Frustrated With A Fellow Ptsd Sufferer/friend

[lostforgottensoul]

and she has abandoned a friendship with me. It hurts to not even be heard. Again and again

Right, thats the point of giving her one and only one last chance but after that end the friendship because to you its abandonment over and over...its like being constantly re-traumatized and remember, that you're main concern and you and your mental health and no one else!

Thanks for validating this.

You are very welcome! :hug:

This is good! And it's so accurate. Really, I can't be in the place of deciding what is and isn't healthy/working for her... but I know that this isn't working for me.

Isnt that phrase awesome? I cant take credit for that, another member here come up with it but saying "Its just not working out for me" over and over stops any guilt trip abilities, you know?

You got this and no feeling guilty! Yku have done more than what you should have for her and at this point you are her doormat and thats not what you should be, you know?

BIG :hug:s

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Justmehere text her one last time and say "I'm ending our friendship, it's become one way and I's just not working out for me" and then after that set her number in your phone as spam, you wont see any addtl text in your inbox (i had to recently do that for someone & i dont see their messages at all).

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

I finally texted her. I have already asked (twice) when would be a good time to talk on the phone or...

Gosh...I am so, so sorry JMH! All of that sounds very, very overwhelming. I agree with Friday, that truly does sound like some manipulative tints by trying to 'blame you' for making her have a panic attack and leave class. Heads up: You are not responsible for her panic attacks. She is responsible for her own emotions and it's not your fault.

If you are going into a skype call, warn her that if your boundaries are pushed, you will walk away from the situation. When I asserted to my sufferer, "no texting me symptomatic or panicked texts, only skype messaging on such issues", the moment she tried to have a 'panic attack' talk with me via text, I shut off my phone and responded to her only when I got home. Believe me, it made me feel guilty as hell! But in the end, it turned out WAY better than if I just let her pass my boundary. If you feel your boundaries are being crossed, assert that she's crossed a boundary (and which one) despite your warnings, and you won't tolerate that. End call. Feel free to turn off your phone for the meanwhile, log off of skype. Do what you believe is right for you in this situation. You are not the bad guy! Keep in mind that perhaps this manipulation isn't done purposefully - she perhaps fears that you'll 'abandon' her and sometimes people do some really, really crappy things when they're terrified. Scared or not, know that you're not abandoning her - you're actually helping her, even if it doesn't seem so at first. Her behavior can really botch relationships with other people later in life, and asserting yourself and how you, and other people, are not constant outlets, is really important.

So sorry that this is happening to you, it really sucks. Hang in there! Hugs if you accept them! :hug:

 

[Justmehere]

Damn @Friday, you called it. And she did it again. I've never noticed this with her before...

I offered a time to Skype tomorrow or later this week. I wrote down my boundary and taped to my monitor. Then I can't miss it.

Now she says she doesn't know when she can Skype, she's too busy with school. "I know I am a terrible person failing at everything. If you are overwhelmed and need space then I understand."

My only response was, "Please let me when you know when you can Skype, and I will consider it. Otherwise, I need to ask for you to not text about other things until we can set up a time to talk first."

I'm hurt. Because I feel invisible. It's different than being flat out overwhelmed - but it does connect to that. I'm hurt because I'm only an outlet, unless she's scared I'm leaving and then...What the heck is even happening here?

I know this: it is no longer ok with me to be just an outlet.

I have another person in my life who has had just as hard of moments in the past but it never got to me like this. Like ever. They are doing well and we remain great friends through thick and thin. I terrible at relationships (and so is this other friend) so this is no minor feat. In that relationship, I'm visible.

I'm not going to be dragged into being invisible again in relationships again. I have a limit, I have a boundary, and why does that have to be so hard for anyone to accept that maybe I want to be in the relationship but not be invisible? Not be just an outlet? Grr. ok. Now I'm just pissed at my family for making me sensitive to this... and so damn good at being invisible/an outlet.

Now I have well trained this friend to expect the same from me.

We have been friends long enough (over a decade) and it's worth it to me to try to shoot for a Skype call to talk it through. Easily worth it. But I need to keep the boundaries.

 

[Ronin]

I know I am a terrible person failing at everything.

Manipulative BS.
Your needs don't come second after her needs.
She made it sound that way in two lines and it's still the same bollocks. That intro line to that 'if you need space' wasn't necessary & doesn't convey friendly & giving space intention at all. No wonder you feel like shit JMH.

I'm hurt. Because I feel invisible.

Yeah, like if you needed it.
You don't have to feel hurt in X different ways for it to count. You said yourself: You're hurt & feeling bad.
Enough to drop her.
Not that the reason was ever needed...
But if you need one, there's one.

Hope talking to your other buddy works, or at least provides relief & distraction from this toxic nonsense she'd been so engulfing you with. :hug:

 

[Suzetig]

All I want to say is well done. Seriously, I can see how she's pulling you and your determination not to be hooked back in and I'm so impressed with your strength. Well done.

 

[scout86]

Am I being selfish? Probably.

You don't sounds the least bit selfish to me. You sounds like you're trying to accurately sort out what's going on with her and with the relationship.

