Are You Living In Contradiction? Trying To Get Better & Lost The Will To Fight.....

[Cloud]

I find myself living in a constant strggule of tug and war. The battle between the "WANT" of getting better and "LOST THE WILL" to fight against PTSD.

Half part of me constantly reading, trying new techniques and researching about PTSD in order to get better though my own ability. The other part of me feel endless negativities that I feel like I have lost the will to go on and fight this vicous battle with my mental illness. 35 years of being extremely isolated, living with depression & PTSD with no one to rely on. Now that my PTSD has fully blown. I'm both physically and mentally exausted. Right now, I feel like I have lost the will to live but I will not commit that sin as suicide is a sin in Buddhism.

I live everyday in a "monotone" sort of speak, I live for the day and that's it.

People whom I know that I've revealed to them that I have PTSD, they seemed to think that I can just snapped my fingers and "let it go", "What's past is past; no point duelling on it", "Just look forward instead of living in the past", "Set goals and live for the future" and my favorite one, "You can CONTROL you fear/PTSD if you will it" Hah! Said I, you people really have no clue what you're talking about.

I've controlling my depression and PTSD since I was 5 years old without dealing with the main issues and now it is completely out of control because I didn't seek treatment faster. Years of fear of being molested, sexual assault and rape cannot be "TURN ON/OFF", like turninig-off the light. Were it be that simple, then all of us that suffer PTSD will have no problems with relapses, trying different medication and techniques. Heck, even finding a good therapist or psychiatrist can be pretty hard.

Geesh, I know they're ignorant 'cuz if the same thing happend to them, I doubt very much they can just "let it go". A lifetime of traumatic experience compounded with so much unfairness/injustice, DOES NOT JUST DISAPPEAR WHEN YOU WISH IT TO BE UNDER CONTROL.

I wonder if many of you are or have gone through this stage of living in CONTRADICTORY? If so, how did you cope with yours?

I'm currently also living in the period of GRIEF. In which I can't seem to stop crying even when I exercise. Tears just filled my eyes and there is nothing I can do about it. Last year I was still able to bring myself temporary happiness, like singing, reading Shakespeare(comedies) or dancing. This year I feel absolutely no enjoyment doing them at all, nothing seem to perk me up anymore. I miss my little perks......sigh

Cloud :wall:

 

[cragger65]

I am new, and in no way to pretend to have the answer. However, there is one thing that I find has worked for the overwhelming sadness, and that is to relate to yourself, or part of yourself, as the child that was injured. Using photos of yourself at that age can aid in feeling a sense of caring toward that part of your being that is the sad, broken you. Sometimes this small "me" sits in my lap and is terribly forlorn. I caress his shoulder as I imagine I would a son (just in my mind, or perhaps making circular motions with my hand on my shoulder or chest if it is intense.) I have been practicing/exploring/making up as I go, this technique and now that little me responds. I know this must sound hokier than s%$t, but it is showing progress for me. I hope it can help in some small measure for you as well.

 

[TLight]

Cloud;
I so relate to the place you are in. I'm 43 and have suffered multiple traumas and victimizations.........tons of secondary wounding also. I too have the feeling that I just don't have the fight in me anymore to get better. I'm physically worn, the stress has taken a tremendous toll on me. Having new relationships and figuring out if I can trust anyone just seems entirely too taxing. I know where you are at.

That said; in an effort to be supportive, not only for you but myself, I guess I have to say is our only option now is to live for the day. If I can keep myself relatively safe today, enjoy the beauty of nature, try to have somewhat pleasant interactions with people (whom I keep at a very cool distance, let me tell you)....then I've done good. Tomorrow is just another gentle effort. I try not to stress about the future........a challenge because I know my family will not be there for me and I have absolutely no one........but I have a wonderful cat.

The grief seems like it will stay forever. I feel like I've been crying my entire life. I don't really think that will ever end. Sometimes, just a good nights sleep is enough to look forward too, which, thank heavens, I'm finally getting these days.

People don't know what is behind this smile, this act to try and be normal...........and when they do, they call me weak too..........it is entirely devastating. I don't tell anyone anymore what my life is like. I just can't take the risk........it could cost me my life. I've been close so many times before, a person can only take so much cruelty.
Don't tell anyone....or be very very careful. You can talk on her and get support and no judgement or blame. I believe God doesn't judge us either. I don't know why he let our lives be this way, sometimes I wonder why I've been punished so. But I'm just going to try to be gentle and kind to me..........because very few others will be.

