to me, really. Because of the exposure already so often there, in my daily life, and because of how hard things can hit me, I think I will try to go forward slowly, as it unfolds. See what presents itself, or what comes to me. And try to do what is difficult (which is probably what is most necessary. I mean, do it without melting down! That's already huge for me, because I have a mountain of self-doubt and/ or self recriminations even doing small things, sometimes.) And I have huge stress at home, it definitely doesn't feel like a 'safe' place. But that's what I was trying to do before, and it was better (even though circumstances weren't all-together better, by any means). REAL baby steps! :barefoot:

(((((((Abstract :hug: ))))))))

 

[Abstract]

Hee hee. :sneaky:

So what is the plan then?? ;) Couldn't quite figure it out from reading that. Stabilisation at the moment, yes? But then when and what long term? What time line are you looking at? General exposure is absolutely not the same thing as exposure therapy. And being exposed to triggers is not the same as doing exposure therapy for traumatic experiences (as in criterea A of the DSM ']rupture).

And universally exposure is the way to truly overcome or improve flashbacks and intrusions of all types. Its the foundation of PTSD. And it of course is destabilising to do it for everyone and deeply unpleasant to say the least. But treatment providers all take that into account and manage it.

And I can guarantee that if you asked Pete Walker or any other therapist that they would say the same thing. That he would say his site is there to help people have more information but that recovery requires proper exposure therapy.

There is zero reason why therapists should not be paid. Everyone else does. The therapists I know personally are the least money driven people I know.

I've for so many years tried so many things,

But dear Junebug, you have never had therapy at all and certainly not for trauma.

I have a mountain of self-doubt and/ or self recriminations even doing small things, sometimes.) And I have huge stress at home, it definitely doesn't feel like a 'safe' place.

I can so see that Junebug. You certainly are not alone in that at all even though it presents differently in different people. I think these things interfere a lot with us getting proper help. The stuff around the actual trauma. But treatment providers know this too. I am glad you are acknowledging that home isn't safe for you and is so stressful. You are very important and deserve to be safe and deserve healing.

Many hugs sent your way.:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Dear Abstract, I understand what you mean, the difference.

Oh no, I agree, I don't mean they shouldn't charge what they do. But paying out of pocket, even on a sliding scale, is out of reach for me at this time. It will be until I can get something better, or more hours. I'm at only 64 hour hours now (capped), with 100 hours availability. I have never been under 72-80+ hours, ever.

Well, even that healing or improvement can be possible, is a hopeful thought!

God only knows what my circumstances are, so something will transpire if meant to be. If I can quit smoking that will regroup my largest maleable expense.

You know, it's weird Abstract, for example, with my vision, I have always processed all (visual) information through the left eye, to the right side of the brain first, if nothing else. The brain compensates and adjusts the image so it seems normal to me. But sometimes I've wondered if there is a minute difference with my processing, from the start. The brain is quite incredible. :)

I honestly don't, well can't envision talking about stuff (details). Ugh. One would have to be highly motivated. Or (I) would have to have 4 gin and tonics first!!! :rolleyes: :wideeyed:

Dear Abstract, you are so sweet.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Junebug))) Thinking of you. I hope you will find something useful to you to help manage your symptoms. You have so much going on at once. Safety is a number one need. And you need to be safe before you can do anything else. If I was you I would work on ways to make myself safe whereever I am at any given time.


Hope for a better future for you. Hugs.

 

[Tinyflame]

(Did I say 4... I meant 40 :eek: :wideeyed: ).

:) :hug:

 

[Sailorgal]

(((Junebug)))

When I read your posts it's like watching someone struggling to breathe and gasping for air. You're trying to analyze stuff but you have so much stuff going on. And living in a place that is NOT safe is only going to hinder your healing. No doubt there are some things we can't avoid but I wonder if there are some simple things you can do as you're seeking out proper therapy. Things have to change somehow.

Gotta make sure you are eating right (more than once a day). Self care on the basic level. :)

Ok I'm bringing carrot sticks!!!



I wouldn't that level of dissociation is "normal," but to say people do cope that way and to a degree it's normal. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh SG, thank you, it's ok yes I'll make changes. Someone has a good status update here, it says if there's no wind row. :)

Ok I will bring steak. :) Unless you are a vegetarian, then fish and chips? I can make a great white sauce for those carrots.. mmm.

Actually, seriously was thinking, I was raised more like guys are. Or more like military families would understand. Some things I will take to my grave, but it's ok. I can recognize myself, in what I know/ see in those who have to do the same. It's not inherently bad. It really just 'is'.

[Not to mention, I was the kid who could break a rib with a bear hug at 2 feet tall, :joyful: I wasn't a big 'talker' ('expresser', lol) ].

I saw a documentary, guys were talking about 6 others (military) that had died. They said, "Do you think it was worth it?" And one guy said "Who knows, probably not for those 6". But every day, people are risking their lives for things like difusing a bomb to save a pump we could buy at a parts store, just so that someone else will have a chance to try to rebuild their life. So, I figure I'll do the best I can. One thing I can say, is my life has certainly never been predictable.

But that's the thing, I am one very very small note in a world-wide billions of people choir. I hope whatever way my life goes or that I 'row' it will be worth it. Or more specifically, I will realize that it is worth it. I may never know. But that's ok, too.

