Are These Flashbacks?

[Crash]

When I first talked to my doctor specifically about my fears while driving (which are only really bad in the winter) he asked me if I'm reliving the feelings and sensations of the accident, flashbacks etc. I said I don't think so. I come to realize later that he is getting at the physiological fear reactions I'm having, the feeling of nausea and panic, white knuckles on the steering wheel (or in my lap if I'm not driving), the certainty that control of the vehicle will be lost. Stubbornness is the only thing that has stopped me during the worst of these episodes from just stomping the brake, covering my eyes and either screaming like a banchee or crying. I should also mention, as odd as it may seem, I think I'm more scared of having another injury that will leave me hurting and debilitated again than I am of actually dying in an accident....my reactions got much worse since my neck got bad too.

The reason I wonder if these feelings are "re-living" the accident or some kind of flash back is because I do remember every second of the accident and those sensations were not involved. I've talked to people about it too, and I don't feel panicky, I feel worse thinking about driving to work tomorrow. During the accident I did not panic, I remember thinking things in a relatively mundane way "oh, my roof is going to hit....this can't be good", and "oh really, we're rolling twice...didn't see THAT coming". Thinking them in the same way as you would think "ugh, my shoelace is untied again!!". The only thing close to panic I felt was when the driver didn't immediately answer me after we came to a stop and I called his name (he was knocked out and is fine now...it didn't even change the way he drives). The EMT who took me to the hospital even remarked on how calm I was, my heart rate and blood pressure were completely normal. I now wonder a little if he misdiagnosed being in shock as being calm.....or was I disassociated during it all? If I felt anything at all during the entire thing it was extremely annoyed that my day, the job we were going to and my weekend were disrupted (oh if I'd only known the scope).

So why on earth am I panicking now? As time goes by it seems to get worse rather than better. Its even worse if there is snow on the road and there was only snow in the ditch on the day of the accident (black ice on the road though!). Has anybody else had this scenario? Calm at the time of the incident but panicking later? I'm new to this so I don't understand at all. Is this a flashback? I haven't even seen the psychiatrist yet, PTSD is my GPs diagnosis, and he admits he is no expert. Knowing might help me be able to communicate to her what is going on when I finally do see her.

Sorry for the long post, yep, I'm a verbose one.....I just prefer to be clear about things.

 

[The Albatross]

Flashbacks are when I'm there, right back there in my trauma(s). The anxiety and stressors are more like triggers... people, situations, places, sights, sounds, sensations, smells that "remind me" of a trauma but don't jet me back into reliving the event.

I have had calm in crisis mode and panic later too. It has improved greatly this last year with my T, some mini challenges and stress reduction things.

 

[Crash]

Being right back there....how real is it? Is it a complete reliving of the trauma or is it just a part of it? I've had situations where even going over a bump or something in the road I get the sensation for less than a second that the truck is in fact skidding exactly like in the accident. The big thing that keeps me from being there I think is the fact that I'm driving, and I'm very aware of that (perhaps this stops me from having a complete flashback). There is the added oddity that our main vehicle is a right hand drive...so behind the wheel I'm actually on the "passenger side" of the vehicle (its scary how close the ditch is!).

In my husband's work truck (same model and cab interior as the one I was in during the accident) I often fight with myself to not think of what happened, and often expect to look up and see the cab looking the way mine did on the day of the accident. Sometimes I wonder if I should stop fighting and let it happen.

I've tried doing controlled skids in a parking lot (with my husband in the passenger seat helping/humouring me). I guess this could be considered a mini challenge. It can set me off, though its not as truly terrifying as when I'm on the highway, somewhere I'm not going to try to challenge myself other than just staying on the road. I've looked for winter driving courses, but none are on the road....they're classroom stuff and not of much help. I'm *hoping* that if I manage to get a therapist they can help me find something more I can do.

 

[VDWngr1355]

I think flashbacks can be body sensations, and smells as well, like what you are describing.

 

[Crash]

Good to know VDWngr......until the question was directly asked of me I had never even thought about what a flashback was or how it would feel, look, sound etc. It hadn't even occurred to me that what was happening could be called a flashback. I had actually put off talking to the GP because I was scared he'd just write a prescription for anxiety meds and send me off. I'm battling to get off of the meds I'm on for my neck (as much as I can and stay functional), so last thing I wanted was more drugs.