Be gentle and kind to you tomorrow and I'll keep you in my thoughts. I'm right there with you.
Blessings..........Terri

 

[Cloud]

Hi Cragger65,

Thank you very much for your tips and thank you for reading my post.

Hope your recovery is progressing!

Cloud

 

[Cloud]

Hi Terry,

You need to take care yourself, you are the most important person in your life. Especially when you're trying to heal. "trying to fit in; be part of group" is overrated. You need to live for yourself, DO NOT THINK about what others might think of you all the time.

We've been brainwashed by our abuser/s that, [We aren't worthy of anything; everything is our fault because we brought it upon us!]
WRONG - you need to quickly removed that thought that's been putting in your head by brainwashing, discarde it quickly.

This brainwash technique is used by all the abusers 'cuz they're plancing the guilt on you so that they can justify what ever evil/bad deeds they'v done to you is the presence of YOU that made do these things. Please discard their brainwash ideas/thoughts that have been injecting them all these years. Treated them as poisons that you finally found the antidote for all the brainwash ideas/thoughts. Which is what I did for myself as soon as realized that I was brainwashed by my mother that I'm very ugly, no man would ever want me,..etc. Needless to say, there were far more worse things that she has put into my head over the years. One classical example is the "VICTIM's CARD" - everything is your fault, you brought it on by yourself.

The most important of part of healing process is to understand who you are and why you are this way by educating ourself everything about PTSD. The more research we do the faster we'll be able to understand who we really are., then we need to try different techniques of self- healing and learn how to relax our body and mind. I know easier said then done, I'm trying in baby steps myself.

Set boundaries to protect yourself from any future abuse, attacks, rape..etc. Read books about how to read people whether they'll be nice or bad people. Use your common sense, if you're good looking, then wear sunglasses in public places so that you don't get unwanted attention from men. If you have a nice figure, don't show it off when you're by yourself in the public place or being alone with the guy you've just met. Don't go to dangerous places during day and night times alone, you'll be subjecting your self to more possible danger. If you look like the vunerable type or nice most people are inclined to step on you to make themselves feel better. Learn to stand up for yourself or put on a mask that you're not one to be trifle with. Try to go out with a group of people that you feel safe and you'll less likely to be single out by predators.

However, this can be very hard to accomplished because bad/evil peole often analyzed thier victims before they make thier move. One of the example I can tell you is that since our abusers are often people we know like our parents, brothers and sisters, etc. So we don't talk about our family, when we're sick no one accompany us to see a doctor or we don't talk about our friends 'cuz we don't have many friends to begin with. In the predators' mind we are the perfect victims, since we appeared to have no support system from family nor friends.

Thank you very much for your blassing, you have my empathy. Be strong Terry, a little by little your life will get better, think about all your little triumphs and believe that luck will come to you soon! Have faith, you deserve to be happy and you will. It's just we have to work extra harder then others.

Hope my words can encourage you.

Cloud

 

[TLight]

Thanks Cloud;

Your words have helped a lot. I've realized I'm only wounding myself more when I look at myself at 'mental.' Other people can think what they think, I can't control that. I can only deal with the cards that have been dealt me the best that I can........if they can't deal with it, I guess I'm on my own. There problem not mine.

 

[cragger65]

Any little thing I can do to help others is truly my pleasure. I will probably be asking for help on something soon enough myself ;P

 

[midi]

Wow, Cloud, thanks! I've taken a lot from what you posted about abusers and how we can prevent future abuses.

 

[Cloud]

Hi midi,

I'm glad to help out others who are like me. Joined this forum makes me feel useful again! "cuz I can give people helpful ideas, encourage them with positive reinforcements and post any research that I found useful for us.

Another pointer, if you really want to out by yourself, go to places that are filled with people, for example a popular mall. So when danger ever arises, you can quickly scream or grab someone to help you. The probabilities of any predator might attack you in a crowded places is very very very low. So you can still enjoy things even if you're by yourself.

You're very welcome!

Always glad to help!

Cloud