"are You Being Coy With Me?"

[7Cs]

I'm feeling a little bothered by this (even though I have so much going on otherwise right now and I'm a complete emotional mess this morning).

Sometimes at T sessions I have what I think is a kind of smiley part of me come out. I'm not Dx'd with anything other than PTSD and have written about this before. Now that it's happened quite a few times mostly during intense T conversation but a few times seemingly randomly. I smile uncontrollably, laugh, and inside feel happy and warm "comfy". Sometimes a little mischievous. Whether this is some "fractured" little girl part of me or a type of dissociative numbing of emotion I'm not sure. It does not seem like nervous laughter... it is a different emotional place incongruent with reality.

Last week when this happened T noticed the difference and asked me a few questions about what was going on with me and how I was feeling. I told her about feeling happy warm and comfy and she asked me if I was being coy. Not the flirtatious coy I'm sure but the avoidant secretive coy. After a few minutes of what felt like interrogation I was back to normal, high anxiety and stressed by things we had been talking about. Kind of like I was just dumped there and my comfy cozy happy was gone. It really sucked.

This really bothers me.
I don't play games.... most certainly not in therapy where I go to heal and work through things.

I think I also just don't like that phrase, for some reason it seems very negative.

 

[Lovemyself]

That sounds negative to me. I dont understand people that bring us down when we have very few moments of true calm peace glimmer of happiness. Every time i feel silly laughing peaceful someone close to me comes along and drags me down. I feel they dont want me happy self sufficient. Peaceful they dump their junk on me. So now i am alone not wanting anyone around me.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I sort of had a snicker/sneer when shrink said something to me about going on meds. Because of that sneer he added pdnos to my diagnosis. I was like wtf you asshole. They are human too and sometimes read in way to much to reactions jmo!

 

[Lovemyself]

I would find a new therapists. I did the med thing and it made me worse i will pray for us

 

[Sweet_E]

Yeah, I think that phrase would rub me the wrong way too. To me, it would feel like an accusation of flirting or doing something wrong. It kind of implies weakness to me - like "I'm going to act cute and charming because I'm so vulnerable and fragile and I need you to like me so you don't hurt me."

However, it may have been just a poor word choice on your T's part. Maybe what he meant was something else - maybe feeling those "warm fuzzies" as I'll call it, are a way to avoid some other feelings that are uncomfortable and he was trying to get to the root of that.

It is interesting that you exhibit those behaviors and feelings during therapy and sounds like you are taking the right approach by being aware and reflecting on where the warm fuzzies are coming from.

I think there's two things to deal with: 1) Why do the warm fuzzies happen? 2) How to deal with the uncomfortable interaction with your T? To me it seems like you have to work on #2 before you can get to #1.

Does your T usually speak in a non-literal way? I'm a very literal person and I always assume that if a person uses a term like "coy" they mean the word "coy." However, being married to the man who is now my husband, I have learned this is not always the case. When he speaks, I need to remind myself that the words he uses are approximations of what he means. So, my husband might use the word "coy" when he really means "deliberately pleasant and happy."

Perhaps this was not a semantic thing at all. Perhaps your T called you out on something and it made you uncomfortable. Maybe your disposition seemed at odds with the topic you were discussing - or maybe not? Maybe he made you feel like he was judging or not accepting of your personality?

I've also noticed that some T's use the "interrogation approach" because they think this gets the most authentic answers - maybe even answers you weren't even previously aware of. The yoga studio where I train does yoga therapy and they teach this type of technique - where it's different from empathetic listening. It's merely a way of getting information. I had to use this approach with a girl I was paired up with in Teacher Training and it caused her to have this profound epiphany/ ah- ha moment. However when she used it on me, I just shut down. I don't like it. I want the empathy. Then I remembered back to a time when my psychiatrist used this approach with me. It struck me as odd, but I just brushed it off and answered his questions in a detached way. It didn't bother me coming from him because I was just going to him to approve my short term disability. He was not my main therapeutic support person. When a new therapist had this approach, I couldn't move forward with them, but that was just me. It could be that your therapist was just using a "technique" to get information or to help you learn more about yourself and it was not meant in a bad way. I think I was not emotionally supported by the adults in my life when I was traumatized as a child, so it's important for me to feel empathy at all times from my T.

