Appearances

[anthony]

I will tell you both now, @Tswevnz and @Solara that asking for a type of reply has nothing to do with what opinion a member gives you. There is nothing in the rules about such, other than to respect opinions and ensure you do not directly attack without ambiguity.

 

[Notsowild]

I totally understand this. I'm 5 feet 10 inches with red hair. I can't walk in a room without everyone staring. It makes me so uncomfortable. I feel like a freak cause I look so much different than everyone else.

When I was younger I would have men after me all the time. But I was just a conquest they did not want me as a girlfriend. "Psst have you slept with the redhead". Coming from a sexual abuse childhood made me think that's all I was good for.

It's tough out there Solara. Dating is so scary and (sorry men) they don't get much better as they age. That's why it is so much easier to stay single.

Oh by the way Solara... I've always like your "straight to the point" honest replies:cool:

 

[anthony]

Oh by the way Solara... I've always like your "straight to the point" honest replies:cool:

Yup... I encourage people for it. Honesty cuts through all the BS.

 

[Tswevnz]

I can't quite see how saying "start with the inside" is stepping away from this topic?

Perhaps calling you on your double standard was wrong and I'm sorry you felt the need of retaliating with such an angry reply and that I upset you. I don't think one should have to ask for a careful reply on a forum like this - it goes without saying- and I called you out on it. Perhaps in the wrong way - so again sorry - let's get back to the topic.

What I meant with my comment was this - we sometimes identify ourself to much with our outside and how we think it's reflected by others. We get to obsessed or to blasé about it.

It's our energy that attracts or repels people. I've met many attractive people in my life - but they had the personality of a doorknob and thus attracted equally exciting peers. On the other hand I've met many amazing people in all shapes and forms , fat , skinny , short hair , long hair.... No hair at all, ugly , pretty - you name it. They could LIGHT up a room. People would follow them with stargaze in their eyes because they possessed personalities that would lift anybodies spirit.

I've always fallen I love with what we would say "commercially looking" boys. The smile, the hair, their entire successful persona with good education and attractive careers. But it never works, vanity and self centred personalities that goes hand in hand with that type just isn't very interesting. But then I met a poor, uneducated & to others perhaps not physically attractive man. I swear when I looked at him in the beginning - he was the most beautiful person iv met! Amazingly kind & on the inside beautiful person. Ha - guess that what you call rose tinted glasses.

So as much as we try and hide (or cheer ourself up by looking the nicest we can be) behind makeup and fancy clothes and what we perceive the right weight for our body, it still seems to come down to none of that when it really matters and you meet someone that appreciates you for who you are.

Whether you cut your hair or not (whatever makes you feel the most relaxed with, I know it's a pain to wait for hair to grow out) and no matter how you dress ( or dress down) people will be attracted to you depending on what energy you are radiating at the time. And if they can't see beyond your pretty looks anyway - then personally I don't think they will have much to offer you.

 

[greenleaf]

@Solara, have you ever taken a self-defense class where they talk about body language? I think that one can learn to project attitude to some extent (even if you're not sure you really feel self-confidence, for instance, strongly imagining that you do and being an actor seems pretty comparable in effect sometimes.) Muggers, for instance, apparently often look for signs of low self-esteem in body language. (I'm not saying that all the people who notice you are dangerous!) But one can begin to learn a few things that seem, to me, to cut down on some unwanted stuff. Not all of it, and I'm definitely not saying anyone is responsible for assaultive behavior by others.

Can you also try to get an emotional impression of the attitude and body language of women around you who you don't think are being bothered so much by this? Maybe that could help you start to figure out some things that are going on with this stuff... not speaking as an expert here though...

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I've decided to take a break from the forum as I don't feel that it is the right place for me at this time, but decided that I did want to respond to everyone who was so kind to take the time to give me feedback on my post.

