Honestly, if there were a quick fix for ptsd or any other disorder no one would be here. Regular therapy mixed with meds and various relaxation techniques has proven results in healing. To call a medication a placebo, while using well known pop culture "drs" names is reckless at best. Anyone reading this please be ressponsible and research. Yes, everyone deals in their own way, something that works for one may not work as well for someone else, but to make a blanket claim calling proven methods wrong can be dangerous!
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General Any Suggestions For Supporters When Sufferer Is Triggered? Frustrated.
- Post starter Mistyeyed2013
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- #14
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
Setting that boundary is standing up for yourself. You cannot argue or defend yourself verbally with a sufferer when they are lashing out. Everything just escalates to a really bad place. Even listening to them calmly while they lash out is not good for either of you. They are mean and horrible, then they later feel guilty about that. You get your feelings hurt, get angry, and want to fight back. It's just a cycle that wont end.
It's hard to get that, but it really is true. I understand totally, because I am a strong personality too, and there is no way in h@ll I would listen to crap like that come out of somebody's mouth without standing up for myself. I realized that was really counterproductive though. When a sufferer is lashing out, they are not in control of their emotions, and throwing your emotions in on top of all that is just not going to work. They wont listen to a word you say at that point in time, so saying anything important at all is useless.
When you absolutely refuse to listen to verbal abuse, and you physically leave every time you hear it, you are laying down the law in a non-verbal way. They will eventually learn that lashing out at you is crossing your very firm boundary, and you will not tolerate it. If they want you to listen to what they have to say to you, they have to say it in a calm way. It works soo much better than trying to fight back, it really does. Actually learning how to set that boundary with my sufferer is the best thing I have ever done as a supporter.
Isolation after a blow up seems to be pretty common. My vet does it too. He needs alone time to get a grip and reset. Actually, after awhile I grew to appreciate a day or two off after a bad blow up. It kind of diffuses the situation, and I can calm down too.
Like kahlan said, that stress cup model is a great reference. It explains why a sufferer hits that lashing out point in a really easy to understand way.
It's hard to get that, but it really is true. I understand totally, because I am a strong personality too, and there is no way in h@ll I would listen to crap like that come out of somebody's mouth without standing up for myself. I realized that was really counterproductive though. When a sufferer is lashing out, they are not in control of their emotions, and throwing your emotions in on top of all that is just not going to work. They wont listen to a word you say at that point in time, so saying anything important at all is useless.
When you absolutely refuse to listen to verbal abuse, and you physically leave every time you hear it, you are laying down the law in a non-verbal way. They will eventually learn that lashing out at you is crossing your very firm boundary, and you will not tolerate it. If they want you to listen to what they have to say to you, they have to say it in a calm way. It works soo much better than trying to fight back, it really does. Actually learning how to set that boundary with my sufferer is the best thing I have ever done as a supporter.
Isolation after a blow up seems to be pretty common. My vet does it too. He needs alone time to get a grip and reset. Actually, after awhile I grew to appreciate a day or two off after a bad blow up. It kind of diffuses the situation, and I can calm down too.
Like kahlan said, that stress cup model is a great reference. It explains why a sufferer hits that lashing out point in a really easy to understand way.
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- #15
Mistyeyed2013
Bronze Member
Thank you all. I will have to look up the "stress cup model" Because he is in his beginning stages of therapy, I'm sure he hasn't really learned how to handle his emotions yet. I believe he's still in the "feeling secure" with his therapist stage. I just feel like his Dr. needs to also address the "here and now" events too. I assume my BF will tell him about the recent episode. I continue to tell him that 100% honestly is the best policy with his therapist.
Also his isolation lasts several day..sometimes even a few weeks. We are dating long distance (2hrs) to that works for him and against me. I can handle a few days but then it starts to get really hard on me. I think he takes advantage of it and drags it out a bit more. Because obviously if we lived together he would have to return home or come out of his room, etc more quickly.
Also his isolation lasts several day..sometimes even a few weeks. We are dating long distance (2hrs) to that works for him and against me. I can handle a few days but then it starts to get really hard on me. I think he takes advantage of it and drags it out a bit more. Because obviously if we lived together he would have to return home or come out of his room, etc more quickly.
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- #17
Mistyeyed2013
Bronze Member
@ Kahlan- are you in a long distance relationship too? I agree!! When he "blows up" and we're stuck together for whatever reason....I leave him alone and/or he leaves the house for an hr. and returns and it slowly gets better. But having "distance" against you totally stinks!
- Post starter
- #18
Mistyeyed2013
Bronze Member
Out of curiosity...when a sufferer "isolates' what's the usually cycle consist of in one's experience?
