Are Some People Just Too Damaged To Heal?

[Springer80]

Generally I don't like that kind of impersonal, disconnected fiddling with my body.

Hi Pencil,

I get the jist and whole heartedly agree! But jeez....at the moment I'd take an offer for some disconnected fiddling!!!! JOKE! (kinda)...;):woot:

 

[Shellbell]

It also struck me that this is all very new to you still and you have had recent traumatic experiences (such as fleeing the psychopath) and yet you already have much insight and wisdom. In many ways you are at the beginning of your journey and have endless potential for things to get better in the long term.

Oh and I wanted to add that even just the relational aspect of T opens up many painful cans of worms for me. I know how important that is to heal as well. T is painful even whilst it heals us. Growing pains. ;)

Dear Abstract,

Yes, I do forget that I have had fairly recent traumatic experiences, which involved my child - that for me is worse. My child being in danger is a trauma of itself, as I fully believe the psycho to be capable of anything. I know his need for revenge against people who he believes have wronged him, and his need for revenge against me will be there festering away in his evil mind.

I also know he has non curable cancer (I occasionally keep track of him as trauma victims do), and I truly believe if he were at a point of having a short time left, I would be on his list of people - probably top of the list - to 'sort out' prior to death. And I may live as far away as I can from him, but the world is a small place that is one plane ride away. I believe he will come after me one day.

And yes, having to form a relationship with my T is hard in itself. I feel very attached to her already, and don't want to be. What if she leaves, or drops me?

 

[Shellbell]

. Shellbell, your "now I need people to help me heal, that is scary". I really relate to that. I am at the same place. T told me yesterday that touch can improve the neurochemicals in the brain and it is important for healing the traumatised brain and allowing new pathways to be laid down. (She suggested massage) It made me realise that there comes a point where you do need more than your own courage and strength and a therapist. You are right, it is scary, but it also represents a reconnecting, an urge to move outwards, a taking of your place a bit more in the world rather than hiding in a trauma-imposed isolation.

I would like to get to the point where the PTSD doesn't require so much attention, doesn't sit on my shoulder all the time, nor act as a great white elephant in every relationship.

The healing bit, on our own, is hard, but reconnecting, reintegrating, and entering the world of relationships and interactions brings about a whole new set of challenges. Daring to be us, in all our glory, is the hardest because it's hard to believe just being who you are, or who you have become through what life has made you, is enough.

Thanks Helliepig,

Yes the 'needing' people is very hard for me. I would much rather not need anyone.

I also have fortnightly massages and my T thinks this is important too. She hasn't talked about the neurochemicals being improved through this, but any positive contact is helpful.

It is like thinking of the PTSD as the great white elephant in every relationship, comanding lots of attention.

I think healing by myself would be impossible, I don't have the skills to do that. I am really aware of how much I need people to help in this healing process, and whilst needing anyone scares me so much, it is the beast that I have to take on and win.

 

[Shellbell]

Hi Helliepig,

It feels like standing at the biggest dam wall and being too scared to pull the plug. But I want too. But I can't...AAAARRRRRGGGGGhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Why is it so hard to admit vulnerability? I can talk about it in a broad brush stroke (avoiding ;)!) kind of way but the whatever it is that will dislodge what I need to I'm not sure I can. Or rather I veer off any time I get close.

To admit vulnerability is hard, because that's where and how we got hurt in the first place. I hate having to admit I'm vulnerable, people used that to their advantage causing me great pain and suffering and huge lasting damage, causing me to be even more vulnerable.

My wall I put up, pretending to be strong was a very thin veneer, easily broken and very fragile. Now I don't even have that - I feel exposed. I hate that.

I can also admit this is a sweeping statement, but don't like to dwell on it or think about it.

 

[Shellbell]

I just realised something that no doubt is having and will have a huge affect on my healing process.

I don't believe my trauma is over. I believe more will happen. I know I could be facing more, worse in the future. I still believe his threats of death are real, against me and my family.

I still believe he will seek revenge, just as he said he would. I know he is evil enough. I saw the depths of his evil heart and his incessant need to exact revenge on people who wronged him for things so minor, like owing him money.

I am still dealing with the hightened sense of fear 20 years on from escaping him. Even emigrating hasn't taken that fear away.

How do I get past that?

 

[Springer80]

Do you think it or do you feel it? I live in the same country as my abuser and it did used to freak me out that he could get to me. I know now that he won't, he's a coward bigtime.

My brain thinks about it theoretically every now and again and I have to tell myself to cut it out.

It sounds like you have taken a lot of steps to ensure yours and your kids already. Do you live the fear or are you aware that it's a the ptsd making you relive it?

