A long two days. Stress cup maxed out Friday. Started switching into a different me at work.
Woke Saturday, expected to have a fun day out for birthday. Made plans.
After drinking coffee on the sofa, I suddenly felt overwhelming despair. I tried to distract from the feelings of dread and fear. Found I was USING MY LEFT hand instead of my right to type into the Roku romote, and was not having difficulty with that. Okay. Weird. Still feeling weird and bad. So I went to take a shower.
While showering, my hands washing my hair were suddenly my dad's hands washing me. I was suddenly a small child, crying at the floor of the shower. I felt like I was in Alice in Wonderland and became several times smaller. The shower felt enormous. This child who came forward began to sob. I was no longer in control.
My husband heard a child crying and came in and realized I was having a DID event. He turned off the water and put a towel over me, but I went total submission and turned into jelly, face down on the tile. I couldn't move or think.
Later, I came to and crawled out. But it gets fuzzy from there. The last thing I remember is crying for my mommy for a long time.
My h carried me to my bed. I was not able to walk. From there, I think I switched rapidly into other children, but today, I cannot remember yesterday, until I felt better and took a shower (again?) and came out and told my husband a vision I had. Spiritual vision. I can barely remember that.
Then, I thought I would be okay. Same thing today, drinking coffee, exactly the same, boom, sudden overwhelming despair and depression, and then I was a child again, having flashbacks about her (my) traumas. I was talking to my h about a feeling and then suddenly I was a child who was overwhelmed by that feeling remembering hiding in the dryer in the basement laundry room/bathroom while freaking out because I heard my little sister being abused by my dad in the next room. I was crying so hard and just sobbing her name. I said "I don't know if she will be dead when I come out of here." So I felt afraid to come out. I felt like a bad sister because I couldn't stop what they did to her. I heard her screaming and crying. I was apologizing to her and I felt broken. I still do.
Then, I switched into other alters. One I remember because she said "M" is having a flashback. When I switch, the alter is talking, then they have a body memory that I feel in my body. The feelings don't make sense every time. Sometimes I have to wait while my husband asks the alter what is happening, then the alter speaks and tells (us) what is happening.
In this case, the alter said "M" is having a flashback. And then I was reliving a rape in the basement. My dad decided to use a piece of wood to hit me in the right eye. The wood hit my eye, at the brow, splitting it and then slid down and broke my nose. The red-orange carpet that I guess we had down them got a bunch of blood on it. My mom somehow came down later and saw me on the floor covered in blood. I don't know if she knew I was raped also. But she put me in the hideabed down there and brought me a pbj sandwich. She knew my father had done it to me. They began to fight. I heard her crying and I heard him talking like an angry animal and hitting her. Later I heard her making dinner. I don't know if he left or went to his room.
My mom said I had to stay in the basement because nobody could see me like this or I'd be taken away. Not even my sister because she would talk?
So I was kept there for a week? 2 weeks? I was in and out of consciousness. I got very sick and had a sore throat. I missed over a week of school.
I longed to be at my grandparents' house. Then a mom from the school brought a school craft I apparently had made in Kindergarten before the rape/assault. I had then, and have now, no memory of making the craft. Although at the time, my mom after the lady left made a big deal about it. The lady said "I had made it for her for mother's day." However, like I said, it looked vaguely familiar. Although it didn't feel like "I" made it.
I assume I dissociated a lot at that time and just couldn't connect to the happy child who made it, as that was not me. I remembered when my dad got off me and left me with the broken nose. I was in pain but a tingly feeling came all over me when I thought "I am going to live!"
So I guess I thought he would kill me. I felt so relieved that I had survived. But this turned into despair at being imprisoned in the basement for a couple of weeks and getting really sick. I lost a lot of weight. Probably from 40 lbs to the 30's. I was pale. I was not allowed to come upstairs until my nose appeared "normal."
Nobody noticed that it had been broken and not reset.
I forgot about the abuse and only remembered being sick, as that is what my mom kept telling me happened. That I was just very sick.
I don't know if she sent my dad away for a week, if he went hunting, or if I just had to pretend that he wasn't there to survive that couple of weeks. For some reason, I can't tell if he was there or not. She said that I was getting better, and the lady dropped off my craft because it was going to be spring break the next week and they wanted me to get my craft before the break.
Because of this memory/flashback, I think this may be why I have anniversary reactions in March.
I seem to get bad around my birthday too and all this is coming up, lots of rapes this weekend, of both me and my sister with me having a panic attack about it, but unclear why me, why now.
I got super shaking and having twitches or mini seizures. This is a new low for me. I don't know about that. I also switched into a 9/12 year old, she said she was both 9 and 12. Go figure. And she was talking to another alter, a 3 year old girl begging to come out, and she was saying "NO." I don't remember everything she said, but she was trying to keep other alters who contained trauma memories from coming out. Another alter choked her and said "Just do your job." Which was to "babysit" the alters and keep them from coming to the front. By this time I was exhausted from hours of switching. No food or water. Much crying and freaking out and hyperventilating. Water made me feel like I'd vomit.
This was from about 8:30 am to 3 pm. About 3 pm, I was having trouble breathing, where you have to make yourself breathe because you can't do it automatically. So again, I made myself take a shower and pretend I was getting ready for work, which helps me activate my normal worker self. It took a while and I was shaky, but it got me going again.
Rough two days. I am not coping with the stress of my h's waiting on a job. We're down to the wire and I don't know how much more I can take. I feel like if this doesn't work out, I cannot live anymore.
