Are Some People Just Too Damaged To Heal?

[Abi]

My spirit is broken

 

[intothelight]

Shellbell,

I really do not think that anyone is ever damaged to the point where they cannot heal to some degree. Personally, I have had a lifetime of trauma and it still hasn't quit. (At least this time it isn't something someone is doing to me, it is just life.) But I do know that I have and am experiencing healing. It isn't fast and it isn't consistent as it seems to occur in fits and starts.

Will I ever be as I "thought I should be"? No, I will be as I am where I am. I am different and am not quite the person I envisioned myself to be at this point in my life. But that doesn't mean that life is not good and that I cannot enjoy it and keep striving to make things better.

Healing is a journey and I think it is unique for each one of us. Maybe for some it is a fast strait line down an interstate; but for others it is a trip down windy country roads, with a lot of detours. :)

 

[saffy]

My spirit is broken

Hi Abi

That must make you feel awful :(

However, on a more positive note, spirits can be broken but they cannot be totally taken away. I hope we can help raise yours :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Shellbell]

If I broke down your posts, to me they say that you are trying to deal with denial, limitations, acceptance of others and self, fear of the unknown and of failure. That is a lot to deal with all at once hun. You see where I am going with this? ;)

Yes Saffy, I do see that I am trying to deal with too much all at once. Seeing you write it like this makes that clear, thank you.

And I think fear is fuelling my anxiety over this, I'm not good at dealing with the unknown, I'm someone who needs to have all the bases covered, have a plan, and carefully stick to it, but with therapy and healing it doesn't work that way.

And failure is a no go for me, it's not acceptable or okay in any way - well the old me needed to think like that, the new post PTSD needs to accept that I will fail sometimes I will stumble, go backwards etc and it's not failure. Wow, that's a tough one.

Saffy, you always have such great advice :hug:

I call this thing as looking ourselves into mirror. It's great thing that we can do this. But it's only possible with those who really love us and mean support to us. They become total transparent and we can see where we have been falling behind. Sometimes we can become weak and others make us strength.

I was afraid to derail your thread by talking about me. Thank you for clarification. I am glad that my caring and supportive attitude has reached you.

Thank you Jaret, yes - needing people is something new to me. I spent 20 years not needing anyone, or actually not having anyone in my life who cared, so was totally self reliant and independent.

Now I need people to help in my healing and that is scary. Which is stupid, because I always recognise other people need help and give my help and care and love to others easily and I'm always there for those I love and people in need.

I just don't think I deserve help as much as other people, I think that's a key issue for me.

And I'm always happy for people to talk about their experiences on my threads, as sharing our own experiences and thoughts in our own journey is how we help each other.

:hug: Jaret

Perhaps you are setting the bar too high so meeting your goals is impossible? I say this as I believe your belief that you need to forgive and feel nothing, zilch toward your abusers is a pie in the sky sort of goal that is unattainable. (Per the forgiveness thread).

Hey SOL,

I still hope to achieve that goal of letting go (I don't call it 'forgiveness' anymore - it's too confusing) of my anger and hurt regarding my abusers, but I think my biggest problem will be forgiving myself.

But yes, whether this is an unattainable goal for me is yet to be seen. It is possible for some, but not everyone and I do see that.

I think you are absolutely right though, I set the bar too high in many areas of my life, so your point is a very good one, thank you.

My spirit is broken

Abi, I understand this feeling and it hurts as you feel it will never be anything but broken, lost, gone. But it never truly leaves us.

Hugs Abi :hug:

 

[Helliepig]

I read your first post Shellbell and wanted to say "YES!!! I feel like that.. so much lately YES!!" It is scary and frightening and being that damaged makes it hard to get healing experiences..... a viscious circle.

But I guess just because you think it or feel it doesn't make it true. I guess we don't know how much healing is possible until we try....

I think that mirror thing is really really important. I think of times with genuine people that care about me and how it is like magic salve - like pouring cool yoghurt on your tongue after too many chillies. For a while the urgency and pain settles and things move into colour, things feel safe and warm. Imagine having that all the time? Or enough to hold you together through all the pain? Sometimes I think the process is so damn hard because you have to do it alone or, at least, many of us do. Love and acceptance and honesty and real connection are so important.

 

[Shellbell]

Shellbell,

I really do not think that anyone is ever damaged to the point where they cannot heal to some degree. Personally, I have had a lifetime of trauma and it still hasn't quit. (At least this time it isn't something someone is doing to me, it is just life.) But I do know that I have and am experiencing healing. It isn't fast and it isn't consistent as it seems to occur in fits and starts.

Will I ever be as I "thought I should be"? No, I will be as I am where I am. I am different and am not quite the person I envisioned myself to be at this point in my life. But that doesn't mean that life is not good and that I cannot enjoy it and keep striving to make things better.

Healing is a journey and I think it is unique

I am sorry you are still going through trauma now, I don't know what it is, but you are very strong to be going through something terrible and have such a positive attitude towards your healing.

I think I am struggling to accept how much trauma I have had in my life and I write things as facts, but am still disconnected from most of it. And then as soon as I experience any emotion, I shut down and end up numb.

It seems from what you write that you have totally accepted your trauma history and I think that's an important part of this process.

So, thank you for sharing this with me. Your advice is always very wise.

But I guess just because you think it or feel it doesn't make it true. I guess we don't know how much healing is possible until we try....