But anyway, you may want to start out giving your T the benefit of the doubt and talk it out. Ask questions to understand where he/she was coming from and why that approach was used. Maybe it was a technique that was used that the T can avoid in the future. Maybe that's just the T's technique in general. Maybe it was just a fluke thing/misunderstanding.

Is this a T you have been seeing for a long time?

 

[Sweet_E]

I sort of had a snicker/sneer when shrink said something to me about going on meds. Because of that snee...

what is pdnos?

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Sweet_E Personality disorder NOT OTHERWISE SPECIFIED ... in other words, he was saying I have a personality disorder but doesn't know which one. When I questioned him he hemmed and hawed and couldn't answer me. We went round and round about it, but he couldn't tell me straight up if I had one or not. He ended up removing it from my chart. Asshole Dr.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Wondering if it felt different than it actually was - a constant issue for me.

When I'm in my 14 year old part, my therapist responds to me like I'm a 14 year old. When I'm in my little kid part, she adjusts her language and approach accordingly. She's so adept at what she does that I don't even notice - except for occasionally, when I shift out of a part faster the she realizes and then the approach doesn't fit with what I am at that moment.

Maybe the question about being coy was simply their attempt to meet you where you were at that moment.

 

[Muted]

I agree with @theshadowoftheliving especially if your therapist has knowledge and experience in this area. If you can discuss how you feel, it might be valuable for her as well as therapeutic for you. If you have an otherwise good relationship, it will only strengthen it if you both can work through it. I tend to avoid conflict and I know this can be challenging, but my T. And I have worked through things that have come up even though normally I would've bailed and it has strengthened our relationship.

 

[7Cs]

When I'm in my 14 year old part, my therapist responds to me like I'm a 14 year old.

Interesting thought.
At what age though would you ask someone if they were being coy and have it be at there level yet not negative. It this something that would be asked of a child or teen?

your therapist has knowledge and experience in this area.

She doesn't have much experience with dissociative disorders but does work with kids that have PTSD or that are at risk. I am an adult who has had PTSD for 20 years give or take so I'm not sure if she works with complex and resistant cases often.

I am seeing an expert in trauma and dissociation on the side for consultation. I'm starting to wonder if it would be a good idea to switch Ts (again) but I've only been with this one - not the expert - for about 9 months and don't want to bounce from T to T and hate having to "break up" with a T.

 

[Muted]

Could you discuss this with the expert that you consult with? First, maybe they could offer some insight into your experiences and possibly assist you in how to handle the situation with your T.

How do you feel like your overall progress and connection is with your regular T? If she is inexperienced in this area, it might be good to consider another T, however, if she's in tune enough to recognize some of what is going on I might be inclined to work it through IF she's increasing her own education in these areas. I've been frustrated by putting tons of time and money into counselors that have had no clue what's really going on or how to help. Only since I've found the right one have I realized how essential it is to have someone that has the drive to truly help.

 

[7Cs]

Could you discuss this with the expert that you consult with?

I just started to see the expert and really just wanted her opinion on my dissociative symptoms and to get some recommendations on how to move forward in therapy especially since the symptoms are impeding my progress.

I hadn't considered discussing my current therapy experiences with the other T. I didn't know if it was appropriate.

This is probably the second time that my current T and I have a had a disagreement of sorts. The 1st time sent me into a full blown emotional flashback after she told me that I had changed my mind twice on the direction I wanted my therapy to go within the same number of sessions. I'm not sure if she stated frustration (probably not) or if I inferred it through tone and facial expressions. This time I was in my other mindset still so it didn't bother me as much until later.

A few other red flags are that she missed a session without letting anyone, even the front desk know. She ended up calling to apologize about 20 minutes after I left the session she didn't have the session on her calendar. She also forgets trauma experiences I've had and apologizes because I've been through so much that it can be hard for her to remember. Sometimes kind of important ones too like that I was born into a cult. But I've just accepted these things till now. I guess this "coy" experience was just the one that made me finally question if she's the right T for me. Especially since the last 2 that I mentioned could be major triggers for someone with major abandonment issues. I actually am pretty impressed that I was able to handle them so well.