Anyone Else Go From Normal To Suicidal Within Minutes?

[lisamarie]

Hi all,

I have really been struggling bad with my PTSD lately. A lot of nights of anxiety and depression. I've been taking a "natural" anti-depressant, SAM-E, which has helped about 80% I'd say. But there are days/nights (like Friday night, last night, and today) where I will go from a completely normal mood to absolutely suicidal, like, deeply depressed and wanting to die, within MINUTES. I mean like five minutes. I feel like a wave of depression chemicals wash over me, it is insane. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I had been doing good and hadn't thought about killing myself for about three weeks, but last Friday, and then this weekend, have just been bad.

I am going to up my dose of SAM-E tomorrow, maybe that will help.

I am just kind of wondering if this is a normal thing for other PTSD sufferers? Like, to feel COMPLETELY normal (normal being relative, HAHA) and then to want to die within a few minutes? Anyone else experience such huge shifts in mood?

 

[Red Feather]

I think it depends. Sometimes it happens to me, because I have a thought or situation that triggers the SI. Like once a guy was sort of trying to hit on me, and then I had SI. That is a very obvious example, but it is not always that obvious. Do you notice anything that is happening for you to suddenly have those emotions? Having SI gets stronger when your ability to cope get overwhelmed, or your stress factors get too strong. Anthony wrote a good thread about it on this forum. I'm sure it is not easy to stay aware of everything that is happening in your conscious and unconscious, but staying mindful of how you feel and how strong your coping mechanism is might help this. But in anycase I hope you can find somebody to talk to about it. Do you have a T? Take care.

 

[lisamarie]

Thanks for the reply. Sometimes I think it happens when I feel abandoned, at which point I frequently reach out for support and end up empty handed. I have other things going on in my life -- my boyfriend is incarcerated -- so this triggers the depression too. I do have a therapist, yes, in fact, I'm so nuts that I have two, LOL. Two different techniques. Do you have a link to that thread you are referring to?

 

[bethinhfx]

EGO-STATES? I have been suicidal off and on my whole life- attempts and severe depressions. At christmas I was thinking about my sister and suddenly I felt really desperate and suicidal. I reached out and called a hotline; it was that bad. After I got off the phone I felt something in me kind of " switch" and suddenly I wasn't suicidal anymore. The part of me that is suicidal has always been in a lot of pain. I think that might explain the one minute okay; the next minute suicidal. I have been integrating a lot this year. Recovery is possible. :) Peace!

 

[Red Feather]

Sorry, I guess I was thinking of another source of information.
It was this one: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

That was where I read this quote:

You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.

Yeah so that was I was referring to. It helped because it made me realize that there are two ways to handle it. Like of course reducing the pain is not often very possible, especially with PTSD which is due to trauma and uncontrolable situations mostly. So finding ways to cope is then a really good help, because even if it feels there is nobody to talk to, if you look, normally there would be somebody who would be able and willing to talk to.

That's great that you have two T's. As long as it isn't confusing, sure. I can also understand the feeling of being abandoned. It's great that you are able to reflect on this and looking for help. It is probably easy of me to say this, when I should actually be saying it to myself. I mean I get SI sometimes and have not watched my thoughts when it happens. When you say you feel empty handed, I can understand because the help you are looking for might not come in the form you seeking. I hope this helps in anycase. You are not alone in dealing with this! (((((((hugs for you)))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

To me, I can recognize 4 different issues (for myself).

The 'quick change' you describe, I think Nadia is right, a trigger. Try the search engine here for Emotional Flashbacks/ Pete Walker's writings.
Then there is biochemical depression, one needs a Dr.
Then there's the 'atypical depression' that is part of ptsd (cognitively connected?)

Lastly there is having no purpose, combined with being a burden, and lacking appropriate (a 'natural') fear of death.

Any which way one looks at it however, it involves (so they say) constricted thinking, and evolves when stressors are greater than the means to cope with them.

And oh yes, there can also be dissociation.

((((((Hugs)))) to you, hang in there.

 

[Venusian]

I have been trying to find the words to start a thread like this. I have never been suicidal but the past few months the thoughts have been there, not all the time and they just seem to come out of the blue. I know I would never act on them but it scares me that they are there. I go from feeling like I am getting through this and the world isn't all that bad and moments later I am curled in a ball on the couch wondering why I am still here.

I have also been trying to identify the emotions that wash over me when this happens and it is hard. The trauma happened when I was so young that I didn't know what happened to me nor could I put words to what I was feeling and I buried them. Those emotions are all surfacing now and I still don't know how to put them into words or what triggers them. Most of the time I am alone at home and under no stress and just relaxing.

(((Lisamarie))) you are not alone in these feelings.

 

[Tinyflame]

There are rarely words for me either. It just seems -idk- a matter-of-fact better choice (at those times). Makes sense partly under 'normal' circumstances, entirely then.

 

[TLight]

Happens to me all the freakin time......sometimes trigger, sometimes not. I don't know....whacky.

 

[Red Feather]

Yeah I agree there does not always have to be a trigger. Like yesterday I had been triggered, but it was the kind of trigger that leaves me in bed for days. So there is no telling exactly what is happening and how long things will be like that. Like sometimes I am okay, but then I feel all these emotions that are overwhelming. Venusian, I think that the trauma also brings this out. At least that was what I realized, I had to write about my trauma to my new T, and then after one or two days, I had this intense dissociative episode with SI. I know it was because I had written about the trauma, because it brought those emotions out that are so self-destructive. And I talked about it with someone and cried a whole lot, and started to feel slowly better.

 

[Tinyflame]

They said EFB's often don't have recognizable triggers.
I can't remember what the article said ( :( ) , but it's on the forum somewhere and has 13 points to follow to snap out of it.
I only remember 'Stop' and (to know) you're safe now.

 

[lisamarie]

I go from feeling like I am getting through this and the world isn't all that bad and moments later I am curled in a ball on the couch wondering why I am still here.

Exactly!!!! Like probably four hours ago I wanted to die, now I feel better. I still feel the lump of depression in my stomach but I no longer want to passively or directly kill myself, the thoughts have passed.

I hate that so many other people are going thru this but am happy for the support.