Yes, you're right - avoiding talking about it doesn't make the feelings go away. But I honestly don't see the point in talking about it because it doesn't change anything. I know how I feel about my mum dying and I know how I feel about saying goodbye to T. I genuinely don't see how any of that will be different by talking more about it. It's just very painful and makes me teary. And I don't see the point in keep going to sessions, stirring those feelings up, having it feel acutely painful, crying (which I hate!), feeling drained by it all...and then after the end of each session, nothing's changed (apart from that I maybe feel more dysregulated and destabilised)
So, no....no more conversations focusing on loss. She doesn't have anything to say in those conversations that I find helpful. And I know that she doesn't have a plan for working on that either for ending therapy or re my mum.
It's a hard no.
In terms of a plan to reduce and stop. What does feel ok with you?
Because it can be anything you want it to be.
Do you want to start reducing down. If so, when?
What would that reduction look like?
Or do you want a few goodbye sessions? If so, what would that look like?
I really don't know. There are too many options!
At the end of the session she said something like we don't have to end things at warp speed - that we can take our time. And that maybe I want to just continue with weekly sessions while we navigate it and 'feel our way together.' Which is at odds with me saying I want to reduce session frequency probably with a view to working towards wrapping up. I feel that she is sucking me into staying in weekly therapy (not will conscious ill-intentions, I don't mean) But, when I am saying I am struggling with the idea of goodbye and that I'll really miss her and feel that I will need to disconnect and unattached after spending a decade building a relationship with her in order to 'do the work' - her suggesting that I carry on with weekly sessions while we 'feel our way together' is not that. It's keeping me in relationship, feeling attached and avoiding an inevitable ending.
I'm also still feeling unwell so don't really have the energy or capacity at the moment to work out what I need and what would be a good time line for that.
I just feel fed up with it at the moment. I feel like I wish I'd come back from our 10 week plan with a clear plan of wrapping up. As now in limbo with no plan, no structure, and T just encouraging staying in weekly therapy....so I feel I'm reconnecting more, when I need to be unattaching and disconnecting. Ugh.