I'm not going to try to suggest a course of action.What ever you decide to do with her and about her would seem justified to me. You know her. You've seen something worthwhile in her. There might be a point in letting this run awhile and see where it ends up. But only if you can keep it in perspective and not get sucked in to the drama. Have a clear idea of what a friendship looks like to you and what appropriate ways for friends to treat each other are. Stick to your guns and see what happens. It's in HER best interest to learn to deal with other people straight up and dump the whole "poor me" thing. You can give her the opportunity to continue the friendship and learn something about playing well with others. She can chose to accept or reject the offer.

The best part is, this gives you a chance to practice this stuff and it sounds like you can use the practice. (Me too!)

I like the idea of notes on the monitor so you remember!

 

[anonymous]

I think you give her the best possible motivations to her actions and probably because that is what you would do or think. I don't believe her actions are just dissociative from what you say here. For example: She threatens suicide and then doesn't respond for days after. And never mentions it again. If she was dissociated and that was it she would be concerned about you and make sure you weren't worried when she came around again. She wouldn't be off posting on facebook. Or she would at least be concerned and embarrassed when you did eventually speak again. It's obvious she knows she contacted you. I also always check me phone and emails to be sure what I have done when possible.

There are issues here that are way more than PTSD. It sounds to me like she hasn't developed the ability to separate what are her emotions and what are others and who is responsible for what. And she is so caught up with her own pain that she can't see others. It took me a long time to realise that those who shout the loudest aren't necessarily in the most pain. If we have a lot of empathy that shouting hooks us in every time. We can all hit moments when we can't look any further than survival but most can see that after and are concerned about others feelings,

There is a difference between asking for support and dumping. It can be really hard to put into words but we always know when we are being dumped on. Its not one person speaking to another, You are rather an object that is there to receive their angst. Sometimes we are in a child state when we need help but this type of child state is often coming from a place of perpetual victimhood which isn't healthy for anyone and probably keeps her away from getting real professional help.

You could maybe tell her what you said here. That you miss and value your friend. That maybe she should get professional help and you think this will keep her sick. She really needs to do DBT in my opinion.

Remember this isn't your fault. It likely doesn't comment on how she feels about you and rather about how she is able to function in relationships. She needs to learn how to turn "me me me" into "me you you me you me me you etc"....

 

[joeylittle]

This stuff is hard, @Justmehere, and you're tackling it head-on. Well done for that.

I'm not going to be dragged into being invisible again in relationships again. I have a limit, I have a boundary, and why does that have to be so hard for anyone to accept that maybe I want to be in the relationship but not be invisible?

(bolding added for emphasis)

Here's the thing: you have made a decision, and it's a really healthy one. You want to construct your relationships differently. This is awesome.

You cannot be at all concerned with whether or not people accept your decision. They will either be able to understand and talk about it and work it through with you, or they won't. That part is all them, and not at all you. You can't fight for it - and if you do fight for it, you will shoot yourself in the foot, because then you are engaged in the un-winnable war called 'get other people to change'.

She will get it, or she won't. She'll try and change, or she won't. It will be really, really painful if she doesn't get it, and doesn't change - but that pain is the sadness of change, a friendship that has reached its ending point. You have to be fairly strict with yourself (in my opinion) to make sure the sadness isn't about how you didn't convince her, how you waited too long, whatever.

So, when you do talk with her - try and find the headspace of having already accepted your own choices, and being open to the possibility of her accepting you where you are at. The better you do this, the more relaxed you will be, and you'll have that tiny, necessary bit of detachment that allows you to see that you are a whole entity, with or without that particular relationship.

Ugh, I don't know if this is making sense. But it's something I've experienced, and done, and am trying to share what I realized about the real meaning and importance of that phrase we say a lot, which is that you cannot make other people do anything. You can only control your own actions. If you set yourself up as 'the person maintaining the boundaries', even, you're subordinating yourself to the relationship. It's a two way street, and she's got to come to the table. If she doesn't, you unfortunately need to find a way to detach that you are going to be comfortable with - and that's going to involve accepting that you are not responsible for keeping her alive. That, in itself, is going to be a very complicated thing for you - because you've lost people to suicide, and so a big part of you is engaged in trying to re-write the ending of some other, deeply painful experiences.

Can you keep in close contact with your therapist through all this? Maybe time your communication with friend so that you have therapy support either right before, or right after?

Sorry, I'm babbling at you.

 

[Justmehere]

I have a positive update: she did actually respond back to my setting the boundary that I did today with "Ok. I can do that. Thanks for being willing to talk to me later on."

You all have really great thoughts and feedback - it's helpful to read. It's helping me be really present with this, to be clear, and to let go of what isn't mine to hold to anyhow, without shutting down. It means a lot to me. Thank you deeply. I will write more later when my brain can compose a coherent sentences...

 

[hodge]

JMH, I just want to reinforce what others have said. You are NOT responsible for your friend's well being. She is. I know you know that but thought it might help for you to hear it again. She is an adult and is capable of seeking therapy and working on her own well-being. I am very glad she sent you that message. Perhaps something got through to her finally.

 

[EveHarrington]

Lots of great advice here. @Justmehere you've handled this situation in a very respectable way.

Just remember, it's not fair for you to be putting more effort into her healing than she is. Don't get me wrong, when I have a friend in need I'll be right there beside them to give support, however it's not my job to do the heavy lifting. They must be putting forth genuine effort and making an attempt to get better.

I think that oftentimes people equate support with making someone feel better immediately. Unfortunately sometimes the best thing we can do for someone is not immediately run to their rescue and attempt to fix all in the moment because we run the risk of enabling instead.