Apathy In The Extreme

[Abbi]

My current struggle is just extreme apathy.

Background a while ago, I was hospitalized and I know I underwent a course of several ECT treatments. Now I have -0- memories for months before, during, and for several months after hospitalization, they are just not there. All in all nearly a year lost. Memory even in the short term is still more of a problem for me that it was before, or the before I recall. Since that time I have been completely different.

Before I had the typical mood swings, but I was a fighter. I ran support groups, saw friends daily, etc. Now I am flat...completely utterly flat. Nothing. Empty.

I was discharged (according to the notes I found in a coat pocket) on no medications.

[Didn't want to had to. (this is a whole other story I wont go into now-maybe one day in the dairy, which I have tried - I remain "robotic" even writing about those things till I just stopped) I am in the middle of no where, the closest civilization are military bases. I am back where I grew up, which is not good in itself. My children came here and hated it...still hate it, don't blame them so they are no longer here. Which I agree is better for them. Basically they are nearly grown, so in reality the only thing I "hung on" for are gone. Ok back on point.]

Ok, so once I had some day to day memories I figured ok this is bad, really bad. I literally hid out from the world in one room of this house. This was not the me before. I had an intake with the local mental health authority and they hooked me up with a therapist and saw the in house p-doc.

His course of meds I would not and will not take. I have been down that road before. The T, don't get me wrong not putting them down, but has -0- experience with trauma. There are some around well within an hour that do have trauma experience but I am not a veteran so I cannot access them. I have gone monthly to see the T I was referred to, they find me difficult. I keep being asked the same "person centered" questions. I talk about apathy, symptoms, sleep, nightmares. She wants to know, well did you take a walk this past week.

By the way, she fully admits she doesn't do a lot of CBT and offered me a referral for EMDR. Heretofore,EMDR I was always told was HIGHLY contraindicated for me. If I question things, I am told I am being resistant. She looked at me like I had 3 heads when i asked what her modality was for trauma therapy. Am I being resistant? My gut tells me no, that to accept this is just to remain stuck and throw out the window all I learned before.

I have gone so far as to email my primary therapist at the treatment center I was in several years ago. We have conversed back and forth "unofficially", she said at the time her fears for me were lack of appropriate resources once I left. My money has run out so no more "private centers" for me. I have spent a fortune on "treatment" and it is gone. GONE. Her best option for me was a program that is a 3 hour drive away, IF traffic isn't bad. 1. don't have the money to travel back and forth as often as they would want me to 2. cant move again. 3. how in the heck would I pay for it. Last she told me was to keep "fighting" for what I knew was the right next step. I have no fight in me.

I have small small glimmers of emotions. Usually anger or sarcasm. Cognitively I know the path I need to take, I just feel stuck in my circumstances.

I feel like if I could break out of this apathy and feel again I could get some of the "old fire" that has usually been the catalyst for me. I have a good set of self-soothing tools. I stay fairly present with grounding, although I know I am losing more time that I had before, I think, it maybe memory. Just not sure. I don't feel any emotion with any strength. Yes overall I am sad, anxious etc. But its background...I cant describe it. Only thing I know to say is its like a 3 ton apathy rock directly on top of me.

I had come a long way, now I feel as if I am in a deeper hole than I have ever been. Profession gone, house gone, all support gone.Only real person I have contact with is my Ex, he still calls, sends mail etc...which I don't deal with him well (understatement of the century). I know from outside sources some of what was going on before the hospital and yet again, in my mind, centered on him. Sorry this was so long and confusing I am sure.

If the ECT was gonna screw with my memory so much, why not wipe out all of it? (sarcasm again)

Honestly not looking sympathy, would not feel it anyway. Any practical suggestions? What now?

 

[Adrienne12]

Abbi,

This is sad to read. I am not trying to give you sympathy. I know that isn't what you want. I would hug you if I could. After my father attempted suicide....he had a total of 16 ECT treatments. I watched him go from sad and crying to no emotion at all. I guess they assumed making him a zombie was the lesser of two evils.

He also has experienced memory loss and long term affects. He has problems dressing himself and barely talks. This was a man who worked his entire life, raised a family, was always joking and had a ton of friends. I truly believe if it wasn't for the ECT....he might have come back from the depression. I am not a big fan of ECT as a form of treatment for any mental disorder.

You spent your life as well as your savings on getting yourself well. You have come to a standstill. The options presented to you are not the best. I can't say that you are being resistant when it would be such a strain on you to go back and forth. You already said that moving again would be out of the question for you. Financial issues are coming into play as well. This is a difficult situation. I would love to give you some sort of magical, practical solution that you are looking for.....I just am not equipped to do so.

You are here. So...You can't tell me all the fire is gone, Abbi. You are here still fighting. I hope that you continue to stay on here and fight with the rest of us.

 

[Cheshire]

You are here. So...You can't tell me all the fire is gone, Abbi. You are here still fighting. I hope that you continue to stay on here and fight with the rest of us.

Absolutely. Just the fact that you are here, the fact that you could write this post in the first place, should prove to you that there is something left in there, that that spark is still there, no matter how small and unrecognisable it may seem. And as long as you can keep yourself logging in here, responding to other people's posts, and writing your own, that spark is being kept alive.

The only suggestion I really have is to keep writing. You do it well. It doesn't matter what you write about or how long it is, just write. Write a description of the room you're sitting in, write a letter, anything. After a while you might start to notice small pieces of emotions in your writing, and when you do, that's something to hold on to, too, and to work forwards from.

 

[Reclusive]

I remember apathy as the worst symptom I've ever had. It scared the hell out of me, so I completely sympathize with you. For me, the solution was meds, but it doesn't sound like that's going to do it for you. Maybe try to engage in some activities that make you feel human - that can reconnect the mind to the emotion to the body. Moving meditation, music, reading... something that gets things firing at the same time. And keep coming here - we know you're in there just waiting to come out.

 

[ronin47]

That just turns my stomach, to think that someone took a year of your life away with that ECT and numbed you of your emotions. The fact that those who were charged with your well being resorted to that without even offering something like medication, that's just sick and wrong.

Try to create some structure for your day to day life. When I went through a patch where I felt like my life wasn't going to go anywhere, I created a routine that gave me something to, in a lack of terms, look forward to and anticipate. If you give yourself a to-do list each list it will hopefully give you a sense of purpose. In addition, set goals for yourself. Just little ones at first, like making a painting or sewing a new dress for yourself. Try volunteer work, that definately gives my life a sense of purpose and meaning. It's something that I look forward to. It's a new experience every time.

You are a valuable human who has something to give to this world, and this world needs all the help it can get.