Anyone Else Go From Normal To Suicidal Within Minutes?

[Tinyflame]

Lisamarie in your case then never forget those feelings can, will and do pass. Maybe look at what you just posted (at those times).
((((Hugs))))

 

[Girl3]

Thank you for expressing it the way I feel it. 5am - coffee, work - great. 7:02 the surgeon looked at me funny I knew I should have killed myself after coffee. OH CODE BLUE - runrunrunrun - patient alive. I feel better. My daughter called and my husband told her she was a moron for some assinine reason - I need to kill him and myself. Gosh my poor daughter - I'l just kill myself, but leave a not for the authorities that she needs to live with stable people - like an adopted family from Greece or Norway.

I just drove ten hours adn during that time I had at least a dozen talks with myself about ending it. And then I'd see a flock of deer, or cut dog in another car....and for a few moments it seemed not so important to want to die. At least tonight.

 

[lisamarie]

I'm sorry so many are going thru this, but I am so glad that I am not alone. Do you all think this is just PTSD or depression? I think mine is PTSD....I think the chemicals in my brain are all jacked up. :cautious:

 

[Chincho]

It happens to me every day. I can't remember the day I wanted to live all day. My moods are a rollercoaster.

 

[bethinhfx]

@Chinco: :( That sucks! I hope today is a good day for you. Beth

 

[just me here]

I don't think it comes to me from nowhere, I think it lurks in my subconcious and when I realise it is there I force the thoughts to come out "into the light" of my true thoughts. It sometimes might seem like it came from nowher but I beleive it is really just hiding and festering until I notice it and only then do I see how truly ugly and big and scary it is.

have you ever been doing a relaxation exercise where you are supposed to just get comfortable and take a mental inventory of the feelings you are experiencing, the weight of your arms, the warmth of your socks in your boots, the movement of your abdomen as you breath- stuff like that? I have as part of both a biofeedback training and as part of some basic meditation techniques. Heres my point- a couple of times I have been doing the exercise and realised I had a whopper of a headache. My stresses and anxiety and frustration and anger had all served to overwhelm the realisation that I was suffering real pain too. And it was as if the headache just materialised but I am sure I had just not noticed it.

Is that a possibility for you? could it be that you just haven't been aware that the suicidal thoughts were there and suddenly became un-ignorable?

 

[AzureMind]

Normal to Suicidal in minutes? Ha! I can top you with SECONDS! :laugh: Most days I spend the better part of it outwardly carrying on with regular tasks looking fairly normal, but then the other half is spent, in the madness of my problems. I'm stuck in the anxiety, which brings on dissociation, which brings on depression, and the endless circle of problems, which by the end of the day, I'm SO exhausted, I can't think, or CARE to think straight, and all I can do is lay down like an old dog, and just PRAY that I can fall into that black void called sleep, and that's IF I get to sleep! :laugh:

The days where I'm usually stuck having to talk myself down from suicide; it's like I separated from that part of myself that's suicidal sufferer, and I spend a majority of the day talking that suicidal part down as the supporter. The dialogue goes something like this:

"That's it...this cycle, it drives me insane :unsure: how can I stop it? IS there an END to it? ":eek:

" sigh, You don't want to do this, if you do it's the end. There's no coming back from the boat ride you're about to take; weigh your options."

"I'm so alone, :( I'm afraid, :unsure: I've got next to NO REAL friends, :mad: I have no one who accepts me for me! blah blah blah!!"

I'm sick of my OWN suffering it's ridiculous! I'd rather just be a regular 20 something, go out, socialize, have fun, think nothing of laughing at a friends fart! But that's probably not gonna happen. I've got no choice but to suck it up, and push on somehow. Dunno how yet, but I guess I'm still here, and I haven't kicked my bucket yet. :tup:

 

[AzureMind]

I don't think it comes to me from nowhere, I think it lurks in my subconcious and when I realise it is there I force the thoughts to come out "into the light" of my true thoughts. It sometimes might seem like it came from nowher but I beleive it is really just hiding and festering until I notice it and only then do I see how truly ugly and big and scary it is.

