General Any Suggestions For Supporters When Sufferer Is Triggered? Frustrated.

[Mistyeyed2013]

My boyfriend has complex PTSD and is in therapy (after I suggested it over and over again). He has issues from the past, an abusive father, that he needs to deal with. He's very quick to temper, has anxiety issues, and also has zero patience. His doctor recently prescribed Zoloft to him. It's been over 2 month now and he's a lot better overall. BUT recently he dropped his dosage from 100mg to 50mg (due to sexual side effects) and I have noticed the change in his attitude...back to being more irritable, anxious, etc. I planned to discuss with him when things are calm that I didn't think the drop in dosage was a good idea. (Also I am not in therapy with him...at least not yet)

So long story short, he "blew up" over me taking a bite of his sandwich the other day after I dipped it in ranch salad dressing (he hates ranch dressing)...yes I know, sounds silly but yet very true. It was an innocent mistake. I am TIRED of "shutting up" when he blows up. I do so because I have learned (and researched) that to retaliate is NOT the thing to do with someone with C-PTSD. My personality is a very strong one and I am not one to let someone yell at and just take it. He normally goes through a cycle of being triggered, then isolating, then feeling bad for what he did, embarrassed, ashamed, etc. For the whole cycle to finish it takes several days. So I usually go several days without speaking to him. The good thing is most of the times, he understands that he was wrong, etc and apologizes.

Well this last time when he got mad at me and "blew up" I lost it and fired back. I guess I just couldn't help myself because I had so much built up inside of me. Any tips, suggestions on "what to do", "what not to do", books to read, etc. when someone is triggered? I am totally frustrated!! This is all new to me and even though I have read a lot about PTSD, I really want to hear about supporter's experiences and maybe get some tips from them. I feel that ones who have lived through it are the best ones to ask sometimes. I know its a long road ahead but I truly love this man and want to work this out. Thanks.

 

[kahlan]

Walk away. Its hard to not get caught up in the moment when an argument kicks off. I am the same way when someone comes at me, but even if its just for an hour, walk away from the fight. It takes a heck of a lot of willpower, but its honestly the best way I've found to diffuse the situation. Set up boundaries as to what is not acceptable behavior as well. This is actually a good thing for both sides to do. There will still be times when one or the other screws up but keeping clear "rules" in place then taking a time out can help immensly.

 

[kahlan]

Sorry for double posting but thought of something else :) I habe found that the real life issues are easier to understand than a cold academic approach myself. This forum has been immensely helpful keeping my head straight so hopefully it can help you too! Suporters section.is full of information! And welcome :)

 

[Flyaway]

Its not ok that he's blowing up at you! If you don't find a way to stand up for yourself you'll end up loosing confidence in yourself and him.

Have you thought about getting couples counselling? I hope he can get to a place where he takes responsibility for the way he's feeling before he blows up and handles his emotions in an emotionally mature way, rather than lashing out at you. You don't deserve that. You deserve someone who in the case of the ranch sandwich, will simply say to you "babe, I can't stand that dressing. Can you please make me another one?".

 

[lcb]

If I knew what I know now. I would get out of the relationship before you get married and have children. That is when the real stress comes and they can get even more emotional and lashing out at you.

I not saying you should do that. And I apologize maybe I am thinking of my own circumstances in this situation.

 

[Mistyeyed2013]

Thanks for your replies. I usually do walk away....or I should say, he walks away. But meanwhile, it takes a few days for him to calm down and it kills me. Being patient is very hard during all this. I get very frustrated. Also, his drop in meds, I feel has something to do with his recent blow up.

 

[kahlan]

I've seen in a few threads the mention of "code words" for when an argument is escalating to a bad place. When both of you are in a calm place maybe try coming up with one to signal a time out. If it is a change in the meds that's causing it perhaps he needs to speak with his doctor to work out what med combination will work best for him to help with his learning to.control his reactions :)

 

[Barberian]

If you don't find a way to stand up for yourself you'll end up loosing confidence in yourself and him.

[Sufferer]

If the "standing up for yourself" is not when he's in a rage I completely agree. Avoid at all costs a confrontation if he is raging.

My experience is when I'm in a rage, logic does not work. If someone gets in my face regardless of the reason, they are putting themselves in danger of being very badly hurt. Pride and logic are the two worst things to come at someone who is mentally ill and not able to use logic and think things through.

Please, please don't "stand your ground" if he is in a rage as you describe. Not only your pride may get hurt, but you may get hurt as well. Let him vent, then when he calms down talk to him if you feel you must.

Feel free to have boundaries of acceptable behavior. Just because he has PTSD is not a free ticket to abuse you mentally, emotionally, or physically. If he crosses any of these boundaries there should be consequences for his actions. I'm not talking about if he goes off on a rage he has to suffer the consequences, but if he becomes abusive to you or anyone else, if he threatens your safety, etc.

When I go into a rage, I destroy stuff around me, but I DON'T go after my wife. Usually, if I'm yelling at her, it is to leave me alone so I can finish the cycle without worrying about hurting her. I yell at her to get away from me, not trying to put her down and or abuse her, but for her safety.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Don't engage him when he is lashing out. It's like throwing gasoline on the fire. Just put your hand up, say, "I can't talk to you when you are lashing out. Call me when you calm down," then leave. Get out and stay out until he calms down. There is not going to be anything that you can do or say to calm him down. You also do not need to listen to him lash out at you, or be around him if he is blowing up.

Set that boundary, and be consistent every time. He will learn that you cannot tolerate being treated like that.

 

[Mistyeyed2013]

I understand that it's like throwing gasoline on a fire and like I said most of the times I listenly calmy and don't say anything in return (which is very hard for me to do). but I feel like a door mat and I build up anger and frustration. Meanwhile, I don't think he's started CBT (which I've read can be very helpful) so what I do is tell him when he's calm what I didn't like about the situation. Has anyone ever dealt with isolation right after a "blow up?" It seems to be the trend with him. Or is it specific to each person? Just curious..

 

[Barberian]

I isolate.

 

[kahlan]

You're not a doormat for walking away. Its taking care of yourself. Do something you enjoy: read a book go running or walking (exercise helps relieve some of the overflow tension. and anger built up).

As far as the isolating goes it can be hard. Use that time to keep yourself healthy! Hard for me because I have a tendency towards codependency. Everyone on occasion needs to get away for a bit at times when too stressed. People with ptsd need to do so more often because they don't deal with stress the same way someone else would. (See stress cup model) Isolating is his way to recharge.

Using the same logic you would use in a typical relationship doesn't tend to work as someone with ptsd brain is "rewired" by extremely stressful events to always be on guard for threats. How he reacts to the percieved threats can get better through therapy and the proper meds .

Just remember when you're walking away, its not necessarily about you and you are doing what's best for both of you.