And I know everyone's is different. For example with my BF his cycle is as such: a "stressor" initiates his PTSD (in this case I took a bite of his sandwich and dipped it in ranch salad dressing), basically he yells, etc, then he "isolates" and stays angry for several hours, then (from what I can tell and what he's told me after) his isolation reasons change from "being left alone to calm down", "to being isolated because he feels guilty". Then followed by feeling embarrassed or ashamed. And then usually several days (full cycle can last up to 2 weeks) later I contact him (95% of the time) and he apologizes. He almost never initiates contacting me. Once again, this is fairly new to me so I am really curious as to how others experience it or handle it.
And I know everyone's is different. For example with my BF his cycle is as such: a "stressor" initiates his PTSD (in this case I took a bite of his sandwich and dipped it in ranch salad dressing), basically he yells, etc, then he "isolates" and stays angry for several hours, then (from what I can tell and what he's told me after) his isolation reasons change from "being left alone to calm down", "to being isolated because he feels guilty". Then followed by feeling embarrassed or ashamed. And then usually several days (full cycle can last up to 2 weeks) later I contact him (95% of the time) and he apologizes. He almost never initiates contacting me. Once again, this is fairly new to me so I am really curious as to how others experience it or handle it.
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- #19
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
I think that's pretty close to the range of feelings my vet goes through, or at least the feelings that I have observed and/or he's told me about. He doesn't isolate that long *so far, knock wood*, but I do know that after the anger and lashing out, he feels really bad about it. He will usually contact me in a few hours, to a day or two, because he knows that I won't talk to him until he calms down, and he immediately apologizes.
Another thing that helps us in these situations is that he doesn't have to apologize for the emotions he felt. He can tell me why he got mad, hurt, or upset at me. Those are valid emotions. He apologizes for the way he handled those emotions (ie lashing out, or being a tool in general). I think that once he knew that it didn't upset me if he got mad at me, it made it easier for him to come to me an apologize for any lashing behavior. Everybody in a relationship pisses off their partner at some point in time... it's just natural.
Another thing that helps us in these situations is that he doesn't have to apologize for the emotions he felt. He can tell me why he got mad, hurt, or upset at me. Those are valid emotions. He apologizes for the way he handled those emotions (ie lashing out, or being a tool in general). I think that once he knew that it didn't upset me if he got mad at me, it made it easier for him to come to me an apologize for any lashing behavior. Everybody in a relationship pisses off their partner at some point in time... it's just natural.
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- #20
Nicolette
Supporter Admin
Page 7 of the Get It Now Download
[DLMURL]https://www.myptsd.com/c/threads/understanding-ptsd.36785/[/DLMURL]
- Post starter
- #21
Mistyeyed2013
Bronze Member
@ Nicolette--thank you so much for the link!! It definitely helps!
I know this isn't part of your original question but I was wondering if you had explored why he got so upset about you taking a bite of his sandwich? I'm not condoning his over-reaction, just think it would be helpful to understand the background of it in the hopes it won't be repeated.
My SO also has combat PTSD and he has a lot of quirks around food and gets pretty upset if I help myself to something on his plate, even when there is lots of whatever it is, he is very protective of his food. For him it comes from living in combat situation, month after month of very little food and what there was was truly terrible. Also seeing civilians in war torn areas fighting each other over food. He knows how scarce it can be and how precious food can be. He knows his feelings about it are overly-sensitive and that the original reason is no longer valid as lack of food is not an issue at home, but he can't help his initial reaction. I found that knowing that food is one of his stressors and potential triggers, and knowing why, has helped me a lot to have empathy rather than frustration.
My SO also has combat PTSD and he has a lot of quirks around food and gets pretty upset if I help myself to something on his plate, even when there is lots of whatever it is, he is very protective of his food. For him it comes from living in combat situation, month after month of very little food and what there was was truly terrible. Also seeing civilians in war torn areas fighting each other over food. He knows how scarce it can be and how precious food can be. He knows his feelings about it are overly-sensitive and that the original reason is no longer valid as lack of food is not an issue at home, but he can't help his initial reaction. I found that knowing that food is one of his stressors and potential triggers, and knowing why, has helped me a lot to have empathy rather than frustration.
LizardViolet
Silver Member
Mistyeyed, it sounds to me like while the apparent issue is coping with your bf when he blows up, there is also stress building up in you. Anger, frustration, irritation, sadness, the whole stew supporters have to deal with when we've been with a sufferer for a length of time. Also, it may seem like now that he's in therapy, he should be getting better, right? Even though your rational mind knows that there's hell to get through before he gets to "better," part of you may be hoping and wishing and expecting improvement as soon as possible. My suggestion is for you to concentrate on yourself and self care and building up your own resilience, strength and patience. You've gotten worn down and the two of you are by no means off the PTSD merry-go-round yet.
scout86
VIP Member
PTSD doesn't make you a jerk, but it can certainly make you act like one. It also shouldn't give you a free pass to do how ever you want. If you're going to be in a relationship, that is about "we" and "us", not you & him, if that makes sense. It might be the right relationship, it might not. PTSD will be part of it, but the relationship needs to be evaluated on it's own merit.