I think you're right JMH...I think my suicidal ideation comes up when I'm depressed over my circumstances, which is like everyday! That, and being overwhelmed with emotions, and problems I have no current answer for; fact is, I don't have any memory of WHAT caused the depression/suicidal ideation really; I have no visual/sequential memory of it, but my body's still stuck in the middle of something that happened years ago that I can't remember...I get depressed because I'm alone, and everyone around me is GREAT at pretending, or downplaying their own emotions, but I just drag on through the day just sort of 'taking' what comes my way...I don't even have the energy to put up a fight anymore because my energy is so low, I can barely assert myself when needed...ugh, I just wanna crawl under a rock, or NEVER leave the house, but currently, I've gotta, because If I don't, I'll loose it, so I'm forced outward into the loud noises, unpredictable people, and feeling totally exposed with no sanctuary, but a friend or two's house...it's rough, but somehow I do it...I mean, when I get my own place, at least, AT LONG LAST, I can be alone, in my quiet, in my peace, in MY HOME.

have you ever been doing a relaxation exercise where you are supposed to just get comfortable and take a mental inventory of the feelings you are experiencing, the weight of your arms, the warmth of your socks in your boots, the movement of your abdomen as you breath- stuff like that? I have as part of both a biofeedback training and as part of some basic meditation techniques. Heres my point- a couple of times I have been doing the exercise and realized I had a whopper of a headache. My stresses and anxiety and frustration and anger had all served to overwhelm the realization that I was suffering real pain too. And it was as if the headache just materialised but I am sure I had just not noticed it.

I'm interested in this. I think I'll give it a try. It works right? I mean, normally because I'm so spacey/dissociative, I don't really feel 'in' my body a whole lot...I mean, I try to anyway. I feel my anxiety alot, and my depression, and how far away I feel from everything, and how it feels like nothing will change, but I know it can if I JUST get over this hump. So, is the point of this to 'feel' the sensations of your body? To be conscious of the pain?

Is that a possibility for you? could it be that you just haven't been aware that the suicidal thoughts were there and suddenly became un-ignorable?

They became un-ignorable just a few months ago like a year ago really...I have to get out by myself.

 

[just me here]

So, is the point of this to 'feel' the sensations of your body? To be conscious of the pain?

The point of the exercise is to calm your body and to get your mind into an objective attitude about your current mental state. I was taught that taking stock in an objective way, not thinking of pain as "bad" or warmth or cold as "Good", just noticing the sensations and moving on to the next sensation easily, lazily, as objectively and non judgementally as you can will help you to be able to carry the technique over into objectively noticing your thoughts without attaching judgement to them either. It works for me sometimes.

If you get a chance to take some biofeedback classes, it will help you to learn the technique faster by giving you an instant real time measurement of your progress. It is basically a lite version of a lie detector, the machine measures your heart rate and respiration rate and electrical muscle stimulation. If you clench a fist or your jaw the graph shows it and a tone gets higher in pitch, if you are doing a good job of it the tone gets lower and lower till it goes silent. I recommend it to anyone, especially those of us with some reservations about some of the meditation techniques based loosely on zen budhism. I got no problem with the religion, I have a problem with some of the imagery you are supposed to be using, and some of the "warm and fuzziness" of it. I like data, I like measureable results. Typical engineer type I guess.

 

[shell]

Great thred, I thought it was just me. I avoid my emotions sometimes, actually that's probably a lot, because I can react really badly when I get swamped.

I think I get triggered, when I am feeling abandoned, and all the stupid thoughts begin. My T mentioned how rapidly my moods are changing in therapy, and it is a reflection on what I am doing all the time. Recently I didn't care if I was going to be hurt in a possible car crash, I failed to react normally. At times I have lost that fear of dying.

 

[Omnia vincit amor]

I have completely lost my fear of dying. I used to be afraid of many things: height, speed, flying etc and now I have tried bungee jumping, roller coasters and plan to jump with a parachute.

I have a constant latent wish not to exist anymore (this was in my final hospital report given as a reason why their therapy failed)

Active suicidal thoughts are coming in waves triggered by flashbacks, also by humiliating memories from the hospital.

I do not think I will ever call the hotline - when the ideas are coming I can not trust in a stranger anymore. I think of my daughter very strongly that is all what helps.

 

[just me here]

Then keep thinking about your daughter.

I have lived with a similarly worded note in my file for quite some time now. I am also allergic to sudden losses of velocity as in sudden stops caused by immobile objects. I give both of those diagnosis equal value on a day to day basis, and I get by without letting either one be the final diagnosis as best as I can. I think your daughter deserves an effort from you to do the same. You are more to her than a constant latent wish to have a parent in her life.