Any resources/tips about ending long term therapy?

I can't find the blog/article @barefoot, but whilst looking, I have found these. Don't know if they are any help.



 
same as any employee. employee can be a friend and vice versa but forgetting which way the money flows is mistake one. Thats cold, maybe harsh but its true and staying with the truth makes all else just a little easier for me. Done it plenty.
 
same as any employee. employee can be a friend and vice versa but forgetting which way the money flows is mistake one. Thats cold, maybe harsh but its true and staying with the truth makes all else just a little easier for me. Done it plenty.

Reason = Work
Season = Beyond the paycheck.
Lifetime = IDFK. I do have a few, so far, but I cannot quantify the qualities, beyond… luck?
 
The ancient Greeks and Romans wrote extensively on the loss (or profound alteration) of friends, counsel, patrons, & love. Often all revolving around a single person, although singularly as well, and how unbalancing that can be, and problems naturally resulting. Which is also? The role of a damn good therapist, when it’s time to move on. Whether they fullfill a singular role, or encompass all of them.

One of the more useful things in my own life was reading those writings… if only for the different phrasing, which hit… differently. Allowed me to think differently. Than with modern euphemism, metaphor, etc.

But? “Let’s get eyelashes deep in the classics, and see how people thousands of years dead did things!”??? Isn’t for everyone.
Ah, I see, gotcha! Thanks.

I can't find the blog/article @barefoot, but whilst looking, I have found these. Don't know if they are any help.




That's so kind of you to hunt these out for me @Movingforward10 That you! I'll have a read :)

same as any employee. employee can be a friend and vice versa but forgetting which way the money flows is mistake one. Thats cold, maybe harsh but its true and staying with the truth makes all else just a little easier for me. Done it plenty.

Yeah....I'm very clear which way the money flows since I pay her privately. No mistake or confusion there.
 
I'm googling things as missing my T, and found this. Again no idea if it's the sort of thing you want but sharing incase.
Sorry for my delayed reply. I read your post at the time but was unwell and felt too tired to reply straightaway. Then it slipped my mind that I hadn’t replied until now!

Thanks for this article.

I haven’t actually had a session with my T for nine weeks now - I took a break for summer holidays then she was away and then I’ve been unwell with a virus and so just resting trying to feel better for a few weeks.

I am getting very used to not seeing her and feeling pretty calm and ok with that. Though I realise that not seeing her for a couple of months when I plan to see her again is very different from agreeing an end date together and then thinking I won’t ever see her again.

I suspect that, when I do see her again (probably some time in the next couple of weeks, when I’ll hopefully be feeling better) all the feelings of attachment will rush back. Out of sight out of mind (sort of!) at the moment. When nothing has actually been said or agreed about wrapping up.

I think it’s going to come as a big surprise to her when I tell her what I’m thinking. And I think that’s partly why I feel nervous about bringing it up. Not really sure how to bring it up/what to say. I don’t really want to blind side her. But also don’t want to just keep skirting around it.

The article you shared in your last post…it makes me think I would like some structure and purpose to the wrapping up sessions. But structure isn’t really her forte (or mine!) so we have had 10 years of very unstructured sessions, no real goals set, all very loose and fluid… But I don’t see the point of that as we transition to ending, otherwise it feels like the same as it’s always been, just with an end date in sight. I can ask for a structured, conscious ending approach and I expect she’ll agree…but I don’t trust that she’ll actually bring that when it comes to it. And that we will drift along being chatty as we tend to do these days…

I probably need to think more about what I really want from the sessions and how many sessions I want the wrapping up to take…and then I can articulate it…

But still not 100% sure if I do want to fully stop or just switch to monthly sessions soon so that I just have a monthly check-in and we continue like that for the forseeable…

Still lots to think about…

How are you getting on now without T/sessions?
 
Does anyone have any book (or any other resource eg video/article) recommendations for ending long term therapy? Particularly from a client's perspective but also potentially from a therapist's perspective too. I have been searching on the internet but am just getting really overwhelmed.

In my case, the ending will be my idea and not because there's been a rupture or something. I've been in therapy with my one and only therapist for 10 years and just feel like I'm in a place where I am coasting in sessions now, not getting into anything major, and I think I'm putting off the inevitable (ending therapy) because I'm very attached to my T and the thought of saying goodbye is painful. In terms of my mental health, I'm in a really ok place - it's not that I'm worried that I won't be able to cope without therapy.

I haven't yet mentioned to my T that I am thinking of wrapping up. In fact, I don't know whether I want to end now or whether to do something like shift to monthly sessions (or whether that's just another example of avoiding the inevitable ending!)

