Around The Bend

[Powder]

Was thinking yesterday what I would do if my parents died. I want them to be dead so that I don't have to worry about running into them, and to feel safe, perhaps peace even, on some level.

But I don't know what I'd do to feel "closure."

I want to see their bodies lying cold on the morgue slab. I want to see and touch the cold bodies, and to really know for certain that they are dead and cannot hurt me or anyone else ever again. This desire is so strong that I am afraid to tell you this, for fear you will think I am merely spiteful or vengeful. I don't think of it like that. In this desire, there is no malice. I feel a sense of peace, of forgiveness, and of letting the past between us die with them. I envision seeing them there, powerless, no longer alive, and I feel safe to accept them as my parents in that moment, parents incapable, finally, of hurting me anymore. I don't know why this is, but it makes sense to my heart, if not my head.

And yet I cannot imagine at all the miriad of triggers that would await me at their memorial service or funeral with family staring at me after not seeing me for years and all knowing that I rejected them for my allegations that they denied of severe child abuse and neglect. I want to know they are dead, but I don't want to have to hear people talking about the people they thought my parents were, because they are incorrect, mostly, but also because of the toxicity of the family in denial, the retraumatization of being in the trigger zone of photos, misconceived notions of what our family was, who they were, who I am, etc. I know that I would not go. And,
I'm afraid that I won't believe they are dead, even when I know that they are.

Because my grandpa, my father figure, didn't want an open casket, I still have dreams that he just wandered off in a fugue state and that he never actually died after all. I don't want my subconscious to believe they are still "out there somewhere."

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have an aversion to have my picture taken as well and none of the pictures of me look good because i have to force a smile.

When my dad finally died a few years ago, my first feeling was weird. Then relief of not having to look over my shoulder to avoid him anymore. I am so glad he cannot hurt anyone anymore and he can not try to get information about me anymore.

When I was nineteen years old, my mom died in a fiery plane crash and I felt that was justice. My dad died a very painful death from throat cancer and he suffered. I heard about this from my sister.

I understand your avoidance of taking pictures and perhaps this will be some thing that you will never fully get over. I understand about triggers Take good care of you. Hugs.

 

[Powder]

I have had a lot of psy phenomena lately. It ALWAYS weirds me out. I Never get used to it.

All day yesterday, I felt terrible and like I was in hospital about to die. I felt "Death"'s presence. I knew death was "near."

Sure enough, I had the sad news that some of my students from my academic program that I managed for 10 years and recently left were involved in a deadly auto accident. My 16 year old new student who I took to Yellowstone with my group of 25 teens this last summer passed away at the scene of the collision. Three girls were in the car with him, and they lived with injuries. He was a sweet, shy boy. :(

The weirdness is that I felt "I was going to die yesterday." My palms and soles of my feet would not stop sweating...until I was told the news, that my student passed away Friday. Friday night, I had "the weird dream" I get, where I'm watching a 'scary movie' scene of someone's psychic emotional flashback.

The other time this type of thing happened, I had the dream, and I saw the student's face. I couldn't remember her name. Both these were new kids to the program, and I didn't "know them" personally, yet.

On that occasion, I woke up and searched the news to find the story. Sure enough, there it was. In the dream, the girl was with two of her female cousins at the cemetery. They had dresses on, as they put flowers and a photo of her mother mounted on a large poster board on display on the edge of the cemetery. The reality was that her father had killed himself in a drunk driving accident the year prior. Almost on the anniversary, her mother tried to follow him. That's why in the dream, she was not put in the cemetery, just featured on the outskirts.

I contacted my student and offered to take her to her mom in the hospital. But her cousins had just arranged to take her, like in my dream. She was shaken up, of course.

The photo of her at her father's grave was on facebook.

Parents traumatize their kids in various ways, and being a suicidal drunk is a popular method in the rural town I've just left. Now, I don't know the cause of this last accident. It was day time and my students were "being good, " leaving college where they took college classes for free during high school.

