Are You Embarrassed And Ashamed To Talk Details w/ Your Therapist?

[Mach123]

This is one of those repetitive themes. Telling is easily the most difficult part. I remember when found out what was going on I thought, "I wonder the percentages of the ones who kill themselves first, which I tried to do."

The abuser removes your capacity to speak (and people in general, even therapists) and even if you manage to say it so often no one hears it. In cases of CSA you may have conflicting memories of your "role" in it.

I didn't realize what had gone on was CSA. I just thought I was bad because I'd been sexually active as a child. The therapist told me shame was a really if issue and I had realized I was "shame based" even before I knew any of this.

 

[New]

Yes!!! I accidentally blurt things out sometimes and then shut down for days and don’t tell my T. Somehow she knows this I think.

I even pretend or decide in my mind I probably didn’t say anything. And other times I don’t even remember telling her things when they are brought up and that shuts me down as well wondering who told her and who is going behind my back. (I know this is PTSD and not reality but when it happens I’m not convinced because I have such major trust issues).

I’ve never planned on giving details or wanted to but I’m also willing to do almost anything to get better. But that hasn’t happened yet.

 

[Tinyflame]

This is one of those repetitive themes. Telling is easily the most difficult part. I remember when found out what was going on I thought, "I wonder the percentages of the ones who kill themselves first, which I tried to do."

Yes. ^^

 

[Harmonics]

Are you embarrassed and ashamed to talk about details of abuse with your therapist?

Yes, it is always so hard to force those words out. But like others have said, getting them out seems to start the path to reducing the overwhelming shame that goes along with the abuse. I was just telling my therapist yesterday how hard it is to talk about this stuff, even though I know that the abuse we have talked about has helped reduce the intrusive memories and flashbacks. I come home from those sessions spaced out and exhausted and often sleep for hours afterwards.

And I realize that if I was working with a client, I wouldn't blame them at all or think that they should feel embarrassment or shame...but as the client, it is all there.

 

[Tinyflame]

It falls out a lot, with me. Seems it just seems relevant (required) at the time, or disingenuous not to include. Or desperate, I suppose. :( Generally only ever with one person though, I can't or don't otherwise.

 

[LostInCPTSD]

Yes, absolutely. Especially in the area of sex or romance because mine is twisted and I’m afraid of being judged. After 3x a week for 18 months after discovering I was abused since birth, with the only T that ever helped or cared - I quit because I was literally just triggering myself every session and not getting better. I felt going and talking about it was just triggering me - and as a man, crying at every single session 3x a week for 18 mo and feeling destroyed for days after rehashing my past (other than four sessions where I decided I wasn’t going to embarrass myself - which meant not talking at all - My T began asking if I was angry at her and began hinting I should be recovered by now or try looking for a job, more or less). It hurt so bad I saw her maybe three times after that before calling it quits. I think she understood PTSD but not CPTSD and got “empathy fatigue” - and I seriously cant blame her. She was a saint. She cared about me.

Edit: I should also add that I was falling ‘in love’ with her and that began to complicate the process of recovery for me. I would fantasize about her (in very sweet & tender loving ways I always hoped I would get to experience one day). It was because she showed me nurturing that I never experienced before. Just by listening to me and seemingly caring genuinely for my pain & believing me and believing IN me. This is the first time I’m admitting this. I’m ashamed & embarassed.

 

[Emotional girl]

With my old T I would have been really embarrassed to tell him certain aspects of my life. We had quite a close relationship and there was my transference and attachment towards him which brought up its own aspects of shame.
With my new counsellor I have told him some very personal information that I have never told to anyone else . I have felt ashamed and embarrassed but he has helped me to work through those feelings without judging me .This has allowed me to feel safe and comfortable with him.

 

[LampLight]

After struggling and practicing to share a few tough childhood images, I shared them with my T. He kept telling me to take my time, to be ready, to stay the course with him, and he will be right by my side. It still took me more than two years to try and verbalize the actual memories. What happens is while the session is happening, I take some kind of courage from my T, but the minute it ends and I am on my own, I get flooded with remorse that I told and embarrassment. My heart just kind of aches over wishing I could until him. It is the hardest thing

 

[Changing4Best]

I'll be starting with a new T next month and he is a man and I am a woman. I dread working with a man, but I could not find a woman that takes my insurance. I have been working with a woman, have worked with several women over the years. I cannot imagine discussing personal and sexual matters with a man, but I have to do something! Being without a T has not been good. The stresses of life build up and there is nowhere to put them!

The suggestion above about putting it in writing first before the session and having him read it might be helpful. I do art therapy too, so he can view my art as well.

I sure could use some prayers!

 

[somerandomguy]

I dread working with a man, but I could not find a woman that takes my insurance

Hi @Changing4Best - maybe working with a man could help you instead of hinder you? Could you tell him your fears and concerns about working with him as a man?

Working with a woman who was the exact same age as the woman who abused me turned into the best move I could have made.

 

[Changing4Best]

My niece said something similar. I am hoping you both are right! I will write about it and maybe even share about it in a work of art with him, so that hopefully by the time I get there (2 weeks from how) I will be in a better frame of mind about all this. @somerandomguy

 

[Emotional girl]

@Changing4Best I can understand your anxiety about working with a man but I would also say give it a go and see how you get on.
I have worked with three male therapists and I can honestly say that all three of them are the most wonderful human beings that I have ever met.I felt safe and secure with them.
As long as you don't get problems with transference or attachment then you soon forget the gender of the other person.
Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.