So, anything that covers anything about:
- How to bring it up and start the conversation about ending with T in the first place.
- Navigating painful attachment feelings in the ending process (I know I'm not going to be able to avoid that it feels sad saying goodbye to her after 10 years)
- What a good ending could look like (I'm aware that it won't necessarily look the same for everyone)

Any resources - or even just any thoughts or tips from anyone here - would be much appreciated. Especially as I plan ahead for my next session with my T where I hope to bring something around this up with her.
Hi @barefoot 👋. I ended my counselling after roughly about 5 years. It's not easy because you build a bond and a relationship with them, but that said, if your therapist is a good one then the relationship that they help support is one that doesn't involve unhealthy attachments.

First of all I changed from weekly sessions to bi-monthly, that helped alot because even though I still found counselling helpful I was just coasting and trying to figure out what to say to fill the time. Then after maybe 6-12months my counselor actually stopped practicing for 6 months which "ripped the band aid off" for me.

I managed pretty well. Very well infact and when he said "would you like to resume" I said no "I'm doing well right now". We left it as I can go back at any point. So that's how my counselling ended 6 months ago.

My advice to anyone considering pausing or stopping therapy is this:

Make sure you constructively fill your time with other things. Hobbies, people, work, anything to keep you moving forward so you don't feel lost/stagnant.

In my opinion, if a person gets to a point where after this really important work has been done, they feel capable of moving on, that's a milestone and something to be celebrated. However as always you need to take care of yourself and the new life you have built for yourself.
 
Hi @barefoot , just a footnote because I've now finished reading all the replies. You've mentioned getting some kind of structure for ending, but that's not yours or your therapists forte. If you change to once or twice a month then that structure will happen naturally. At that pace sessions and the nature of conversation become more poignant and the content more important. Try it and see how you feel.
 
Out of sight out of mind (sort of!) at the moment.
It feels different when you write your post. Because you have been thinking it all through. It sounds like processing to me rather than out of sight out of mind.
I think it’s going to come as a big surprise to her when I tell her what I’m thinking
Have you guys ever spoken about ending? Or how she does endings?
You've been in a long break so it might not be a surprise? And she knows that it will end at some point so maybe she has wanted you to bring it up when you are ready?
And I think that’s partly why I feel nervous about bringing it up
What will make you feel less nervous about this? You're not doing anything wrong. And she may will miss you a lot when this ends, but that's ok too.
makes me think I would like some structure and purpose to the wrapping up sessions.
That makes sense.
But still not 100% sure if I do want to fully stop or just switch to monthly sessions soon so that I just have a monthly check-in and we continue like that for the forseeable…
Also makes a lot of sense.

For me, T broached the subject of endings once or twice. The impact on me the first time caused a rupture as I then didn't trust that she would be there. So I think she was more cautious about bringing it up.
I brought it up a few times, asking how endings work, asking what other clients did etc. And would say "let's reduce in X weeks" and then come back and change my mind. It took a lot of forward and back about it.

In the end, we had 3 fortnightly sessions after a 4 week pause due to her illness and then ended. The idea of that was a combination of hers and mine. And whilst I was very nervous about it , it felt right-ish.

Maybe saying "I'm thinking about reducing therapy and working towards and ending but feel nervous about talking this through" is enough, or something similar? And see how the conversation goes.

I think I took some control of the ending in that I made journal entries and lists of the things I wanted to express in the goodbye. And suggesting we exchange a goodbye email to each other. I'm really happy I suggested that to her. She likes that idea too and seemed grateful for it.
All that helped.
How are you getting on now without T/sessions?
Getting better. I know that I am managing with all the things I learnt. I know that ending now was the right time for me. I miss her greatly. But I know this will change over time and that I can go back anytime I need to, either for a check-in session or returning properly. She's left the door wide open and it's what I need.
I know that I have to give myself time to her not being in my life.
 
Thanks @Survivor3 - that's interesting and helpful. I relate a lot to what you said about coasting in sessions! Which is why, if I decide to switch from weekly to, say, monthly (especially as part of moving towards ending therapy completely, rather than just continuing with monthly sessions for the foreseeable) I would want it to feel more purposeful than me just filling her in on what I've been up to for the past few weeks.

Sounds like the forced 6 month break gave you the impetus to, as you say, rip off the band aid and cut the cord. I'm glad that it's worked out well for you :-)

I know that, in terms of my mental health, I will be ok if I stop therapy. I was in a pretty major mental health crisis when I started seeing T 10 years ago. And now I am not! But 10 years with someone who feels safe and who knows all my stuff especially as my wife is the only other person I really talk about stuff with.... it still feels difficult letting that go and 'losing her'/that space...even if I probably know I don't really actively neeeeeed it now.
 
