Any resources/tips about ending long term therapy?

[barefoot]

As an extra thought: I think I'm also worried that in wrapping up sessions, when I'll be feeling vulnerable because of feeling sad about saying goodbye etc, that I might get snappy and cold! Because, that's probably a default place I go to as the easiest, most self-protective way might be to disconnect/disentangle.
And I know this is an opportunity to practise and experience a different way. But if I accidentally end up being an arse, that would be an awful way to end 10 years of overall good therapeutic relationship!

 

[Movingforward10]

'you are in control...it's your choice...whether we continue, take a break or you stop...all of that is your choice.'

Whilst she was saying this within particular contexts, I think you could take her words in all contexts really. This is your therapy and your choice when to reduce, end, restart.

But often the says that therapy can look like lots of different things at different times...it isn't all doing deep, heavy psychological work....

Yeah, my T said this too. That it can be whatever you, the client, wants it to be.

So, I don't know if that is her encouraging me to go back because she thinks I've drifted off?

Could be. Or like you say below....

I'm sure she's just being more like 'I'm here whenever you're ready

...this ^^ just keeping the door open. Maybe the sense of it feeling pushy could be coming from her wondering if you are coming back? (But who knows...all that is mind reading....)

that I might get snappy and cold!

I had this worry too! Because I've done that before: self sabotage.
But I figured, if I did that, I could just ask for another session so we end on a positive note.
In the end it was my worry rather than an actuality.



And no worries, it's always really helpful to share our experiences here. And sharing this helps me to process my own ending too! So it's a win/win really.

 

[Mach123]

I got rid of my therapist when we just weren’t getting anywhere anymore. That was up to me. She wasn’t going to do anything about it. But when I said let’s stretch it out she said c’mon man, if that’s what you want just do it. That’s what I got for broaching that subject, so I did it. I don’t regret it. I waited about two years and a month or so back I got a new therapist.

I don’t expect to get cured anymore I don’t even think therapy can do anything like that ? What I think is I need someone I can talk with in an unguarded manner. Someone I can be myself with and not worry about if they like me or not ? Someone I don’t have to put up a front for .

I don’t mean I don’t have to consider her feelings or whatever she’s a real person outside being a therapist. But she’s getting paid to listen and she wanted me for a client so? So far so good .

I think being real comfortable and coasting along is not good and I definitely recommend switching when it gets to that point. I always felt doing it quickly was better when ending any relationship, why drag It out ? Goodbye is not usually pleasant, long goodbyes more so.

 

[barefoot]

But when I said let’s stretch it out she said c’mon man, if that’s what you want just do it.

Yeah…so much of what I’ve read about ending therapy - especially long term therapy - is about the reducing sessions….weekly to fortnightly to monthly to quarterly etc… As a way to get used to the reduction before phasing out and fully stopping, I guess.

But yes, if you’ve decided to stop and feel ok with that decision, I can see the appeal of just ripping off the band aid and doing a hard stop.

I usually do weekly sessions with my T - sometimes longer gaps to work around times when work is full on. But because of us both having breaks for summer holidays and then I’ve been unwell for a few weeks, I haven’t actually now seen her for about 10 weeks. So, the thought of now reconnecting and discussing reducing sessions again when we’ve already had a 10 week break feels a bit counter-intuitive! But, after 10 years working together, I don’t feel I want to just show up next session and, out of the blue, announce that I’m finished and bye!

I’m still quite undecided about how best to go about it. So, I think I’m just not going to feel I have to be really clear myself and over prepared about the ‘speech’ I’m going to give her. Think I’m just going to say I’m thinking that’s it’s the right time to reduce the frequency of our sessions and maybe work towards wrapping up and then see where the discussion takes us. Hopefully I’ll get more clarity about how I really want to approach it through talking about it with her.

What I think is I need someone I can talk with in an unguarded manner. Someone I can be myself with and not worry about if they like me or not ? Someone I don’t have to put up a front for .

Yes, I think this is an aspect that’s so valuable and that I think I’ll really miss.

Hope things are going well with your new T.

 

[barefoot]

I have therapy today. First time in about 10 weeks due to holidays and illness.

Feels weird to have to reconnect after such a long break to then say I want to reduce my sessions and then maybe work towards wrapping up.

I’m still not feeling well, but it’s stressing me out a bit sitting on this conversation. So, while I’m not sure I really have the energy and capacity to have a deep and thorough discussion around it - esp if T gets defensive and/or I start to get emotional - I’m going to go ahead with the session and express this somehow… And will try not to do what I usually do, which is chat away about not very much for 55 mins and then panic drop in the important thing just as we are finishing the session!

 

[Movingforward10]

I have therapy today. First time in about 10 weeks due to holidays and illness.

Feels weird to have to reconnect after such a long break to then say I want to reduce my sessions and then maybe work towards wrapping up.

