Other Aphasia/dysgraphia

[Fadeaway]

I have been meaning to make this post for over a year and I just can't put it off anymore. Today is the anniversary of the day I believe my problems started.

You wouldn't know it now, but I used to have a gift for grammar. I taught myself to read as a toddler using circular advertisements and children's t.v. like sesame street. The only thing my family ever said positive about me was bragging about they day when I was 2 years old and shocked them that I could read.

This got me accepted into a private pre/school. That came with it's own nightmare story, but the good parts were the memories of winning reading, writing and even a state poetry competition. It ended in the 4th grade as a result of poor self esteem getting in the way.

In Jr. High I wanted to be a journalist and was on the media team for the school news and yearbook. That changed though when my grandmother ripped up my final copy for an article I had written for the front page. She told me it would embarrass her too much for anyone to read such garbage.

I never went to high school but in my 20's I rekindled that dream and went to college in hopes of majoring in English. On the placement exam I tested well above the classes available but they still require you to take certain mandatory classes. I was in and out of school due to trauma and D.V. but I always found my way back.

Tomorrow it will be 6 years ago in an literature class I received a note from one of my professors telling me that I was an excellent writer and he hoped to see me in print one day. This was the best birthday present I could have dreamed of. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of being so excited that I showed it to my grandmother. I didn't expect her to remember my birthday, she didn't believe in such things. I didn't expect to be torn down worse than she had ever torn me down before.

I don't know why, but I lost my ability to write that day. I forgot how to spell words. I would struggle with with an inability to figure out how to shorten a run on sentence. Grammar rules that I knew I knew were all of the sudden lost on me.

Around the same time people started pointing out that I developed a stutter almost over night. Ever since then I have struggle with constantly being shocked by how people misinterpret what I am trying to say. If it was just one or two people, fine, but this is every where I go.

I am pretty sure it is psychological. I go to sites online to study spelling and grammar, I just don't retain the info.

I know people have noticed my horrible grammar here, so I figured I would share what I know about it. Self editing doesn't help because I don't notice errors until at least a day later.

 

[Engineer]

I have been meaning to make this post for over a year and I just can't put it off anymore. Today is th...

I'm sorry to hear that. But, sometimes the people in our lives hurt not help us. My mom finds me weak to let bullying keep bothering as do many other people who I tell.
When the bullying started my music was my coping mechanism but, because of self-esteem issues I struggle to perform my music. All because of my biggest trigger: Crowds.
At the end of the day we must be stronger than their words and our struggles. To learn to welcome things that brought us joy back into our lives therefore getting one step closer to the easy times we used to have. It's like finding yourself all over again.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug: (((Fadeaway))):hug:
I am SO SORRY that this happened to you! I think the same thing would have had that same affect on me!

How cruel it was to knock you down when you were completely elated about an accomplishment! I suspect that your grandmother was cruel to you in other ways, and possibly others in your family didn't treat you well either?

You mentioned low self-esteem in 4th grade, that came from somewhere. Whether or not it was your mother or father's mother doesn't really matter, because her "imprint" on your family had a negative effect on you. Being in the private school sounds like it had some negative effects also.

From what you say, the atmosphere at home was not an emotional or psychological healthy place, so you probably didn't get loving acceptance, or praise when it was due. You may have learned that being quiet and "invisible" was the safest behavior.

When I had my two year mental breakdown, I lost the ability to multi task, answer a telephone switchboard, and most of the time, can't absorb information from reading or listening. Following written instructions is a joke, as is ANY kind of Math. I can't retain numbers, at all, and can't count on remembering conversations, either.

My tongue gets twisted, so I end up saying words that aren't words at all. I stuttered somewhat as a kid also. I have never been able to return to work, though I did try.

When we are not encouraged, or praised for good work, how the heck could we possibly have confidence?

I do think that your problems are a psychological response, because the moment you know that you have to say or write something, it "flashes" you back to the shame and pain of being ridiculed when you thought you had done REALLY WELL. Your brain "freezes", just like it did when your grandmother attacked your ability and accomplishments! Suddenly, in your psyche, you are back in those horrible moments.

The thing IS, that you DID do REALLY WELL, and you ARE talented, but you were "shot down", and that created a HUGE
LITERAL mental block! I believe that the talent still lies inside you, waiting for a time when you can believe in yourself again!

My suggestion would be to write, and write, and write...in your diary here if you have one. You won't be graded or judged so confidence wouldn't be necessary. It's YOUR place to write, and it would be a GREAT exercise for you. It just might lead you to where the writing, and even speaking might smooth out. It can't hurt.:hug:

Here's a thought... I have heard that people who stutter, don't stutter when they sing. This will sound silly, but you could "practice" speaking by singing a book, or a magazine article. (Doing this in private might be best, so people won't look at you funny) BTW...I should have gone to bed several hours ago, so I claim temporary insanity, and I am pretty much a "certified nut case."