In my dream, two of the girls in the car were arguing and distracted. They were arguing, going round and round, over a beverage, tea. They didn't like each other's taste in "natural" or "fake" ingredients and were caught up in that as they tried to select a beverage.

Now, I don't know if that is what caused distracted driving that day, but I suspect that was it, and that these two ended up in the hospital. My male student ended up in a body bag. It's a tragedy. I'm so sad.

I want to contact the college and see about setting up a memorial scholarship in his name. This is the first student our program has lost. We only lost one other, and he'd already left and went to Iraq and died in battle.

Prayers for the family of this sweet teenager are welcome.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Muse You have them. I am sorry for your loss. Hugs.

 

[Powder]

So I got my first teaching "observation" which consisted of an administrator dropping in during a controversial forced unit that everyone is angry about being forced to do on short notice with no prep and out of synch. The students don't want to do a TED talk. The teachers don't want to do it. But admin wanted everyone to do it.

So my observation happened while I am recovering from sinusitis and the loss of a 16 year old student. But I was doing okay.

When the person came in, I was in the middle of putting out some fires with students, going around helping those with tech problems or questions. Because the reviewer went to one side of the room and stood there, I stayed on my side, and I think this comes from 10 years of team teaching (I have your back) kind of systems.

I checked that side visually from my side, and they appeared to be typing and no hands were up.

BUT, that is because they were not doing their work, some of them, and were doing a web survey.

This pissed off the admin, that I didn't notice this and call them on this, but instead rushed around helping those stuck. This was because we only got 2 days with laptops, and the first day, we unexpectedly had to waste too much time configuring Power Point for them, which I was not told would happen and have never seen in a school lab before (sub-par).

We were rushing.

So, because I was helping students who were working rather than correcting students who chose not to work, I got a 0 review. I had helped and talked with four people on that side, but that wasn't noted in my review. She said that I didn't help that side of the room AT ALL and ignored them. I couldn't stand and observe their screens because she was standing in my way.

I can't help but think this is either AGGRESSIVE or PIG IGNORANT or both. Like a trick or test, here let me stand in your way, but you have to come stand next to me and be doing two things at once.

The only way I could have maybe passed this test was to stand at the back looking at all screens at once policing content for on-task behavior and making the kids, one in a sling and one on crutches, come to the back of the room with an old, heavy laptop, for assistance. I guess I will next time.

I haven't adjusted that this school is run more like a penal colony with high academic standards than a school as I understand a school to be. This is a culture shock.

So I don't know how to adapt to this culture, where everyone is miserable. I guess you adapt by being miserable, too.

 

[Powder]

Since this negative time, I feel better. I decided to go to the Dr. and start to taper off my Xanax. So far so good. I have had some headaches at about 5 pm, when the lower, non-extended release dose (half dose) has basically bottomed out. But even these are much better after a month. The mental clarity is worth it, and the dissociation seems less, too.

I am more tense, but I think it'll be fine.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Congratulations and way to go. Thank you for sharing this.

 

[Powder]

Unfortunately, I had new flashbacks on Sunday and it ruined my family's plans for a fun day together.

There were a lot of sensory aspects, smells, and body feelings (being choked) that were part of the flashback.

This passed, but I also switched to escape the flashback. I went into rapid switching into a 3 year old, untraumatized alter, and then a woman alter I have never "met" before and did not seem "me" and then into depersonalization, a state of catatonia, which lasted the whole time (a few hours?). The smell and sensation of being choked came back the next day (yesterday) when talking about the flashback, however, it passed quickly and I used my essential oils to push past it.

I felt weird all day though. I still do feel the dissociation.

I had to use my Clonidine 1/4 of a tablet the last two nights due to the flashbacks. If I don't, they can come back worse in the night.

I also got Shingles on my nose, which is odd because this flashback content was the worst with smell and nose trauma. :(

I used my Valtrex to treat that.

