Shadow Shifter
New Here
This is my first attempt at reaching out. I live on the Central Coast of CA and there aren't many resources for PTSD around here unless you're a war hero or an abused child. God bless both categories but I'm neither.
I had a perverted teacher when I was a kid; he got arrested & fired for what he did to many kids including me. 10 years later, I was raped in my college dorm room 3 weeks after moving to campus. 10 or so years later, my husband got increasingly unstable & violent and ultimately, after many years of marriage, was removed from our home by the SWAT team after threatening to kill me and our young children. He threatened to kill me at least 2 dozen times before and I thought he just needed help. The first time he threatened my kids was the last time. I got a restraining order and divorced him. If I told you the whole story of everything he did to me during his worst 3-4 years, you wouldn't believe I was for real. For real.
My relationships don't last. I eradicate my problems like a scatter gun. I can't trust anyone. I only trust my kids. I only feel safe when they're near me because I feel my ex won't likely harm them or harm me in front of them. But - when I'm alone - I literally have to booby-trap my house to make noise if he comes in (again) hoping I might hear him a few seconds faster than he can get to me and call 9-1-1 quicker.
I can't sleep well. If I do sleep, I still have nightmares and wake up for hours.
I'm trying to find a doctor around here to get on the right meds and need to find a trauma therapist to get over all this. I don't even know what's ahead of me for the kind of "detailed therapy work" my primary care doctor says I need.
I sound like such a downer but honestly I'm pretty upbeat out in the world. I don't feel like "why me?" There's no point in whining. I've been dealing with trauma and drama for as long as I can remember. I seriously think the last time I felt safe - like I could trust people - I was 5 years old.
I'm not sure what I'll find here but I do know I need to try to reach out - if only to get myself through this so as to be better for me and my kids.
I wish you all great happiness and peace.
I had a perverted teacher when I was a kid; he got arrested & fired for what he did to many kids including me. 10 years later, I was raped in my college dorm room 3 weeks after moving to campus. 10 or so years later, my husband got increasingly unstable & violent and ultimately, after many years of marriage, was removed from our home by the SWAT team after threatening to kill me and our young children. He threatened to kill me at least 2 dozen times before and I thought he just needed help. The first time he threatened my kids was the last time. I got a restraining order and divorced him. If I told you the whole story of everything he did to me during his worst 3-4 years, you wouldn't believe I was for real. For real.
My relationships don't last. I eradicate my problems like a scatter gun. I can't trust anyone. I only trust my kids. I only feel safe when they're near me because I feel my ex won't likely harm them or harm me in front of them. But - when I'm alone - I literally have to booby-trap my house to make noise if he comes in (again) hoping I might hear him a few seconds faster than he can get to me and call 9-1-1 quicker.
I can't sleep well. If I do sleep, I still have nightmares and wake up for hours.
I'm trying to find a doctor around here to get on the right meds and need to find a trauma therapist to get over all this. I don't even know what's ahead of me for the kind of "detailed therapy work" my primary care doctor says I need.
I sound like such a downer but honestly I'm pretty upbeat out in the world. I don't feel like "why me?" There's no point in whining. I've been dealing with trauma and drama for as long as I can remember. I seriously think the last time I felt safe - like I could trust people - I was 5 years old.
I'm not sure what I'll find here but I do know I need to try to reach out - if only to get myself through this so as to be better for me and my kids.
I wish you all great happiness and peace.
