Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[mamachick]

Dear Junebug-Im not a new model either, and 55 (think 10 yrs older than you) and attract same. I even find more 20 something men hitting on me, not just at the pub, but garden center and places like that. So I agree with what you say. In addition, I seem to attract narcicist and/or sociopaths. I know that many use that term loosely and many are not really or would not be diagnosed as such. I do actually have the credentials to make that diagnosis. I dont see it in the beginning. I think that I am so distrusting that I isolate from any relationship for long periods. After a long period of no attention, along comes someone that I connect with. Its like I am blind sided, I think the connection is really a victim and perpetrator connection. I decline all male attention for long periods (years) and these perps can read people well. They are chameleons and can be whatever you need at the time. (handyman, nurturer, listener, conversationalist). I am so sick of being or feeling like a perpetual victim. This last one, I caught on after only 2 or 3 months, so while I gave myself credit-it did not come without heavy damaging consequences to myself.

@ Dear Ms Spock-I too am struggling with the same. Purpose? Peace? Right to happiness/deserving? Change? Feeling alive rather than surviving? Things that could be so simple, that are a given for some people, are so complicated for me.

 

[Tinyflame]

What you are all talking about I am struggling with at the moment.. Gives me heart to know that I am not alone.

I am sorry you're going through that @Ms Spock :( . No, you are never alone. :hug: :hug:

.. when I do that I tend to find that I am imagining the life I 'should' be having if I was living a different persons life with a different persons experiences. Or, I find that the expectations on my child self are ridiculously harsh and unrealistic.

Something my therapist said, that really reached me - I had become my child self in therapy, and the next session I was in bits, embarrassed and annoyed at myself.

It is easier .. than when I am fighting against myself, blaming myself or being abusive to myself.

Yes @Meadowsweet , I suspect I do think of myself in those ways/ terms. Although I don't think of a 'life' in the sense of what I 'should' have had as in 'entitled' or envious of others. What I guess is more apt is to say 'no future', I guess. But, I guess one has to trust. I would say 'ignore' it, too, but that is harder to deny.

Thank you. :hug:

.. I even find more 20 something men hitting on me, not just at the pub, but garden center and places like that.
-I too am struggling with the same. Purpose? Peace? Right to happiness/deserving? Change? Feeling alive rather than surviving? Things that could be so simple, that are a given for some people, are so complicated for me.

OMG dear @brat, doesn't sound like a very good dating scene! :( I had to laugh though, about the garden centre, etc. Exactly. Though God knows I've had a few real lunatics. I think 'target' (Hashi?) called it is really true.

I so relate to your last line @brat17 Exactly how it is for me as well. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

No, it's the fact of the screwed up past, or present because of it, that's what it is. Even if I could turn back the clock it likely wouldn't help because of myself. Doesn't make it easier to accept though. Like my sister sick, the relationship is 'as is', we don't get second chances. Or if I did, which perhaps I did?, Idk, I missed it.

 

[Tinyflame]

I mean frankly, I'm a mess. Lucky I'm off today, I woke up, couldn't move. Couldn't sleep for that matter. Couldn't remember what I ate- don't think I did but who knows, so ate (again?). Put my face (makeup) on on the bus, forgot my face in a building, couldn't find my way 'back' to the building (familiar), finally did, missed bus so had to wait an hour. Ok, carry on, because I was late missed baseball game I was avoiding anyway- couldn't find ID to pick up the tickets (mine). Had one important thing to pick up, yes, forgot that too. Saw 2 neighbours who spoke to me, no words of my own could come out, try as I may. Finally managed to stammer 'something' out (words) as they stared & waited, I just shook my head. Sent an e-mail that was titled, checked to see if I sent it (or to 'where'?), had a mis-spelled title I don't recall putting. Got totally triggered & nearly ran out of a place, even though it was my choice to go. Realized when I got home I took holidays in june- 'approved' but can't remember what dates, & consequently as I never remembered asking for them I haven't budgeted for them. And I know there's something important I've forgotten- God knows what? Etc etc.

