General Anyone Else Living With Memory Problems? Help!

[Pale Warrior]

Husband has a range of symptoms, some come and go and we have spent 12 years finding triggers and work-arounds.

However, the one that we can't get to grips with is his problem with laying down new memories. Whole conversations go missing and he insists that they never took place, gets hurt and withdraws. It affects every aspect of our lives, he screws up appointments, forgets people have called when I am out, fails to carry out tasks he has said he will do, loses things constantly - important things like car keys,wallets and phones. We were together for 7 years before the accident and this was not part of his make up.

I saw this a persistant issue many years ago and on a couple of occassions joined his therapy sessions with this as my key symptom for discussion. Both T and I made suggestions about the use of external memory - paper based and/or electronic - but he has fought tooth and nail against our proposals. When I have got to boiling point (usually after a major screw up) and made clear demands of him, he has half heatedly agreed to making lists or using an electronic diary/reminder on his phone. Then he forgets to check the list/phone, feels bad about having screwed up again and withdraws.

This is not a deal breaker but it's like living with black hole - I can never be sure if he will remember what I am saying and can't trust him to do anything he has agreed to. Like ground hog day, wash rinse repeat. I know it is destroying his self confidence too and the last thing I want to do is make him feel any worse that he already does but swallowing the frustration is killing me.

He has finished with his therapy and I am left with the feelings of frustration and disapointment. If I do everything, take control of his life and remove the risks of these black holes I infantalise him and push our relationship back to the period just after his accident when he was helpless in every respect and that is not an option....

Has anyone else had to cope with this?

I feel like I am going to explode.

 

[amethist]

My husband also suffers with short term memory loss, last year, 10 years ago are not a problem, but this morning or yesterday can be a big problem.

This was not how he was either before PTSD invaded our lives, but it does seem to be something we have to deal with now.

It is annoying for us and so frustrating for them. My husband got to the point not long ago, where he said, "If I act like a kid, then treat me like one, and leave me a note, and stick it where I can see it".

I remind him about quite a few things, and it is now part of our normality. I remind him, he does not get stressed for forgetting.

What does upset my husband is the fact that he remembers very little of the first 2 years after his accident, and he has to ask me what happened.

Many times he has told me the next day or even a few days later that, his mum called or my daughter called while I was out.

So you are not alone with this, in any way.

Amethist

 

[Pale Warrior]

"If I act like a kid, then treat me like one, and leave me a note, and stick it where I can see it".

Oh, the dream of it!

I remind him, he does not get stressed for forgetting.

We need to work on this, right now it's a hot button for him, worsend by his denial that the events took place.

Sometimes I just back down and walk away, sometimes I remind him that I am not the one with memory problems and the likelyhood of me fabricating a situation to upset him is less than nil. Logic.

What does upset my husband is the fact that he remembers very little of the first 2 years after his accident, and he has to ask me what happened.

Don't feel too bad for this, mine has good memory of the hospital years and it still haunts him. I have had to go throught the ITU time with him, but I kept a journal so he could read it and it made it easier for both of us.

Thanks for responding, you are the first person to ever acknowledge the black hole memory thing as being more than just us.

 

[Toria]

Oh Pale Warrior - welcome to my world! You are right - it is good to know that there are others out there in the same situation. Not so good for that other person, but hey ho - misery loves company! ;)

This has been causing me some major stress of late. Husband has his own business, which I run for him. I do all his paperwork, answer his phone, make his appointments, do his accounts etc etc. I don't want that to sound big headed, it's not. It got to the point where his temper made it impossible to continue working for someone else and I said that I would run the office and he could get out and do what he is good at - the practical stuff.

This past few months though things have gone down hill - my Supporter Rage thread was started due to his memory and ringing up a customer and not knowing what he was saying. Another example was yesterday - he has a very demanding customer at the moment and sod's law says that nothing is going according to plan! Yesterday I sent him a text saying that there were three days in the diary for her next week and did he still need them? He replied and said yes, to leave them in. He never asked which days (he's not there for the rest of the week so he could not simply presume that they were going to be consecutive days) and told her that they would be back Monday to Wednesday. Well I had him in for Wednesday to Friday - and he had seen it in the diary, he did know - well, he did at one point.

He has driven a 90 mile round trip three times because he could not remember whether he had measured the glass accurately or not... and yes that was for the same woman!!!

He has forgotten to order things, forgotten to ring people, forgotten to confirm things.

The saddest part was last weekend. His son came over from Germany with his girlfriend and their two respective children. Her's was 4 years old and called James, his is 1 1/2 and called Jonathan. He could not remember who's child was who's, which was Jonathan and which was James - it was horrible to see. He couldn't remember his own Grandson.