I can guarantee you will laugh at yourself, and THAT is actually healthy!

Please don't think I am not taking you seriously! I DO UNDERSTAND how painful it is to show, or tell someone about an accomplishment and have your happiness and pride shot down, then used to ridicule you.

Blessings to you, and BRAVO for sharing this difficult part of your life!

AKJ

 

[Netsy]

Hi there - I just wanted to say to you that you must remember to YOUR HEART, YOUR SOUL, YOUR BEING !, that NO-ONE can ever steal your EDUCATION from you. You were born with a GIFT, and it is to be used FOR YOU, FOR EVERYONE OUT THERE who may need you to show them that they are no invisible. Remember that NOONE can take your freedom of expression, your love of writing. This is yours to keep, your gift, and it belongs to you. Stutter is giving to people who are incredibly clever. Did you know that?.... its True!... Like dyslexic people are truly gifted with many things that 'normal' people arent?... A blind person can walk the walk by clicking his tongue to find vibrations against objects, and a dolphin communicates by clicking too. I am loving giving you some confidence as I have very little of it, so know how hard it can be, but please dont ever give up, because nasty people can take our happiness away by telling us we are stupid and kick us out onto the streets, but they CANNOT TAKE AWAY OUR EDUCATION, thats the Gold in our lives which we will always have close to our hearts. Be strong to yourself, no matter what, you are a Coper and a survivor so far, and you can help other people by writing your story down. Blessings to you and I hope you find your dream is yours and only yours :tup:

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Fadeaway I've never noticed any errors, and don't look for them either. I find you quite effective in what you are trying to convey. You don't come off (to me) as struggling at all with grammar or anything.

Your grandmother was a jealous person. She was envious of your talent, and succeed in knocking you down. It's still not too late to prove her wrong. If you still have those dreams, them go for them. Prove her wrong, be proud of yourself, and your accomplishments......

 

[Fadeaway]

My grandmother raised me but not out of a desire to do so. The way she sees it, she was forced into it. I want to say more but I amsupposed to be walking out the door right now..supposed to being the key word.

 

[hodge]

Fade, I was a professional writer and editor for 20 years and I am telling you I have never seen you write anything that wasn't perfectly cogent and well-expressed, even when you were in panic mode. I wish some of the writers I worked with wrote as well as you.

 

[Gorkysz13]

I have been meaning to make this post for over a year and I just can't put it off anymore. Today is th...

You went into a state of shock after your grandmother hurt you. I've dealt with this myself in a myriad of waya. It's the effect of un-dealt with affect of an experience. I've lost my ability to think, speak, have my own thoughts after traumatic events - and my abuser convinced me I was permanently daft - and treated me terribly for it. I've been finding out that I actually not permanently broken, it was just the events which made me FEEL I was permanently broken.


and I'm sure it was the same for you.

 

[Muttly]

Treading a bit carefully here. I am tired and distracted and really dont want to trample on your feelings. I do have aphasia and dysgraphia along with a certain degree of dyslexia and other learning/processing issues. I have been that way all my life. I am not saying you don't struggle with processing. PTSD and trauma definitely effect that. However, I suspect that putting labels like aphasia and dysgraphia is a dangerous thing to do to yourself. I am not anti-label. Labels can be incredibly helpful and they convey information. If you need to describe your troubles writing, saying it's like dysgraphia makes sense. Saying that you used to be a good student and that you lost all your ability to write, and using labels like dysgraphia and aphasia creates a self-fulfilling prophesy. You are the one noticing your errors. You are the one focusing on your flaws, because of the lack of support and harshness you were treated.

First of all, assuming you had those issues, there are ways to get around them and succeed. I have been told I am a good writer. I have published a few pieces, albeit in periodicals with limited circulation. I have graduated from university. Google famous authors who suffer from learning disabilities. The top author with dysgraphia that comes to my mind, is Agatha Christie.

Armed with that knowledge, try to find a way to cast off the hurt, fear, and shame that your Grandmother's treatment caused you and start looking for your successes. Instead of going to websites to google grammar rules, reread that note your professor gave you over and over again. I still have a paper from a high school English class, where my teacher wrote me a great note.

- As a side bar, if you can't remember rules of grammar, celebrate. You live in the age of technology. In writing this post, I just checked my grammar to make sure English was capitalized. Same with most spelling issues, yay for spellcheck. I have it set on every device I use. Have issues with Aphasia? Congratulations, you have the opportunity to become splendidly creative and build a diverse vocabulary. I have no doubts, that's happened for me, as I use alternative words and phrases when I'm blocked for the word I really want.

Your biggest challenge ahead isn't to deal with your perceived limitations, it's to change your perception of the skills you already have. They didn't disappear and you can find them again.