So what I mean is, how much self-empathy or self-sympathy am I supposed to feel for myself, being like this? No wonder it affected career, family, relationships, etc. Maybe even my sister's behaviour (past) was not bad at all, maybe it was all in my head, or at the very least she ran out of patience or tolerance for me? :(

 

[mamachick]

Oh Junebug, your last post sounds like any of my days. What have I forgotten. I cant sleep as my mind races, and know I have forgotten something important, and at times I have. I missed appointments, I forget to even look at calender, etc. but when I hear you so critical of yourself, I just want to give you a big hug and tell you that its human, and the more stress that you put on yourself and criticism, the more confused anyone would get. At least that is what I see, and recognize in myself as I hear your words. I havent budgeted for this or that, the vet bills, something breaking. Our cup is over runneth dear. Be kind to yourself.

 

[ms spock]

So I figure that maybe this side of 40 is my time, that maybe I can fit in better with the over 40's than I ever could with 25 year olds.

That is a really productive to reframe it @Meadowsweet.

 

[ms spock]

I feel so innately useless. I certainly cannot see 'deserving' things to come, or even how things could, rather, or 'also', come along (because of 'myself', especially). My heart & self feels all mashed-up & not (at best) capable.

In terms of 'purpose' (or even functionality), I think I have to accept I simply won't/ don't have one. I mean, really accept it. Fighting it is futile.

I suspect & fear that the decisions I made, say at 25, now determine the realities of today. My fault per se, no small wonder re: career, fractured family, no family of my own. Just a wasted life. I think I understand why now I have to stay or get away from others. I thought it was a good choice for me as well, & I guess as per certain people or interactions it was.I feel toxic & burdensome. I guess I can't stand myself much.

I feel profoundly grateful for the help I've received, but I also feel it's unfair to others. I don't really understand how people can be compassionate about it or why they have. I don't have the words but I can't understand why people have put in any effort to keep me alive when I don't have a future. It's wasted. Or more accurately better spent on other people. That's what it is, like my presence just wastes time, even nominal, that should be spent elsewhere.

I suspect it goes back to the relatively recent news too of my sister being ill. I can't seem to figure out 'how' I could have worked with the dynamic of our relationship over the years to change much. Similarly, the years are simply gone.

As per the future, if there is one, I don't have the abilities to just get in to life or relationships as 'aggressively' or assertively as they seem to suggest is both required & inevitable. All of it- so much- is just so much stress for me. I feel too broken and well, as I described. I think it were better if I could go off somewhere isolated.

This is a hard one to handle @Junebug and I have watched you struggle with your sister's situation.

All of the above I could have written.

And reading what you wrote helped me at some level I find it hard to express.

People who don't have PTSD also have similar feelings about their lives. And this of course is not helpful.

I am trying to say something but I can't quite get there.

Even for other people your life has purpose I was feeling so alone and so not so good - with anxiety coming and going, at quite a high level and then I read this and felt a bit better and I was able to get moving.

I wish I could better express what I am trying to stay.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you, dear @brat17 , I'm ashamed to say I feel better you relate, but hope it can enable you to see (& treat) yourself in a kinder light. :hug: I guess it's like having a 'quiet' meltdown. :(

@Ms Spock , for whatever reason I am glad if it helps you feel a little better. :hug: I always regret posting this stuff. :(

To complicate it further, there are 3 sisters, the one ill is a different one than the one here, but more negative history. Well that isn't exactly the right term but I can't find the right words either. :( No wonder I can't make sense of it.

I wish I knew what was 'my fault', what wasn't/ isn't. :(

@Meadowsweet , I really can't envision an 'inner child'. I had an 'inner adult' as a child.

Thanks to all. :hug: :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I did have something come to me, however: I booked most of my vacation (previously) to try specifically to do 'healthier' things, because it's just another thing I "don't deserve". And also because my 'head' isn't as resilient as my body. And it remains, quitting smoking would cover that & then some.

