Are These Symptoms Flashbacks And Disassociation?

[The Sentinel]

When triggers of mine are hit I react in one of two ways, I either grow extremely emotional (angry, or upset and crying, sometimes to the point of causing physical violence against myself) or I become absolutely calm and cold and feel nothing.

Beyond this, one of my main coping tools is that I'm a writer. I have worlds in my head that I've created where I go and watch the characters interacting if I'm under too much stress, or if my mind is just going and going and going. I'm someone else, somewhere else, doing something else entirely that's totally not part of the real world. Now, this isn't accompanied by physical actions, it's just a fantasy in my head that I am entirely aware of at the time (I can go into and come out of them at will whenever I choose, so it's not a delusion, really).

When criticized (and I don't ask for it) I tend to get very, very angry and defensive and end up with feelings of hatred, helplessness, low self-worth, uselessness and the biggest one of not being good enough. I can handle criticism if I ask for it or if I'm in a situation where it is appropriate (such as sending my writing to an editor, or asking someone an opinion of something) however if not solicited I react very poorly to it.

Another is that when yelled at I either numb out and go cold or become very, very depressed, frightened, down on myself, and just want to curl up and hide somewhere. I can overcome this by numbing myself out and kind of going elsewhere in my head, but if I do that I can't really function very well in a conversation because I will only really be capable of saying "yes", "no", or "I'm sorry" at that point in time.

 

[Jline]

Hi,

Your reactions are not flashbacks and sound very common to PTSD sufferers. Being criticized is hard for most people but doubly hard if one is suffering from PTSD as our brains fire off on one side more than the other, "fight or flight." I have also used writing as a coping mechanism, I basically disappeared from reality for a year while writing my book, a fun fantasy where I escaped to everyday, a world where I was in control. Unfortunately we cannot stay in our fantasy land where the characters are controllable.

I have used self talk to help myself get through stressful situations where people have their, often, harsh judgments. People without PTSD do not understand the effects their words can have on a sufferer. If escaping into your writing or your mind helps you through these feeling then do so, it sounds like you understand the difference from being delusional and just using your mind to control these negative feelings. If at those times you are only able to respond with yes or no, so be it. I have found it has helped me for others to know I have PTSD then I don't feel so guilty when I react in anger or when I run away.

There is a thread on the forum, "I Believe PTSD Is Curable" if you haven't read it already I recommend checking it out. * Peace to you Sentinel * j

 

[The Sentinel]

Thank you, Jline, for the answer. It's good to be validated and to know that what I'm experiencing isn't just in my own head. Figuratively speaking, at least. Unfortunately, even the people that know I have PTSD often personalize my reactions so I have to deal with the guilt of their feeling bad because I'm either numbing out, retreating, or otherwise unable to cope. It's an extremely difficult situation all the way around and unfortunately the things I need to do in order to cope are direct triggers of those around me so I'm unable to even use them without triggering someone else and then I'm getting screamed at because that's how they (multiple people, no one specific) manage their anger. Either that or they get quiet and start crying because they can't handle me. As such I've developed a very isolationist attitude.

Also, where might I find that thread? I might be a boobus but I can't find the "search" function...

 

[Jline]

The thread is in "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" section. Tough situation you are in, just remember you are not responsible for other peoples feelings, just your own. Having good communication seems to be a skill many of us are still trying hard at. We physically and emotionally react so quickly sometimes it can be hard to get a handle on it. Be patient with yourself. j

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I disagree with jline.

You sound like you are experiencing emotional flashbacks. I ONLY get emotional flashbacks and have never had regular flashbacks or nightmares of my trauma. If you google "emotional flashbacks" the first hit is Pete Walker's website. He has excellent information on handling emotional flashbacks.

 

[Jline]

Excellent point ScaredOfLonley,

I have always had the regular kind of flashback where I am right back in the traumatic event, and boy oh boy were they regular. I don't have them anymore thank god. Hope you are feeling better Sentinel. j

 

[blackpearl]

I think flashback is more like an alarm system, responding instantly to what reminds you unconsciously and unwillingly, to a situation where you feel threatened as in your traumatic experiences. It's still in your body memory, much more quick and strong than thoughts of any nature.

For example when you hear fire alarm or something that reminds of that go off, you get "cold" within, just like that. This is because your body is preparing for an instant reaction, not the same as in a situation you have witnessed or been secondary victim.

So I think flashback is little like it sounds, in a flash you are back to feeling, hearing, smelling and sensing for example the fire for about seconds. Then you have to repeat to your self for about five or ten minutes that you are not in the past.

Bad memories that upsets you, is more like a trigger that increases your anger for example that is one kind of defense mechanism that takes little more time to grow like a snowball rolling down on a hill.

The instant response is nothing you can do about in the very second, it's a reflex - our survivor mechanism and in your parasympathetic side of our nerve system.

But thoughts (not reflexes) that begin to develop you have to learn to cut in a early state and that is possible unlike the reflexes bound to our survival mechanisms.

Sorry my English.

 

[The Sentinel]

Thank you all for the suggestions, I will definitely look up the website mentioned.