From my one perspective, I'm trying to learn how to tell when what I'm feeling/experiencing is "being triggered". I'm trying really hard to sort this out, but sometimes I'm pretty slow. If I was in a relationship, I would appreciate it if my SO would point out what's going on, if they happen to see it first. Because I am who I am, we'd probably have to come up with a light hearted way to do it. For example, once upon a time, I WAS in a good relationship (with the first person to recognize that I have "a problem", in fact). He gave me a goofy nickname and made up a story about the name being for a little wild animal that lived in the woods. They were hard to get to know and very suspicious. Once you got to know them, though, they were a lot of fun. (I realize everyone wouldn't think this was amusing, but I did.) When things started to go south, he would start telling stories about some quirk of that little creature that he perceived was emerging at the moment and needed attention. He started doing this at times when there was nothing "going on", (Did I mention he was a genius?) So, when a problem came up, he had a light hearted, loving, way of making me look at what was going on so I could see for myself that things were out of wack.
That's kind of a long way around to the idea that you need to come up with something that will work for the 2 of you and you can't do it during an argument. You also need to be coming from a place of love, not judgement, hurt, or fear. As far as leaving/not leaving goes having someone storm out of the house can be kind of "triggering" in itself for some people. How about, if you feel you have to leave, saying something like, "I can't continue this discussion right now, I need time to calm down, I'll be back in a hour (or tomorrow, or what ever seems like it will work). Or HE needs to leave, if it's your house. But, put a time limit on it so it's totally obvious that you aren't giving up on him or the relationship, you just think things need to cool off. Granted, it might be HIM that needs to get a grip. I suspect telling him that is going to sound like an accusation and that may or may not be the way to go. He needs to have the same option, to call a time out, but he also has to call a "time in".
As far as him "isolating" goes, how about asking him to put a time limit on that too, for the same reason, so YOU know he's not checking out on the whole relationship, forever. I think you 2 HAVE to be able to talk about this stuff if you're going to make the relationship work. If you can't ever have an adult conversation about things what kind of "relationship" do you actually have?
BTW, the reason I'm trying to figure out what's "being triggered" is, is that once I see it for what it is, I shift gears. I think "Oh, this isn't really a threat at all, it's just the PTSD tricking my brain into going down that road again. I don't have to do that, I can react another way." That let's me change the way I perceive the situation and how I'm reacting. It isn't always EASY to change how I'm reacting, but I can't deal with that until I see what's going on.
I hope that makes sense and sorry this got so long!
From my one perspective, I'm trying to learn how to tell when what I'm feeling/experiencing is "being triggered". I'm trying really hard to sort this out, but sometimes I'm pretty slow. If I was in a relationship, I would appreciate it if my SO would point out what's going on, if they happen to see it first. Because I am who I am, we'd probably have to come up with a light hearted way to do it. For example, once upon a time, I WAS in a good relationship (with the first person to recognize that I have "a problem", in fact). He gave me a goofy nickname and made up a story about the name being for a little wild animal that lived in the woods. They were hard to get to know and very suspicious. Once you got to know them, though, they were a lot of fun. (I realize everyone wouldn't think this was amusing, but I did.) When things started to go south, he would start telling stories about some quirk of that little creature that he perceived was emerging at the moment and needed attention. He started doing this at times when there was nothing "going on", (Did I mention he was a genius?) So, when a problem came up, he had a light hearted, loving, way of making me look at what was going on so I could see for myself that things were out of wack.
That's kind of a long way around to the idea that you need to come up with something that will work for the 2 of you and you can't do it during an argument. You also need to be coming from a place of love, not judgement, hurt, or fear. As far as leaving/not leaving goes having someone storm out of the house can be kind of "triggering" in itself for some people. How about, if you feel you have to leave, saying something like, "I can't continue this discussion right now, I need time to calm down, I'll be back in a hour (or tomorrow, or what ever seems like it will work). Or HE needs to leave, if it's your house. But, put a time limit on it so it's totally obvious that you aren't giving up on him or the relationship, you just think things need to cool off. Granted, it might be HIM that needs to get a grip. I suspect telling him that is going to sound like an accusation and that may or may not be the way to go. He needs to have the same option, to call a time out, but he also has to call a "time in".
As far as him "isolating" goes, how about asking him to put a time limit on that too, for the same reason, so YOU know he's not checking out on the whole relationship, forever. I think you 2 HAVE to be able to talk about this stuff if you're going to make the relationship work. If you can't ever have an adult conversation about things what kind of "relationship" do you actually have?
BTW, the reason I'm trying to figure out what's "being triggered" is, is that once I see it for what it is, I shift gears. I think "Oh, this isn't really a threat at all, it's just the PTSD tricking my brain into going down that road again. I don't have to do that, I can react another way." That let's me change the way I perceive the situation and how I'm reacting. It isn't always EASY to change how I'm reacting, but I can't deal with that until I see what's going on.
I hope that makes sense and sorry this got so long!
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