Also someone who counsels told me t Christmastime it was a good/ prudent/ not-to-blame-myself decision, as per the type of contact with my sister(s). Unfortunately I was so relieved (and shocked) to find out it wasn't all my fault, & (but) because they understood I failed to think of asking 'why' a 'normal' person 'knew' that (on what grounds?). I wish I knew. :( I think it would be easier to 'accept' it if I had a better understanding 'cognitively'. I don't exactly know what to think, & I'm just not capable when like this to figure things out. :(

Also, come to think of it, for the most part I haven't had verbal meltdowns (big) for years, I try to bury it or hide it. Come to think of it my meltdowns probably in some way coincide (cause, or coincide with) suicidal ideation. It's just that I've tried for decades so hard to not have meltdowns that hurt others that I find it really hard to recognize I'm having one. Like from (what started in) July 2008 on, too, didn't know I as in one then, either, until I read something that described me/ it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Also I know that my sister's day surgery (not the ill one) makes me think/ worry some 'freak thing' will go wrong & she will 'croak'. Even if that's not the 'norm'. :( I guess too I am aware that just because something 'bad' has happened doesn't mean more won't. Even though I know 'cognitively' it doesn't mean it 'will'. Ugh. :(

And aside, as a kid, I was still a 'kid' too, I know my childhood had happy stuff (though granted I can't remember much of most of it). But I almost never could relax. Not just my because of my nature, though I'm sure that played a big part, +/or even my intellect to some degree (being 'aware' of things 'kids' shouldn't be), but also just the circumstances.

 

[mamachick]

junebug-why a normal person knew that and on what grounds? My guess is that your guilty feelings show, and the ones that feel the most guilt are often the most innocent. It is often the person who is defensive and has an excuse for all that goes wrong being anothers fault that holds more responsibility for the negativity in a relationship or the nature of the relationship. Even though I may not be "normal" that is my guess and considering that the person who told you this is a counselor. I could be wrong, so if it doesnt sound like it applies, please just disregard my guess. I think there are those who absorb the pain and take on un-due guilt in families, and others who take advantage of the scapegoat who absorbs the responsiblity and guilt. Whatever your contact is with siblings, you are only reponsible for your part-not the entirety, and sometimes we have to limit that contact if members are toxic, as painful as that is. Letting go does not mean desertion, it means protecting self and not enabling their behavior. Again, I am applying this to my own situation and I may be way off-please accept my apology if I am way off. Heck, when I was a teen and learned about the holocaust, I felt guilt for having, supposedly, some german in me. I still kind of do, wondering what my ancestors part if any was.

I think that fear of thinking that things could go wrong with surgery is part of ptsd that many of us battle but dont express so much, as when I do, others tell me I am awfulizing, and I am, but it is still in my mind. Its the feeling of waiting for the left shoe to drop. The big gray cloud that even when things are calm-what will happen. I think its normal for our experiencing abnormal situations in the past.

I have 3 siblings too. I have always been the one to accomodate them, to make them comfortable, and if anything goes wrong, or I dont have it to give-I am selfish. I am so use to being the scapegoat among them. It became worse decades ago when I began working on co dependency issues and speaking up for my own needs and limitations. Setting any limits or boundaries is wrong for me, but they would never inconvenience themselves in ways that they have expected me to. It is what it is. I limit any contact. I love them dearly and hold on to the good memories and try to let go of the drama. Some create their own storm and then complain when it rains on them. I dont want to be like that.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @brat17 , thank you. Almost every word applies, except that one sister did/ would inconvenience herself. And there was more danger, & not always as many good memories. And always someone I had to protect. Yes, even once, really my last attempt to really bridge the distance/ 'stuff', one sister said to me "It sounds like you've thought about this a lot, & done a lot of work on yourself. Have you ever thought it's just 'you' (that is at fault/ the 'cause' )?" :( Guess I do. Kind of left me speechless or turned a corner that moment after years of trying to 'fix' it/ bridge the gap because I figured relationships (interaction) always involve both parties, & if one party didn't see themselves as contributing to it where could anyone go from there. :(