At the same time, yesterday, I am also dealing with a recurrent foot fungus and menstrual bleeding (usually I have none because I surgery for that) so the menstrual bleeding might be psychosomatic.

I'm trying to not let this ruin my holiday. But I do feel low now.

 

[Powder]

Also, I'm very stressed that my spouse has not found a job and may have an undiagnosed disorder.

I'm worried about his finding work in time before my contract ends. I do no know how to handle such financial stress when I am doing all I can, and then some.

I think he has OCD (undiagnosed, but his grandma had it, and I think his brother does as well) and a severe phobia as well as narcolepsy (diagnosed). If he finds out that he was all three disorders, I think he may qualify for disability but he doesn't want to apply. He wants to work, and he should. But I don't know how it works out for someone with this going on. In some ways, he's more functional than me, and other times, he is not functional at all and doesn't realize it, when he gets a sleep attack.

Yesterday, he couldn't find his ID in his wallet, etc. I got it for him.

We both have this problem from time to time, not recognizing what's in front of us. I wonder if that can happen due to fatigue.

But I am just afraid of what is going to happen to us. After the flashbacks, there is this sense of unease and that life as I know it is over or about to end. Lots of death fears, etc. involving everyone. Very hypervigilent, noticing minute details in the environment that I never saw before, etc.

 

[Powder]

My sister in law lost her baby and had to go into hospital, and just got out this week. She needed a blood transfusion.

I've had to cry several times. I sent her a new handbag from Amazon as a get well gift.

I had a very stressful evaluation that went fine, but I lost a lot of sleep the week prior to this last one. I am still really exhausted.

I had flashbacks today and found my 'Suicidal Little girl' alter/ego state. I got a phrase in my head:

"I have to kill myself to keep him from hurting me again."

This was a 'made thought' that just appeared out of nowhere as a thought-flashback that preceded the 'after the abuse' time flashback of crying and physical/emotional pain, followed by a suicide attempt flashback that followed that rape by my father in our home.

I was then in full flashback or she took over. I curled into fetal position, right hand protecting my face, and shaking. Then I was crying and getting ready to die. I decided, with the above thought. So I quieted myself and, I saw my old kitchen and house. It was real looking. I went to the kitchen and got the "big knife" and took it to the bathroom, where I stood shaking, holding it in my right hand. This was the only way I could think of. Plunging it into my chest with my right hand. My hand was shaking. I was afraid someone would walk in, that I'd do it, that I wouldn't do it. I think I was 5-6. I never know my age in those years; I was dissociated most of those years. They were really bad. I don't think I did anything other than have my right hand shaking and shivering. Now I understand why only my right hand shakes during most flashbacks. I get suicidal feelings after many rape flashbacks. Not after the drowning flashbacks. Then I get asthma.

I had to tell this scared little girl in me that we are safe now. I don't know if it helped, I don't know. I still feel very, very depressed and hopeless.

I'm having tons of physical pain! All night I couldn't sleep due to left knee pain shooting down the nerve from my back. Had to ask for an Alleve from my spouse. Woke at least 4 times in agony. Still in pain today, both legs. Major pain in chest (right) clavicle area and left low abdomen/groin (Very sharp, stabbing pain).

After all the flashback and crying, I talked it out with my spouse and ate, took a 1/4 clonidine, and drank water.

Still having brain fog, lots of physical pain, and depression/no energy. A red dot that looks like a red freckle just appeared under my left eye. It's really dark and ugly. I have no idea how it got there.

 

[Powder]

My husband says I always have flashbacks in January, Feb. and March, worse than the rest of the year. I maybe experienced most the truamas during winters.

 

[Powder]

So I've noticed a pattern.

-full dissociation of trauma and just work and future-ate
-full re-experiencing (pain) and dumping off the stress

Integration has been about keeping one foot in both worlds, past and present.

I'm having a hell of a time this month. Each day is getting more tense.

I feel like when you're on a swing just trying to hold on while the person behind you walks backwards.