I know it's scary isn't it! All I can say is I think you'll be ok. It's just fear and when that cord is cut/loosened and your then facing the world with less/no contact with them and all those problems have been untangled and ironed out from over the years you just go on autopilot and from my experience see the world with a renewed vigor and confidence.
 
Have you guys ever spoken about ending? Or how she does endings?
Hmm...sort of, but not in an especially meaningful way... I have gone through phases for pretty much the whole time we've been working together where I have got very caught up in intense fantasies of firing her! So, that has come up....though we've only really tended to discuss that when I have been in one of those phases, so I was always coming from a really heightened state and she would tend to respond in a way of 'you are in control...it's your choice...whether we continue, take a break or you stop...all of that is your choice.' But then she would also frame it as my fear of intimacy etc and that it was easier for me to think about 'murdering our relationship' than to sit with my feelings about other stuff...

I've also raised a couple of times feeling that we are stuck and just being chatty and so I'm not really sure what I'm still coming for...again, she always responds that it's my choice and she'll always respect whatever choice I make. But often the says that therapy can look like lots of different things at different times...it isn't all doing deep, heavy psychological work....sometimes ongoing, long term therapy is lighter and chattier but it doesn't mean it's not therapy... And we have always then agreed to tighten up focus and be more purposeful...and we probably manage that for one or two next sessions, then slip back to how it was!

We've never really had a neutral, future-focused discussion about what ending therapy might look like when the time comes. It's always been more we're in a bit of a rupture and I'm triggered/frustrated/fed up feeling stuck etc...and then I raise it as a kind of 'I think maybe there's no point in this any more'....but then, ultimately, I carry on!

Actually, I have mentioned before that I tend to ghost relationships, rather than have a conscious, communicated ending. I just tend to drift off. So, I have told her that. And also said that, out of respect for her and the work we've done together over the years, I would want to finish 'properly' rather than just ghosting her (though ghosting would be much easier in many ways!)

I haven't asked her how she tends to do endings (that would probably be a good idea!) I don't know either whether she has had (m)any clients who have been this long term with her.


You've been in a long break so it might not be a surprise?

Yeah, I don't know... it's been a genuine break because of holidays and illness.

But, our last session did end on a not great note. We didn't have a major rupture or anything, but I was irritated by a couple of things she'd said, and I think I was a bit snappy and abrupt at the end because I was a bit fed up in the moment. So, I don't know whether she thinks this long break is partly related to that (it's really not!) and whether she thinks I am more upset about it than I am. Or maybe she didn't even pick up on my irritation! Who knows :-)

She has kept in touch a bit over this period of last few weeks when I have been unwell. Mostly just briefly checking-in, asking how I'm doing, and hoping I'm feeling a bit better. And that's really kind of her and I appreciate it. But most of the messages also include something about do I want a session this week/next week, or saying to please let her know when I feel up to a session. So, I don't know if that is her encouraging me to go back because she thinks I've drifted off? Don't know. But I'm feeling a bit anxious and under pressure from her messages, even though I don't think she's meaning to put me under pressure. I'm sure she's just being more like 'I'm here whenever you're ready.' It just feels a bit...sort of pushy. She messaged me just now and when I saw her name pop up I felt properly anxious! Probably because I feel she's encouraging me to book in...and I know that I'll probably be mentioning finishing in that next session...


What will make you feel less nervous about this? You're not doing anything wrong. And she may will miss you a lot when this ends, but that's ok too.

Yeah....realise I'm not doing anything wrong, and that it's not on me to take care of her feelings (she has said before that she would miss me if I decided to stop therapy - but also said that that was on her to manage) It's partly that I just don't want to blind side her. As a practitioner who works 121 with people myself, it can be difficult to get blind sided like this, so I don't really want her to do that. So, it's partly about respect for a fellow practitioner in a way (?) And also - when she's caught on the back foot, she can tend to get a bit defensive. So, in all honesty, I'm probably a bit nervous of getting that kind of response.


Glad you're going ok without your T at the mo (and I say that not meaning that it is easy) You have a lot going on at the moment and would usually be talking it through with T. So, I can imagine that sense of 'not having her in your life anymore' is being felt pretty acutely at times. But, if it doesn't sound patronising, I think you are doing really well working through that transition!



I really appreciate you helping me work through this stuff with me when you have a lot of it that you are working through for yourself at the moment.
 

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