Have you guys ever spoken about ending? Or how she does endings?
Hmm...sort of, but not in an especially meaningful way... I have gone through phases for pretty much the whole time we've been working together where I have got very caught up in intense fantasies of firing her! So, that has come up....though we've only really tended to discuss that when I have been in one of those phases, so I was always coming from a really heightened state and she would tend to respond in a way of 'you are in control...it's your choice...whether we continue, take a break or you stop...all of that is your choice.' But then she would also frame it as my fear of intimacy etc and that it was easier for me to think about 'murdering our relationship' than to sit with my feelings about other stuff...
I've also raised a couple of times feeling that we are stuck and just being chatty and so I'm not really sure what I'm still coming for...again, she always responds that it's my choice and she'll always respect whatever choice I make. But often the says that therapy can look like lots of different things at different times...it isn't all doing deep, heavy psychological work....sometimes ongoing, long term therapy is lighter and chattier but it doesn't mean it's not therapy... And we have always then agreed to tighten up focus and be more purposeful...and we probably manage that for one or two next sessions, then slip back to how it was!
We've never really had a neutral, future-focused discussion about what ending therapy might look like when the time comes. It's always been more we're in a bit of a rupture and I'm triggered/frustrated/fed up feeling stuck etc...and then I raise it as a kind of 'I think maybe there's no point in this any more'....but then, ultimately, I carry on!
Actually, I have mentioned before that I tend to ghost relationships, rather than have a conscious, communicated ending. I just tend to drift off. So, I have told her that. And also said that, out of respect for her and the work we've done together over the years, I would want to finish 'properly' rather than just ghosting her (though ghosting would be much easier in many ways!)
I haven't asked her how she tends to do endings (that would probably be a good idea!) I don't know either whether she has had (m)any clients who have been this long term with her.
You've been in a long break so it might not be a surprise?
Yeah, I don't know... it's been a genuine break because of holidays and illness.
But, our last session did end on a not great note. We didn't have a major rupture or anything, but I was irritated by a couple of things she'd said, and I think I was a bit snappy and abrupt at the end because I was a bit fed up in the moment. So, I don't know whether she thinks this long break is partly related to that (it's really not!) and whether she thinks I am more upset about it than I am. Or maybe she didn't even pick up on my irritation! Who knows :-)
She has kept in touch a bit over this period of last few weeks when I have been unwell. Mostly just briefly checking-in, asking how I'm doing, and hoping I'm feeling a bit better. And that's really kind of her and I appreciate it. But most of the messages also include something about do I want a session this week/next week, or saying to please let her know when I feel up to a session. So, I don't know if that is her encouraging me to go back because she thinks I've drifted off? Don't know. But I'm feeling a bit anxious and under pressure from her messages, even though I don't think she's meaning to put me under pressure. I'm sure she's just being more like 'I'm here whenever you're ready.' It just feels a bit...sort of pushy. She messaged me just now and when I saw her name pop up I felt properly anxious! Probably because I feel she's encouraging me to book in...and I know that I'll probably be mentioning finishing in that next session...
What will make you feel less nervous about this? You're not doing anything wrong. And she may will miss you a lot when this ends, but that's ok too.
Yeah....realise I'm not doing anything wrong, and that it's not on me to take care of her feelings (she has said before that she would miss me if I decided to stop therapy - but also said that that was on her to manage) It's partly that I just don't want to blind side her. As a practitioner who works 121 with people myself, it can be difficult to get blind sided like this, so I don't really want her to do that. So, it's partly about respect for a fellow practitioner in a way (?) And also - when she's caught on the back foot, she can tend to get a bit defensive. So, in all honesty, I'm probably a bit nervous of getting that kind of response.
Glad you're going ok without your T at the mo (and I say that not meaning that it is easy) You have a lot going on at the moment and would usually be talking it through with T. So, I can imagine that sense of 'not having her in your life anymore' is being felt pretty acutely at times. But, if it doesn't sound patronising, I think you are doing really well working through that transition!
I really appreciate you helping me work through this stuff with me when you have a lot of it that you are working through for yourself at the moment.