Apology Or Passive Aggression?

[Sideways]

So the situation is that I sent my sister an email explaining that I was hurt by the way she'd been treating me. This has been years in the making. She's 35, her current diagnosis is depression, BPD and possible schizoaffective.

My 2 examples, so that I was being specific and it wasn't a broad and nondescript "you've been a bitch" were: ignoring an email I sent her offering to drive her into the hospital to visit my grandad (I asked her to let me know if she wanted a lift, she went in on her own and left me wondering), and the way she'd behaved towards me at a recent family lunch (where my mum commented to me about my sister's bad behaviour towards me). I said that it was hurtful, and I would appreciate it if we could at least remain civil towards each other when we cross paths at family events.

She just called me about the email, seeming shocked that I was upset. When I explained it to her again, she said that she was sorry. She repeated that she was sorry "to eternity".

And then... I got the old "but we've all got our problems" and the "you aren't always nice to me" and "the way you treat dad..."...

Is that a genuine apology? Or has she basically just thrown the passive aggression at me, like "I'm sorry, but but but, you you you, 'we all', etc etc"...??

 

[BlueOrange]

Hey there :)

I think it's hard to tell. She phoned you after reading the email, so it seems likely that she does value the relationship. The words "I'm sorry" do not (in my view) constitute a reason for you to believe that things will be different in future. When you pushed harder, she deflected and redirected.

So I think what she's saying is "I'm unhappy that you don't like what happened, but I'm not going to change." So I guess it's your decision about what to do next, now.

 

[Fadeaway]

I don't think it was passive aggressive. I do think she might have felt defensive though.

 

[Sideways]

@BlueOrange - heya stranger!

She's not going to change, not this decade anyway. She was talking over me and cutting me off when I tried to answer her. She denied realising that her behaviour had been off, then when I pointed out it wasn't just me that noticed, she changed her pitch to this line about me not treating my dad right...sigh!

She's a bright girl, and textbook bpd, so even though she's just being the same old her, she still leaves me second-guessing myself and wanting to apologise for being the bitch!

I think you're right - she's probably 'sorry' that I'm changing the way I deal with her, but whether she's actually sorry for treating me like shite? No idea.

 

[Sideways]

@Fadeaway - yeah, I'd be defensive too if someone challenged my behaviour that directly. It's new for me setting boundaries, and I keep thinking I must be the horrible person, but I can't tell if that's because I am, or because that's how we've always played it out in the past, where I back down in a flurry of apologies.

Setting boundaries is sposed to be good for me, but I feel like a monster. I don't want to hurt her, I just want her to quit treating me like shit when we cross paths.

 

[digger]

Doesn't sound particularly passive aggressive to me...

she was sorry "to eternity".

...although a tad overdramatic maybe ;)

I'm not sure I'd call it a heartfelt apology either. Obviously I can only go off what you've shared here, and could be way of the mark, but it sounds more to me like she feels there are difficulties on both sides in the ways you maybe communicate and react with each other, so more of a 'we've both got issues that are going to rub each other up the wrong way sometimes'?

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Ragdoll Circus I believe that when someone apologizes and then throws in a "BUT" in the next sentence, they have just negated the "I'm sorry."

 

[Sideways]

we've both got issues that are going to rub each other up the wrong way sometimes'?

Yeah, and I actually think that's reasonable because there's been an unhealthy dynamic with us our whole life.

It just struck me that when I apologise to her, it's just straight up, "I'm really sorry," - it doesn't have all the 'but's and counter-accusations attached. She was ostensibly apologising for treating me like rubbish, and I guess I just wish that it had been just that. I'm trying to basically step out of her life because it's become too awful, but I'm not under any delusions that I'm the perfect sister, and I wasn't trying to suggest that to her.

 

[Sideways]

@She Cat - yeah. That's the issue for me. The 'but's might be completely reasonable (they weren't, but even if they were!) it kinda waters down the apology a fair bit.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Ragdoll Circus I think that there are legitimate times that a "But" is acceptable, but, (lol) when they go on and on how they were hurt, or you did this, then the BUT becomes very clear, and apology is negated. JMO?

 

[Gs172003]

Anytime I call my sister out on ANYTHING she calls me a bully and stops speaking to me. Then days later she'll pretend like nothing happened. On rare occasion she might admit she could have done something different but NEVER an apology. I'm getting to the "im done" point.

I hope you and your sister aren't this way. I really do. I hope the two of you can work stuff out and be OK.

 

[Sideways]

@She Cat - it's always been me doing the apologising, and I'm usually too afraid by that point that she's going to thump me to start accusing her of stuff. Part of me thinks, well geez, you got a damn apology, be satisfied and move on!" But then, if I end up being the bad guy at the end of the apology...who am I kidding!? So part of my head is like, Ragdoll, that's just new lyrics to the same tune, you're still the bitch in the equation...

And then I think, what the hell would I know about apologies? I just plain grovel. Normal respectful apologies, especially coming my way, are a bit of an alien concept. I think I'm going to be able to find plenty of ways to turn this against myself and use it as a brand new self-loathing baseball bat to hit myself with!