The thing is, for some things his memory is fantastic. I jokingly say that my memory is so full that if something is squeezed in something else falls out the other side! But to see him becoming that way - I find it very sad. And yes - very, very frustrating.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Yeah Toria! [Hi five's]

It's like wading through treacle sometimes. And you're right about the rage, I know he can't help it but it when we have the same conversation three times in the same day my patience is stretched to breaking.

Because he forgets things I ask him to talk to me about important stuff so I can remeber it too and support him (incase he forgets).

Before xmas he applied for some volunteer work and was waiting for a reply. End of Jan, I asked if he had heard anything and he checked his email. Yes, but he had forgotten to tell me. So what had he done about it? Nothing because he had forgotten... He needed to send in two references and would get on to it immediately...

Yesterday I asked if he had heard back about the "job". No, he hadn't, so he checked his email and there was the request for references - he had forgotton the whole loop - and said he would get on to it immediately. Ground hog day.

When I remind him about stuff he gets hurt that he forgot, it reminds him of his condition and he withdraws. He has this scared, glazed expression and won't reply to me, he shuts down and I have no way of knowing if he is processing and recording anything. Usually, he leaves the room and there is no point following as he won't even look at me. If I do press him he gets very agitated and says "I know" over and over again.

for some things his memory is fantastic

Spot on! For my husband this means he can remember abstract (useless) information about things he "likes". That could be the date and time of an online gaming event, the power to weight ratio of the latest sports car, or what he had for dinner.

Analysing this, it seems that if there is the merest hint of stress - something that requires him to engage with the "real world", to be productive in the public sphere, the brain disconnects and he can no longer "attend" to the incoming information.

But then he repetitively forgets his phone, keys and wallet. He forgets any list he/we draw draw up, when he sets reminders on his phone they go off and he switches them off.

I don't know....................

 

[wife of]

Worst is when the finances don't add up due to forgotten purchases.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Or unpaid bills and the service gets cut off... :(

 

[SeekingSerenity]

A stone in the bush here....

My beloved has the same problem. She always forgets things... especially conversations with me! Not so much other people, hardly ever other people, usually just me.

Is this not them dissociating? Maybe because they feel "safe" in our prescence, maybe because they know we will understand? Maybe because they just can't help it?

Using the "stickey-note" thing is a great idea as a reminder, its "non-personal" and "non-confrontational". These days I am starting to send her emails, confirming details we discussed, plans we make, things we talk about. Much like ensuring that stuff discussed at work is minuted.. Its not a nice way to live a life, but if it relieves some of the stress caused by them "forgetting", what the hell... I'll do it.

 

[ISupportHer]

It is a problem here too. Sometimes I will talk about something and I know she gets upset that she doesn't remember. So it is a slippery slope, trying not to clam up rather than upset her. I have to be cautious yet live MY life too.

One prime example. Youngest daughter was married in '08. Many things happened at that wedding. Bridesmaid's dress ripped up the seam most of the way when getting dressed and my wife had to sew it, repair it just before the wedding. The wedding venue had no real dressing area so the bridal party was at a hotel 5 minutes away. The limo was in an accident on the way to pick them up, so we had to hastily go pick them up. My Dad, a pastor, was to have had the service but passed out the day before, so we had to find a last minute stand in. During the Father Daughter dance I got a call from the alarm company that the alarm at the business was going off. She remembers NONE of this, LOL.

 

[LizardViolet]

My sweetie has a terrible memory too. I don't think he gets upset about it. I just remind him of things often, and try not to overload him with too much to remember. He does seem to remember things related to work just fine. On the other hand, it came up in conversation the other day that we had seen a particular movie together and I reminded him about the plot a couple of times, and of what he had said about it. He had no memory whatsoever of seeing the film. We saw it in the theater and I wonder if that had anything to do with it. He has never been crazy about sitting in movie theaters and recently decided that he would not do it anymore.

 

[Tinyflame]

I find the worst times are stress, as ISH said when upset, fear, exhaustion, and I think I'm starting to realize some dissociation.

Today I was putting a date down, and couldn't orient to what month it is now. Then, I couldn't understand how 'february' was this past week- ? :rolleyes: :(

 

[Pale Warrior]

Yes Junebug, spot on!

I can see it in my husband, stress = no memory.

He gets caught in a loop sometimes - because he knows he forgets stuff he stresses about it and forgets what he knew was important to remeber. Then he gets stressed when I remind him he forgot.