I’m still not feeling well, but it’s stressing me out a bit sitting on this conversation. So, while I’m not sure I really have the energy and capacity to have a deep and thorough discussion around it - esp if T gets defensive and/or I start to get emotional - I’m going to go ahead with the session and express this somehow… And will try not to do what I usually do, which is chat away about not very much for 55 mins and then panic drop in the important thing just as we are finishing the session!

Good luck! I hope it goes well for you.

 

[Mach123]

Yeah…so much of what I’ve read about ending therapy - especially long term therapy - is about the reducing sessions….weekly to fortnightly to monthly to quarterly etc… As a way to get used to the reduction before phasing out and fully stopping, I guess.

But yes, if you’ve decided to stop and feel ok with that decision, I can see the appeal of just ripping off the band aid and doing a hard stop.

I usually do weekly sessions with my T - sometimes longer gaps to work around times when work is full on. But because of us both having breaks for summer holidays and then I’ve been unwell for a few weeks, I haven’t actually now seen her for about 10 weeks. So, the thought of now reconnecting and discussing reducing sessions again when we’ve already had a 10 week break feels a bit counter-intuitive! But, after 10 years working together, I don’t feel I want to just show up next session and, out of the blue, announce that I’m finished and bye!

I’m still quite undecided about how best to go about it. So, I think I’m just not going to feel I have to be really clear myself and over prepared about the ‘speech’ I’m going to give her. Think I’m just going to say I’m thinking that’s it’s the right time to reduce the frequency of our sessions and maybe work towards wrapping up and then see where the discussion takes us. Hopefully I’ll get more clarity about how I really want to approach it through talking about it with her.



Yes, I think this is an aspect that’s so valuable and that I think I’ll really miss.

Hope things are going well with your new T.

Thanks yes, I completely understand how difficult it is. I feel pretty much the same way you do. There isn’t an easy way really. I still feel uncomfortable about the way we did it, but I’m pretty sure I’d feel like this regardless. I sat with her for five years, maybe longer. I hope it goes well for you.

 

[Friday]

Yeah…so much of what I’ve read about ending therapy - especially long term therapy - is about the reducing sessions….weekly to fortnightly to monthly to quarterly etc… As a way to get used to the reduction before phasing out and fully stopping, I guess.

Taper or BAM! (An entirely new reality) are what I personally do best with. But I almost never have the patience to taper, and do soooooo much better with the pivot.

AKA, I MIGHT try and taper? But am usually far happier with the sharp cutoff… especially as it’s almost a welcome sign to visiting??? If that makes sense? Because I’m NOT trying to limit myself, I can go back whenever the f*ck I please, for as long as I please, no guilt/shame/sense of failure. Or not. As neither is a victory, or goal, or anything “weighted”. I’m doing this, now. Whatever “this” is. Until I’m not.

 

[Movingforward10]

How did it go @barefoot ?

 

[barefoot]

How did it go @barefoot ?

It was ok. Weird because we hadn't seen each other for 10 weeks and she just sort of launched in to talking about my being unwell (which I get and was expecting because I usually like talking about my ailments!) But it was tricky to get an in to bring up ending therapy because she was just so focused on asking me about my health!

So, about 15 mins before the end I just sort of blurted out that there was something else I wanted to talk about. And I said that I've been thinking about reducing sessions and, ultimately, working towards wrapping up.

I said it's been a long time and that I don't really have anything in particular to focus on any more...so, I thought it was time. As I think I am probably staying in regular therapy now because I'm attached to her and will miss her..' And sometime during that sentenced I burst into tears! And then I cried for the rest of the conversation!

Ugh! I hate crying in front of people!

I just can't talk about it without getting really emotional.

Anyway....she wasn't at all defensive. She was very nice about it all. Said she would miss me as she loves seeing me. Said that we can see it more as a 'hard pause' rather than 'ending' or 'finishing' if that's easier as that's a definite pause but the door is always open if I want a session etc.

I find that last aspect quite confusing. Because, on the one hand, I understand that it's meant to be reassuring and soften the ending/loss - 'hey, I'm not going anywhere - you can always have another session whenever you want it!'

But on the other hand, if I've decided I'm stopping, I feel like it would need to be that something happens...or something old gets stirred up in a way that I find hard to manage on my own...or that there's something that I really need to talk to someone about and I don't feel I can talk to anyone else about...

So, it still feels like it needs to be a clear ending with closure...even if I could go back anytime if something crops up. Otherwise, I think I could just keep drifting back. Feels like there needs to be some clear cord cutting!

I don't know...

I'm seeing her next week to pick up the conversation because we didn't have much time for it this week. So, I want to really focus next session on wrapping up...how I feel about that, what it means, what it could look like, how she has done endings with long term clients before... etc

My concern is that I can't seem to talk about it without crying!

 

[Teasel]

Well done on bringing it up, glad she was nice about it too
Relate to not liking crying in front of others!

 

[Movingforward10]

That sounds like a great start to the conversation. I’m glad she reacted the way you needed.
and the crying just shows it’s a big deal to bring it up. A release of a lot of stuff?