Apparently I've Reached An Impasse...

[barefoot]

@watundah
Yes, I know - I can see the irony in what I've said to you before and what I'm now thinking for myself! Just feeling so tired, lost and confused.
Thanks for your support.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

That's where all the resistance is. I think it's partly resisting that sense of being made wrong in itself.

And that's exactly what you can say to your therapist (or write it in a note for her). I have HUGE issues with this. I couldn't get anywhere with CBT or DBT types of therapy for the longest time because from my viewpoint the exercises were designed to change the way I think because my thinking is wrong. There's been a little (itty bitty) shift in that for me in the last 4 months, but it's still hard. I can't be wrong even if logically I can see a better way to look at things. Wrong just wasn't safe and still isn't. It sounds like a very good place to start a possibly very good conversation with your therapist.

 

[barefoot]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve Yes, maybe I should go next week and this is what I should say. I didn't realise until now that this matters to me so much. I don't even understand why it matters so much. But I'm feeling such strong panic and fear right now around the idea that someone/this process is going to take away my truth.

 

[Rosewater]

I think this thread is making me realise that that's the thing that's rattling me...the feeling that she's right and I've got it wrong....that I've been thinking the wrong thing all this time and that I have to start believing something else. That's where all the resistance is. I think it's partly resisting that sense of being made wrong in itself. And partly it's that I want to cling to my belief because that feels like my truth. My belief clearly isn't serving me that well at the moment. But it still feels safer than changing my mind.
Does that make any sense at all?

It makes perfect sense.

When we feel danger we want to cling to what's safe. This condition makes us feel danger everywhere, especially in ourselves.

It was only a few weeks ago I had to confront the possibility that everything I had believed about how to manage my personal life and career was wrong. It felt terrible. I felt so guilty and ashamed of the impact on my family, and myself, caused by beliefs I assumed were right. I thought it was all my fault & that I was responsible for a lot of unnecessary misery.

But it turned out that, just by letting myself think that I had got 30 years of my life wrong, I found I could see how some things were really horrible mistakes and some things were actually good. I'm still trying to figure it out - but it doesn't feel terrible any more. It's in the past & now it's a relief to know I don't have to choose to put myself in those situations again. I can try to figure out ways of living that are better for me any those around me.

What I'm trying to say is - you don't have to feel you're being forced to change your beliefs. Your therapist is probably trying to get you to look at them another way, so you can see what they really mean in your life. The only person who can decide that you need to do anything differently from now - or when you think you'd like to try it - is you. Don't be hard on yourself, take it as gently as you feel you need to.

Hope this helps a little.

 

[scout86]

.that I've been thinking the wrong thing all this time and that I have to start believing something else.

Has she actually used the word "wrong"? How about substituting "better" for "right"? None of this is really about "right and wrong" although it can be presented that way or taken that way. I think what it's REALLY about is learning, improving, and finding better ways to doing and thinking about things.

Another thing my T says, a lot, is that we all have our own "road maps of reality". They are all different. Some are more up to date and accurate than others and we owe it to ourselves to operate with the most up to date, accurate road map that's available. So, maybe you start out with a map of Europe that just shows the country borders. Then, tomorrow, you get one that shows where the cities are. If you want to find Paris, would you not start using the new map? And then, maybe you find one with rivers, or elevations, or other cool stuff. Would you not replace the old map with the new one, because it has better information? That doesn't mean the old map was WRONG, just that the new one is better and more useful. Or, how about if you started with a map that was drawn in 1923? And then you got one from 1970? The borders would maybe be more accurate, but still not as accurate as a map done with the information that was current yesterday. If you want to find your way around in the present, wouldn't it make sense to find the most accurate, up to date map that you can?

The other thing to remember is that none of these are actually "reality" they are just maps. More or less accurate and useful.

As far as stuff being "bad enough" or not..... Do you have problems you want to work on? If you do, what ever led up to the problems was "bad enough" to get you where you are today. Doesn't matter what it was, what anyone wanted to call it. You don't have to earn the right to work on making yourself the best version of yourself you can possibly be. You can just do that because you want to.

 

[scout86]

I almost forgot, an impasse isn't something you can't get past. It's something you haven't found a way past YET.

 

[barefoot]

Has she actually used the word "wrong"?

No, she would never say that. Hence I know I'm being childish and snarky for using it myself ;-)

If you want to find your way around in the present, wouldn't it make sense to find the most accurate, up to date map that you can?

I like the maps analogy and think I can think on that a bit more and try to apply it to what's going on with me now...thank you.

 

[barefoot]

Thank you @Rosewater - I find your comments soothing, which is what I think I need at the moment to curb the rising fear and panic!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

How about substituting "better" for "right"? None of this is really about "right and wrong" although it can be presented that way or taken that way. I think what it's REALLY about is learning, improving, and finding better ways to doing and thinking about things.

This is exactly what I am finally understanding logically. Working slowly on bringing it into my reality. You have such great responses on here, @scout86 .

 

[barefoot]

A bit of an update...

So, I didn't reply to my therapist when she emailed to say that she thought it was important that I come to my next session. I didn't know what to say and just panicked whenever I tried to think about what to do.

In the end, she emailed me again on Thursday evening asking me to confirm ASAP if I was going to attend. So then I said I still didn't feel that I wanted to but I could understand why she thought it was important so, yes, I would be there.

Have thought about it so much over the last week....have worried, stewed, tried to imagine the conversation, panicked, changed my mind about going countless times, felt angry with her, felt angry with myself, felt nervous about seeing her, felt desperate to see her etc etc. It's felt pretty all-encompassing and it's been exhausting (not helped by the fact that my sleep is terrible at the moment)

Appointment this afternoon - was feeling nervous but psyched up for it...had a few things in mind that I really wanted to discuss with her.
Then I got an email from her cancelling our session because she's ill.

Ugh! Not angry with her for cancelling - illness happens and she's not one to cancel at the drop of a hat so I think she must be feeling really unwell. I was just so psyched up to do it and now just seem to have a load of anxious energy pumping around that I don't know what to do with. And I know it's now going to be another week before I see her again (assuming she's feeling better then) and that seems ages to wait because my head feels like it's about to explode with it all right now.

The irony...I didn't want to go and now I'm not going....and now all I want to do is go...!

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Gosh! I know how you feel, I don't like when therapists cancel on me, I'm sorry she is ill, and sorry you have to hold it all in for even longer, but I'm happy to know that you are going to go and tell her everything you need to. Hugs

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @Cj77

Yeah....I just don't know how I'm going to hold it all in and get through another week...and I think that probably sounds really dramatic and I don't mean it to. Just feels like I'm right on the edge.

I've just burst in to tears. FFS!!!