NovemberStar
Platinum Member
@Rennie trust me, I relate to the double life and work being a sanctuary thing. But when I was seen as being at risk and too sick to work end of last year, I was forced to take 3 months off - I'm a health professional and I was reported to my professional body - by my psych team, and without them even hinting it was coming. I was completely powerless as to when I would be allowed to return to work - IF I was allowed to return at all.
But DESPITE work being the one thing in my life I cared about; DESPITE it feeling my life was over due to losing my ability to work, DESPITE the MASSIVE financial stress (came very close to losing my house AND I still could if I get sick again in the next year); DESPITE my thinking I could not survive without working, I DID.
Those 3 months were long, painful and agonising. I spent 2 weeks in an eating disorder hospital and as an anorexic, having to gain 25% of my body weight before I was even allowed to ask about going back to work was HELL. And I had to do it with next to no support once I left the hospital.
Like you, my family did not know I was sick. I certainly did NOT want my colleagues or clients to know anything was wrong with me. But sometimes we lost the ability to juggle all the balls in the air and catch them. I had no choice but to tell my sister I was sick as I needed her help (transport my dogs to stay hundreds of kilometres away).
When I eventually got back to work EVERYONE knew. I had a bunch of colleagues come up to me with pitying looks and telling me about how sad it was I'd got so sick. It was HUMILIATING.
But - it wasn't the end if the world.
There came a certain degree of relief - why? Because hey, now it's out in the open I am far from 'perfect' it's made it a lot easier to gain support. And having 'everyone know' has also meant it protects me from getting so sick again. I thought I had been so clever and had hidden how sick I was. Wrong! Everyone knew but no one felt they could say anything. Now I feel a degree of comfort and safety knowing IF I were to reload into my eating disorder again, those around me would speak up and be kind and ask me if I'm ok. They'd be more readily able to say 'hey, are y ok? I'm a little worried about you'. (Not that I'd want them too, but I know they'd be doing it from a place of CARE, not to be nosey).
What I'm trying to say is - having your boss know won't necessarily be the end of the world. If y had ANY major health issue mental health or otherwise, your boss would need to know, for safety reasons. You think if someone at your work had epilepsy, it would make sense effort the boss to NOT be told??
Can you see if the boss knows she / he might be able to HELP you? Help it make work a SAFER place for y to be? You said your colleagues put up centrefold pictures and that triggered you into this downward spiral. Having your boss know means you can more readily talk to him / her and ensure that kind if thing does not happen again.
Bottom line - when something major happens with our health; when we are dealing with life threTening matters, there WILL be consequences that flow on from that. If the worst thing that happens in this situation with you is that your boss knows and some of your therapy time is used to discuss what happened, I'd consider that a pretty light escape in terms of how much worse the consequences could have been- you could be dead right now --OR - what if your overdose HAD damaged your heart permanently? What if you had been left too disabled to ever be able to work again? Or you'd lost your job altogether? (I don't where you live but I imagine in some places losing your job would happen in a case like this due to fears of you attempting suicide again / succeeding in doing so and the work place being sued by your family or the like).
I GET it's 'sucky' right now - but I'd encourage you to be open, honest with your team, your boss, and if you are made to have time off work then USE IT to make some really good gains in your treatment!
But DESPITE work being the one thing in my life I cared about; DESPITE it feeling my life was over due to losing my ability to work, DESPITE the MASSIVE financial stress (came very close to losing my house AND I still could if I get sick again in the next year); DESPITE my thinking I could not survive without working, I DID.
Those 3 months were long, painful and agonising. I spent 2 weeks in an eating disorder hospital and as an anorexic, having to gain 25% of my body weight before I was even allowed to ask about going back to work was HELL. And I had to do it with next to no support once I left the hospital.
Like you, my family did not know I was sick. I certainly did NOT want my colleagues or clients to know anything was wrong with me. But sometimes we lost the ability to juggle all the balls in the air and catch them. I had no choice but to tell my sister I was sick as I needed her help (transport my dogs to stay hundreds of kilometres away).
When I eventually got back to work EVERYONE knew. I had a bunch of colleagues come up to me with pitying looks and telling me about how sad it was I'd got so sick. It was HUMILIATING.
But - it wasn't the end if the world.
There came a certain degree of relief - why? Because hey, now it's out in the open I am far from 'perfect' it's made it a lot easier to gain support. And having 'everyone know' has also meant it protects me from getting so sick again. I thought I had been so clever and had hidden how sick I was. Wrong! Everyone knew but no one felt they could say anything. Now I feel a degree of comfort and safety knowing IF I were to reload into my eating disorder again, those around me would speak up and be kind and ask me if I'm ok. They'd be more readily able to say 'hey, are y ok? I'm a little worried about you'. (Not that I'd want them too, but I know they'd be doing it from a place of CARE, not to be nosey).
What I'm trying to say is - having your boss know won't necessarily be the end of the world. If y had ANY major health issue mental health or otherwise, your boss would need to know, for safety reasons. You think if someone at your work had epilepsy, it would make sense effort the boss to NOT be told??
Can you see if the boss knows she / he might be able to HELP you? Help it make work a SAFER place for y to be? You said your colleagues put up centrefold pictures and that triggered you into this downward spiral. Having your boss know means you can more readily talk to him / her and ensure that kind if thing does not happen again.
Bottom line - when something major happens with our health; when we are dealing with life threTening matters, there WILL be consequences that flow on from that. If the worst thing that happens in this situation with you is that your boss knows and some of your therapy time is used to discuss what happened, I'd consider that a pretty light escape in terms of how much worse the consequences could have been- you could be dead right now --OR - what if your overdose HAD damaged your heart permanently? What if you had been left too disabled to ever be able to work again? Or you'd lost your job altogether? (I don't where you live but I imagine in some places losing your job would happen in a case like this due to fears of you attempting suicide again / succeeding in doing so and the work place being sued by your family or the like).
I GET it's 'sucky' right now - but I'd encourage you to be open, honest with your team, your boss, and if you are made to have time off work then USE IT to make some really good gains in your treatment!
