Apparently I've Reached An Impasse...

[Tinyflame]

I think @scout said somewhere along the lines if stuff meant nothing or had no impact or fear or history or pain etc attached to it it would be easy to talk about. (Sorry if that doesn't do justice to your words @scout. :notworthy: :hug: )

 

[barefoot]

When we talked yesterday about reaching an impasse until I change my belief about what happened, she said that perhaps we'll never be on the same page about it and that was ok, so perhaps we should just park it (or even leave it forever) and work on here and now stuff (managing anxiety, night terrors etc).

But that feels frustrating because I thought the point was to work on the old stuff to process it and clear it out a bit. That's why I thought I was there.

Re the denial about what happened when I was younger...I'm not saying what happened was fine. I just think, for me, it doesn't seem "bad enough" for it to have caused the symptoms I have. So, that makes me feel pathetic for having the symptoms I have. Because I don't think I should feel so bothered, symptom-wise. So I think she now thinks we can't do anything on it. Whereas I'm thinking I should talk about it more (we hardly ever talk about it - a deeper level exploration of it is what I've thought the whole process has been leading to, now that I'm not dissociating so much). I think I just want to feel that we can talk about it but there's no pressure on me to think any particular way about it. And I don't think she's putting that pressure on me about that - she would never say that what I thought was wrong or that I had to start thinking X instead. I think I'm putting pressure on myself about it. But I don't know why I am when I don't want that pressure?! Ugh! I think this is partly what needs to go in my email to her!

 

[Sandstone]

I'm not saying what happened was fine. I just think, for me, it doesn't seem "bad enough" for it to have caused the symptoms I have. So, that makes me feel pathetic for having the symptoms I have. Because I don't think I should feel so bothered, symptom-wise. So I think she now thinks we can't do anything on it.

I have the same view as you - none of it can possibly be bad enough - and I can't see any way simply to think something else. My T has said she'd be happy if I could accept that there is the possibility that one day I might think slightly differently

 

[scout86]

That does sound like something that would be useful to communicate.

I don't know why you're putting that kind of pressure on yourself. I tend to do it because I've been "trained" to seek out and meet other people's expectations. Even when I don't agree with them. So I guess about what "other people think" and go with that as being "right" even when that means denying my own feelings.

it doesn't seem "bad enough" for it to have caused the symptoms I have.

Then what HAS caused the symptoms, do you think? Or, do you think (or have you been told) that it "wasn't bad enough" and you're making the symptoms up, or exaggerating them, in a search for attention or something? I don't really think that's it. I think that, what ever they are, the symptoms are real and you somehow earned the right to have them. Actually, I'd be surprised if the people in this world who exaggerate ever worry about whether or not that's what they're doing,

So I think she now thinks we can't do anything on it.

She might think that. She also might think that the 2 of you need to work on you accepting the legitimacy of your symptoms BEFORE is makes sense to confront them directly. There are a lot of ways to do stuff. I rarely talk about ancient history with my T. He's more interested in how things are working now. When something isn't working as well as it might, then there's reason to wonder about the reasons and some of that is how I've interpreted and incorporated past events. We can talk about the events, or not. As time has gone on and I get to know him better and trust him some, it gets to be easier to do that. I hope your T really isn't seeing this as an impasse. It's an obstacle in the road, but there are lots of ways to deal with obstacles, other than giving up.

 

[barefoot]

Another update!

So, I emailed my therapist this afternoon...a very long message...

I explained a lot of stuff that I've been unable to actually say when I'm in the room with her - including some of the things I've posted about on this thread. And I said I'd decided to continue with therapy.

She phoned me this evening and was lovely, reassuring, supportive, encouraging, understanding, pleased that I'd sent her the email. She said it was an insightful, courageous and poignant and that she's going to think on a few of the things I raised so that we can talk about them more on Monday.

I feel relieved to have been able to express some of the things that are really important for me but that have just ended up feeling stuck inside me. And I also feel relieved that I didn't feel hostile towards her on the call - I felt very warm towards her (in a way that didn't freak me out) and talking to her was very easy and comfortable.

Our chat has also given me real hope that we can mix things up a little bit and try to find new ways to work and different ways to help me express myself in sessions. She encouraged me to email her more if I want to, which feels like it will be useful. So I'm starting to feel that there is still a point and that there are things we can try together to find a way around "the impasse".

I'm definitely not out of the woods yet but tonight I feel a sense of relief and a hope that I haven't felt for sometime. The last few weeks have been really tough and the support I've had from the board has meant a lot and really made a difference - and helped a lot with writing that email to my therapist today. So thanks to everyone who posted on this thread - I really needed it so thank you for the support, insights, challenges, new perspectives, questions and sharing of experiences.

 

[Rosewater]

That's great work.

Hope is good :)

 

[watundah]

Wow, that's excellent. I find writing so much easier than talking. Time to word pick, no pressure. Nice work! Keep trudging. (And you do have a kick ass therapist)

 

[scout86]

:) :tup:

 

[barefoot]

@watundah - yes...hopefully I can ride the crest of this wave for at least a little while and not just revert to being panicky/shutdown/glarey when I'm actually in the room with her.

I have said to her before that if we could do therapy by text or email, I think I'd be really good at it! ;-)

 

[watundah]

HA! Yes!

 

[Gadgie]

Quote......."I have said to her before that if we could do therapy by text or email, I think I'd be really good at it"

I've often wondered about being able to have therapy via face time., I think it could be possible, mainly because since I've got back in touch with my sister, we have face timed every night.

I always feel better afterwards, and look forward to it. In fact, build my early evening round them, as I always make sure that I've eaten, and washed up before she calls.

So, do you think it could be possible to interact with your therapist in that way?

 

[ButterflyBean]

I have said to her before then if we could do therapy by text or email, I think I'd be really good at it.

If you think that would make the process easier, maybe you should explore online therapy? I use a service called Talkspace in between my face-to-face sessions, which helps keep my anxiety in check. They are all licensed therapists who specialize in different things. The service is not free of course, but you get unlimited video, audio, or text messaging. 24/7 access to your therapist. I schedule regular chats multiple times a week when I know she is working, so it is kind of like instant messaging. Just a thought as either a supplement to your current therapy, or a new, better approach. The website is www.talkspace.com and is very afordable in my opinion. Whatever you decide, I hope your next session goes well!