@Nebulustrix,
I know what it's like to just be "one of the guys". For the longest time I actually liked that place. Well, I STILL like that place because I can make friends with guys SO easily whereas I haven't been able to make a new female friend in quite a long time. I kinda like being one of the guys....well, up until they want more. And then there are the guys who think that any attention from a female means that she likes him, but with me, if I really like a guy, I can't even talk to him. It's all the friend-zone guys I get along with really well. Guys think so differently and I just don't understand it.

@Jane.l,
I know I have body language issues. I know I give off a snobbish, don't mess with me, don't talk to me sort of aura. I've been told this a number of times, and I know that it's this perceived attitude that keeps a lot of people away. I don't really smile, and I have that "I can stare right through you" sort of look about me. Well, I DO stare right through people as a protective measure. I don't know how to change it. Err, I don't think I want to change it, at least not right now, as it keeps me safe.

I know that I have a lot of sexual confusion issues. I was molested by a woman and that effed me up royally. My family has "confronted" me about being gay a number of times. But, I'm not gay. Do you know how much it hurts when you have family members who give you subtle "its ok to be ___ and we accept you" speeches when you're not? And then you want to scream in their g'damn faces "MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T PUT ME IN THE HANDS OF A CHILD MOLESTER THEN I WOULDN'T BE LIKE THIS!!!!!" But of course, I don't. It just hurts too much so you just push it under the rug and try to forget about it, because unless I go out and bang every guy in town, they'll still think I'm gay. The truth is that I keep every guy hidden from my family, every guy I ever talk to, befriend, date, whatever. Every single guy is hidden. I told them they'll meet my husband after we get back from Vegas (ie elope). They think I'm joking but I'm dead serious. I won't let any of them get their vicious claws into any of the guys I associate with on any level. I wish I knew what it was about me that screams "I'm gay".

@Echo,
Thank you, your reply literally had me in tears. The first time I read it I had to step away because it hits so close to home.

@Meadowsweet,
I hate being so darn naïve. I don't know what I don't know and it just kills me because how do you learn about thinks you have no clue about?

@Caterpillar,
Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

@Notsowild,
Sometimes I think it would be easier to be single the rest of my life. Then again, I have dreams of living all alone in the middle of nowhere so I guess that would be compatible with a single life.

@greenleaf,
No, I haven't taken a self defense class. I don't have low self esteem body language. I have icy "I can stare right through you" eyes, I rarely smile when out in public, and while I don't hold my head down, I don't make eye contact, rather look through people if you know what I mean. Guys still look. They don't approach, and they don't talk to me, but they still look. And unfortunately, the looks are enough to make me crumble inside.


Thank you all for your replies. I regret posting this thread as I'm in a bad state right now but I appreciate that so many of you took the time to write out well thought replies. I have so many feelings and thoughts surrounding "what is wrong with me?" and "why can't I fix this?" And then I am pissed because that stupid b!tch ruined my life and I effing hate her!! I can't fix this, I just can't fix this. My emotions are so out of control right now that I know a complete shutdown is coming. I've been fighting it for the last week or so but I'm losing the battle, and it's only a matter of time before my system says ENOUGH and everything just flatlines and I go completely numb. I'm already at the "I don't give an eff" about anything stage, I guess I'm just waiting for the emotions to die at this point so that I can say I'm truly in the numb stage. Actually, I'm praying for it. I don't want to feel anymore. I'm so tempted to hurt myself but won't because of how bad it was last time and how much pain I was in. I think my doctor would chastise me for not taking my as needed anxiety meds, so I think I'll take them and go to bed. I have a habit of not taking them when I really need them and then things spiral a lot more out of control before I think gee, I should take something to help. I can't stop these thoughts of pure self hate. I want them to go away for good but the best I can do is send them on mini-vacations. Ugh, enough rambling for now, goodnight.

 

[Ryn]

I'm so sorry to hear you are in such a bad way. I really hope a break from the forum is beneficial for you, and you can find the rest and peace you need. I know you have been such a blessing and a help to so many people here, including me. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

You have so much value, @Solara. You are brave, and you are worth it.

Rest well. x

 

[Jane.l]

Don't stay away too long . I really value your presence here . You always make a lot of sense and tell it straight - that's a good thing .