 

[Shellbell]

I really do believe it, it's a fear that has never gone away. Emigrating was before the PTSD and was to ensure my children had a better chance, but I still have the fear. He has money, it wouldn't take much to hire a private investigator to track me down, or worse.

I know it sounds really irrational, but that fear has never left me. My husband knows I still have this fear.

I'm just concerned that this will have a detrimental affect on my T and healing. If you are still in constant fear, how can you heal?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Shellbell I know what you mean about being more vulnerable. It is hard to trust. I hate the feeling of overexposure. I feel shame and humiliation. These emotions hurt so much. So I am pretty closed mouth about my past anymore.

I am sorry you have to live life looking over your shoulder. I hope your stalker will die and leave you alone forever. For years I lived in fear of my dad trying to hunt me down. I feel relief that he is dead now. I finally feel peace. i had to cut off alot of my family due to the fact that they had contact with him. I did not want him knowing anything about us.

I hope things smooth out for you and you do not have to live looking over your shoulder. Big hugs.

 

[Shellbell]

Thank you Gizmo :hug:

I know my fear won't ever be gone until he is dead. I think the fear and terror he drove into me is so deep it will not be gone until I know he is gone.

It's interesting you used the words 'hunt you down', as this pyscho goes deer and game hunting. He's obsessed with guns and shooting. He loves the thrill of 'hunting' and that's how I feel, that he will get a sick thrill out of eventually hunting me down.

I'm so glad you don't have that fear anymore Gizmo, I'm sure it is a huge relief to know you can't be hurt anymore by your Father.

:hug:

 

[Abstract]

Shellbell,
It actually occurred to me that this could be an issue when I read your previous reply to me. I think there is PTSD fear where we are living in the feelings from the past and then there is our understanding and knowledge of the person we are afraid of. I am grateful to say that I am not in a situation like this but have seen people who are still in abusive or potentially dangerous environments or even where there is a theoretical risk of the person popping up again and I have thought how much more difficult that would make things. We need to be able to say to ourselves that the fears are feelings from the past and that we are safe in the now.

I understand your thought that him having nothing to loose and you as a loose end may make him come after you. What I hope is that being terminally ill would take a big toll on his ability to plan and be devious enough to achieve something like this. That even if he wanted to do it that he would not have the physical and psychological resources to achieve it. I actually think that is quite possible although I realise it probably doesn't help that much.

Also, you don't have to answer but have you spoken to the local police force and do they know your situation? I am not sure but would have thought there would be monitoring of known criminals entering the country. It seems he was prosecuted for his crime against you even if it was hopelessly and ridiculously little. I wondered if there was any system that would mean you would be notified if he did come in. I am sure these are all things you have considered and also that it is possible you don't want anyone including the police to know that much.

I don't know if this helps but my aunt and her family fleed her ex husband and he never found them. Like Gizmo I hope he dies soon so that you can start to put this behind you.

I wish I had some words of wisdom but really this is outside of my experience. I would imagine that the next best thing would a type of radical acceptance and then claiming back your present so that he does not take that away from you too.

I can only begin to imagine what it must be like to have ones child threatened.

 

[Abstract]

Oh and the T stuff:
I too have been fiercely independent my whole life and find myself battling to come to terms with knowing I can't help myself and that I need to put my trust in someone in this way. I am not being very successful at present. I am shock at the glimpses I have had of bottomless need that I never thought existed. I guess we have no choice. There is no reason why they would not totally have our best interests in mind but it is hard. I guess that alone is one of the important roles T has for us.

 

[Shellbell]

Thank you Abstract, your support is always very comforting to me.

My husband is now a cop, and for our suburb. The polcie and his bosses do know of my PTSD, as we asked to be not relocated elsewhere when he graduated the academy due to it. It is good to know he is close by and if he gets a call from me or a neighbour about me, to act immediately.

My H does intend saying something when he finds his feet there. It will help a little. I don't know if it could be something that would stop or be able to highlight him entering the country. That's something I'll have to try to find out about.

His criminal record didn't stop him getting his gun licence back, which was taken off him when he went to prison. He appealed this many times and eventually got his gun licence back. This was 2 years after we emigrated. The legal system stinks. The Chief of Police appeared at his court appeal and stated he was a serious risk (the police hate him) to the greater community and strongly opposed his appeal. He was also involved in the 'accidental' death of a former girlfriend before me and somehow got away with that, but has a criminal record over that too. How the judge could agree to him getting his gun licence back is beyond me. Having money works in your favour I guess. Either that or the judge was paid off.

I will talk have to my T about these fears I have, as I do believe they will affect my therapy and healing.