Sometimes I think the process is so damn hard because you have to do it alone or, at least, many of us do. Love and acceptance and honesty and real connection are so important.

Yes, you are right, we don't know how much healing we can get until we try, so who knows really and whatever healing we do achieve is progress and will take us to a better place and to remember it takes as much time as it takes. There are no time limits on healing.

And yes, doing it on your own is hard, and sometimes even when we have people around us helping and caring, we still feel so alone.

Love and acceptance are really important.

Thank you Helliepig.

I just had a thought as well about having unrealistic goals, that the flip side of that is that if we limit our goals or what we can achieve, then we limit our healing.

Having realistic goals for each day, or each week are really important, but I don't want to say either that I can never achieve something, as then I won't.

 

[circe47]

Shellbell-

I think about this all the time. I don't want to use the term damaged, because it sort of has a negative connotation for me. For all intents and purposes, I will use the term disabled.

I do think of my self as permanently and irrevocably disabled. With absolutely no disrespect or lack of reverence, I liken this disability to someone who has lost a limb. While a limb is a tangible human component, a spirit is an ethereal human component.....but no less a part of a person's whole.

I may not have lost a limb, but I have lost intangible parts of myself that can never be replaced. I lost my education. I lost my sense of well being and safety. I lost my mental health. I lack many life skills necessary to ensure financial security in my retirement years. I should have been learning those skills rather than fighting to stay alive in horrific environments. These things may not seem important to your average person, because they are not tangible things that can be perceived with the senses. These things I lost are no less disabling than losing a limb, because they are needed to be spiritually and intellectually whole.

So yes, in my opinion, my PTSD makes me permanently disabled.

 

[Shellbell]

I think this is something many of us think about, and it's an uncomfortable conversation, but being someone who doesn't shy away from asking or thinking about the difficult stuff, that's why I put this thread out there.

I do think about this a lot and I know if I do, then other people do. I do see how you consider it a disability and I do think it can be a lifelong illness.

I understand what you say about not learning necessary skills, and instead fighting to stay alive. And the things we didn't learn whilst fighting to stay alive are important and do affect us greatly.

It's why everyone, regardless of whether they know my history or not, have always labelled me saying I'm nice, but not normal, using phrases like 'kooky', 'quirky', 'endearing', or 'special'. Which I always hated, because I was trying so hard to be 'normal' and of course I never was and probably never will be.

 

[circe47]

Shellbell-

I get that I am "too sensitive", "whimsical", "flaky", "distractible", "argumentative" and "lazy". I had a recent conversation with my father, and he told me my inability to learn or do the things that I was supposed to do when I was a kid was because I "didn't want to." He refuses to consider that I was carrying unbearable burdens, that I didn't have a comforting and nurturing mother like he had, and therefore was unable to learn and thrive properly. My parents don't get that it is impossible for a child to focus and do what they are supposed to be doing, when surviving abuse is first and foremost. On top of all of this, I was also born two months premature, and probably already had attention problems and learning disabilities that your average child didn't.

Also being outspoken, my mother took my questioning her justifications and imbalance of affections as my being "argumentative." I always wanted to know "WHY?" She never had a good answer or was willing to give one. She never played with me, read to me, cuddled me or held me on her lap and told me pretty stories. My curious nature and sense of fairness irritated her to no end, so I was considered "argumentative."

Does this make us "special" and "endearing"? You bet....but in an awesome way. In spite of our "differences", we are strong, empathic and caring people. We also have an inherent ability to see and learn things against insurmountable odds.

 

[JustBe]

So much pain and truth in this thread. I can relate. It puts a lot of things into words that I have felt and lived but not been able to verbalize in a coherent way.

 

[Shellbell]

Hugs (((((Movin'On))))).

I knew when I posted this, it would be a thread that would be hard, but I know it's what a lot of us think and fear and I wanted to see the replies to get a different perspective and to gain some positive insight into how I and other people can change this fear and mindset.

So many good replies.

 

[Shellbell]

I get that I am "too sensitive", "whimsical", "flaky", "distractible", "argumentative" and "lazy". I had a recent conversation with my father, and he told me my inability to learn or do the things that I was supposed to do when I was a kid was because I "didn't want to." He refuses to consider that I was carrying unbearable burdens, that I didn't have a comforting and nurturing mother like he had, and therefore was unable to learn and thrive properly. My parents don't get that it is impossible for a child to focus and do what they are supposed to be doing, when surviving abuse is first and foremost. On top of all of this, I was also born two months premature, and probably already had attention problems and learning disabilities that your average child didn't.

Also being outspoken

Does this make us "special" and "endearing"? You bet....but in an awesome way. In spite of our "differences", we are strong, empathic and caring people. We also have an inherent ability to see and learn things against insurmountable odds.

Yes, I am also considered all these things too and never thought of them as being due to not learning to thrive properly. Thank you for that.

I was the black sheep of my family, the one singled out for abuse, the one my parents enabled to be talked to in any way, encouraged both my sisters to hate me and say nasty things to. And I endured it because I loved my sisters anyway and was very protective of them. I would do, and did do everything I could for them, despite that never being returned.

So, yes I agree, that overcoming these huge odds and survivng so much childhood abuse, may make us different, but we are caring, compassionate, empathic, strong, protective people as a result.

My sisters aren't - they are very mean, abusive, selfish, hateful, ungrateful and lack any compassion for others, and my parents damaged them as a result too.