Take your meds and make that therapy appointment and look after yourself .

 

[cherryblossom]

I can't fix this, I just can't fix this.

You can and you will. If anyone can do it, you can. Just give yourself a break. Be kind to you and look after yourself, please.

 

[bell]

@Solara, please know that you are not alone in this. There are so many others of us out there that have these same problems. I don't know about you, but just this very fact gives me so much solace! Just a thought, do you have any particular hobbies? Because when I shut down, I find myself knitting (basically anything works as long as it gets me into the flow state); it helps me rest my tired mind that just gets spinning and spinning with thoughts like a top. It's what I come back to when I feel like my life will never be fixed and that I will always be both "crazy" and "fat" (or "ugly," depending on the day), I just focus on each row of the knitting and getting to the end of that row. Your mileage may vary, but I find that it soothes my mind in a way that little else does.

Lately I've found myself eating crap food on purpose because I am scared of getting close to anyone, even though my rational mind may understand getting close, my subconscious says "no friggin' way" and revolts. Also, I'm pretty sure my entire family thought I was gay until I told them about my PTSD and how it messes up relationships with me (dancing around the "i've had an abusive relationship" issue was pretty sh*te, especially as I never talk about being involved with anyone!). Now I think they just feel sorry for me, which is, er, slightly better... even though I've had lots of gay friends since high school, so I never understood why it was seen as a "problem" to be considered gay anyway! So, I've already decided that if I do ever get married, I'm eloping, because I just can't even think of dealing with all the related familial drama that will occur! :)

P.S. If you need a break from the forum, take the break, and take care of yourself. But, come back because your comments are always insightful and you mention things like the Jitterbug, which have made me laugh out loud. :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Still struggling with this big time, but slowly getting a bit better. I think. I've been worried less and less about my appearance because I just don't care anymore. I'm tired of making myself look good just so people will like me and then dressing down to look average like a wallflower that nobody will notice. It's extremely exhausting. I just want to be able to do what I want to do without so much concern for being liked for looking good or disliked for not looking so good. GEESH, it's a full time job in and of itself!

I am now starting to focus more on feeling good, and I'm walking/running 4 miles a day and my next step is to get my diet back under control so that I'm not overeating anymore.

I think that's all of my updates for now. Focus on me and ignore everyone else. If they get no attention, I lose no sense of safety.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go out with my mom. I made a flippant comment about how maybe I should wear my hair up cuz I get treated differently if its down and styled. She said "you never told me this!" I was like uhm, yeah..... I remember going to this same place a few years ago and my hair was down then, too. Of course I was the youngest person there as well. I thought about it, and since its a matter of a mind game coupled with paying the lowest bottom dollar, the hair will be cute and styled and I will be looking my best. It sucks that its all a mind game and half the people out there have no idea it exists. But behold the power of my long blonde hair! (Who knew it was so darn powerful!?!?!) Now I just need to lose a few pounds and I'll be ready to go! LOL. PS I'm 35 and I just discovered how my hair makes guys treat me differently. It's not like I was born with some uber knowledge of how to be a super-blonde or anything....although that might have come in handy....

So for now what I am saying is that I am going to embrace my looks, and I will not be ashamed of who I am! I still have people come up to me who knew me as a baby and say "you have such beautiful blonde hair!" Of course it's not quite so baby soft anymore, but its still quite blonde!

I guess I wanted to post simply to say that I'm in a much better place. Guys are going to look no matter what, and I have a right to appear the way I want to appear! Don't get me wrong, I always dress conservatively and don't ever flaunt anything unless I'm at the beach and well, uhm, most suits leave little to the imagination, so I'll leave it at that, although I do wear a cover up most of the time not out of modesty, rather out of fear of skin cancer which does in fact run in my very northern European family!

I'm still laughing at my mom's shock over guys treating me differently simply because I have my hair up or down! Then again, I am the fairest in the family, and the only natural blonde on both sides of the family tree unless you find a few quite distant cousins perhaps.