 

[Sailorgal]

Oh SG, thank you, it's ok yes I'll make changes. Someone has a good status update here, it says if there's no wind row. :)

Hmmm I prefer to bust out the mojitos. :)

Actually, seriously was thinking, I was raised more like guys are. Or more like military families would understand.

Are you referring to a very strict upbringing nature? I'm not asking for specific details, just trying to understand your point of reference.

Not a vegetarian - I love food too much. Seafood is my favorite!!! But I could never turn down filet mignon. :)

 

[Abstract]

Dear Junebug

Dear Abstract, you are so sweet.

:whistling: Sometimes. But more seriously I care enough to push a bit outside the comfort zone. I have definitely seen things change for you though and I think they can change much more too. Until recently you never talked at all. Now look how much talking you have done! :tup: You have done some very brave and good stuff. And look what trying something new has done for your stability and peace of mind. Sometimes we can feel like we are trying new things all the time but actually we are stuck in the same zone. By starting to talk in an appropriate environment you have started changing that and you are reaping the rewards. Not long ago I think you would have said that talking wasn't good for you and that you were different that way! ;)

Sometimes we don't realise that we are making excuses to avoid something difficult. I don't mean that in a judging way at all or even that we know we are doing it. Sometimes our minds are very creative and they will find anything they can to keep away from what frightens us. I know that is happening for me at present and has been for a while. So sometimes its good when others push us a bit so that we can start to think about things differently.

There is a big difference between struggling to afford something; finding present circumstances difficult to manage and being very afraid of treatment, and not ever intending to get treatment or address the problem directly at all.

I honestly don't, well can't envision talking about stuff (details). Ugh. One would have to be highly motivated. Or (I) would have to have 4 gin and tonics first!!! :rolleyes: :wideeyed:
.

And I think this is the crux of it really. For all of us. How do we get our heads around doing that. But it is possible for everyone including you.

If we have a clear idea and accept what we need then I think we are much more likely to find it and life is much more likely to oblige.

I think what is very unhelpful is thinking we are so different that what works for others won't work for us. We are definitely all different and some personality things make certain things more difficult and others easier but regardless we can all get past that stuff. Especially with help.

Much care.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear gizmo, I'm sorry, I missed your post, thank you! Yes, I will. :hug:

Dear Abstract, yes you are right, and I agree. And I could be the Queen of De'Nial, if you know what I mean! And that is true, I guess I've come farther than I ever envisioned I would/ could. Had I known that's what I would have had to do before I did, yikes. :chicken: Pretty sure never would have thought all of this is possible. Actually, sometimes it all feels kind of bizarre. I guess everyone feels like that.

Oh gosh no, I don't think I'm different, except on the lower end of comfort or practise having a safe place or person to say anything to. Or choosing to. Or ever doing so, except for last few years.

Nope, I agree, I have to be proactive. I'm trying not to limit myself to what I *think* might be helpful, or more specifically the only means that are helpful. Like Bloom said about "What a horse named Paragon taught me".. :)

Thank you dear dear Abstract, don't think it's 'pushing', just honest. Wholly frustrating to me to be stuck on a wheel, too.

In another way though, kind of exciting to wonder what will help. Can't know if you don't try, right. :) :hug:

Hmmmm.. I prefer to bust out the mojitos. :)
..

Are you referring to a very strict upbringing nature? I'm not asking for specific details, just trying to understand your point of reference.

Oh SG, you crack me up. :roflmao:

Well, no, it wasn't exactly 'regimented' or horribly strict, but my dad worked 35+ years as a civillian with the military (a sister as well). I'd describe it as more 'no-nonsense', brutally direct, no room much for sympathy, and yet there was understanding and kindness. It's like, with the inherent dangers where he worked, the long tours (required), the constant "wait to come back/ have to leave again/ be away", stuff, everyone just goes along with it, really. Accepts. Adjusts. It's, well, understood it's part of the job. And very much just 'get it done'. We went a lot by "Firehouse Rules", too (same as Firefighter families). I just thought every family was like that. But no, wow, the things I learned (and early), we sure weren't talked down to or sheltered. Plus, it's a "need to know"/ "don't talk" requirement, with that work. What even I learned I wouldn't reveal.

Unlike military families though, we (I) was so lucky, we didn't have to move constantly.

Plus, apparently I'm like my dad's dad. He was a Vet, also. He wasn't much to revealing himself, by nature. But I do it in other ways. So did he. For example, though he was very ill, he constantly worked, had to travel, didn't communicate enough with my dad, but would hand-carve him ski's, etc, when he should have been too ill to move. Like my dad/ family, never complained either. [PS, I would have made a good mime, lol. I hate 'mimes'. (Well, not the mimes, themslves, but everything else about that. Rather creepy, in a big way, really, lol. ]

I am trying to learn how to ommunicate better. Actually make the words come out, lol.

Me too! Love seafood and Chinese, probably my 2 favorites. :)

Sweetest souls, thank you Big :hug: 's.

 

[Tinyflame]

I thought of something too, though hard to find the words. I understand something that you hear 'old' people say, I've gotten to the point I realize I don't know anything. Truly. Not even the questions. So some things I think I have to roll with, as they go, best I can. But really, I can't even be the person I'd hope to be, on my own merits, let alone determine or engineer my own 'healing'. Just try to make the best choices I can. I'm not really the author of my story, just the pen. :)