Rosie, I struggled with this same question. 10 years ago I tried a successive range of antidepressants with no joy --I found that I had serious to rare side effects with almost every one of them. The ones that worked without heavy side effects: one muddled my thinking too profoundly, the other made my inhibitions evaporate. I completely lost my morale compass for a while and would say what I thought or do anything I wanted. That made me popular with my boss at the time when I faced her down brutally after she came in in one of her typical screaming rages.
I went through 2 years of very intensive psychotherapy with double sessions twice a week for a year and a year of single sessions once a week after that. Many things were sorted out. I was able to be happy again. I didn't need the meds the second year, and spent 10 years after that out of therapy.
But that was 10 years ago, and my relapse has been slowly progressing. I can see the degrading psyche over the last 5 years clearly now, but I couldn't see it until I broke down completely (and at work, of all places). The drugs are infinitely better now. They're getting to the "amazing miracle" range at this point.
My husband and I had a talk in the fall about the meds. I was terrified that I'd lose my personality. That the drug would erase my already-pitifully-small creative energy. He gave me the best advice when I asked him, "What if they make me lose myself?"
He said, "What if you find out that everything becomes better when you take the drugs? It could just as easily reverse this." (by "this" he meant my incredible grief/fear that was wiping out almost every shred of my creative endeavors and leaving me in a gray existence.)
I said, "And if that were to happen, what if I couldn't ever come off of the drug? Ever."
He said, "That would be ok if you find your happiness again."
I was so afraid of starting the meds for all the reasons that most of us are. I'm on Lamictal and (now) Abilify. The Lamictal made the grief just subside. First, it was just these rolling waves of grief under the surface that I could feel, but weren't causing me to cry uncontrollably or shake or hide. Then, I noticed that I was noticeably clearer in my thinking. I could parse logic in computer programming again --something that's been very hard for a few years, but I've been faking it pretty well with routine stuff. Then I noticed this *explosion* in creative impulse. I'm writing, painting, designing again. I've got energy that I didn't know I had. The really bad night terror nightmares that hit every morning at 3:12-3:18 am (until Daylight Savings Time and then it was 2:12-2:18 am. ugh. creepy.) stopped. The bad dreams that I could barely remember stopped. My sleep improved at roughly the same time the clear thinking and creative impulses returned making me think that perhaps the chronic long-term lack of sleep was affecting me cognitively.
But I still would startle easily. And when the 'upset' did break through, it was bad bad bad. So, there is now a second medication, Abilify, added that is quelling the startle response. However, there are rare side effects on this one that are bad enough that I may ask to change to something else if we can.
The drugs may not be something you want forever. But, you may find that you find yourself again. Every person's biology is different, so there is always a trial-and-error search for the best drug mix for you.
Would I choose to take the drugs again? Yes. Absolutely. In fact, I'm not sure that I'll come off of Lamictal any time soon.
