Around The Bend

[Candleflames]

Oh I'm so sorry you are having such a difficult time on vacation. You need to do some serious self care.

Let hubbie take care of unpacking and such while you do something relaxing. Maybe you could take a nice bubble bath or light some soothing incense while you curl up with a comforting book or soft candle light and some smooth music.

Take care of yourself.

 

[Powder]

I am still feeling so depleted. It's like, I don't feel in control of myself like I normally do. While on the trip, I kept finding that my decisions turned out to be incorrect and really jinxed. Everything, every decision I made was totally and absolutely WRONG, from the coffee I ordered to what to wear to which ride to go to next. The whole time, I was getting worn out because I literally had a run of the worst luck of my life.

The only decision that turned out well was to NOT trust anything I thought and do what my H. suggested, which always turned out great! Only, I am usually pretty sure about my choices, and this left me wondering who I actually am, then? I don't know!

I already know I'm the "planner" (theorist) and he's the "doer" (realist). Not to mention, I "get" the work of things, and he "gets" the fun and play of life. It's all in our horoscopes, too, plain as day. When it comes to fun, let the Gemini take control.

Taurus, just follow his lead.

However, this topsy-turvy reversal sent me into a confused tailspin. I have never felt so backwards and second-guessing myself. I feel that my vacation took away my whole sense of identity, and now I don't know who I am anymore. I feel less sure.

I hope this is a normal backing away from one's entrenched routine, and not some kind of mid-life (in the 30s) crisis. I hope it's a spiritual awakening, and that I'm not just "losing" more territory of sanity that I have left. I feel at war with myself, and I find myself totally doubting all my decisions and judgments (again).

I hate this feeling. I have lived my whole life being moved around, abused, and told who to be. I finally found an identity I could live with, and now going on vacation seems to have, magically, removed my sense of self.

Is this depersonalization?

 

[Powder]

And why did my H. trigger both my flashback breakdowns through something really trivial?

1. On the morning we left, I was very tired from packing, cleaning, and prepping lists the night before, ensuring I had everything in order. In the car, my H. disagreed that we hadn't done a certain stretch of highway. I had looked forward to the New Road. I literally had a breakdown for over an hour, in the car, in front of my kids (which I usually avoid direct exposure to my flashbacks by going in another room). I cried and hyperventilated, the whole panic attack thing. Not at all usual for me without a big trigger. I know I was tired, but COME ON! What happened? (I think he made me doubt myself)

2. On the 3rd day in the parks I had crashed from fatigue the night prior, being left with the kids the night before and my 4 year old tantruming in the park and making me doubt my ability to parent.
We were all tired. But day 3, I was so tired, I needed a strong 3-shot latte. I waited a long time in line at Starbucks, ordered a new drink that was terrible (Chai Mocha? What were they and I thinking?) and then handed to my H, who squeezed the cup a bit hard in his haste to go get the kids, and dumped half of the giant latte over my legs. My jeans were soaked with milk that was going to stink even worse in the heat. I had no other clean jeans left, and I had to leave again to change. He swore loudly and offered no apology in his frustration. (I just felt so flashbacked to my Dad from his anger and swearing, and so childlike with spilling--adults spill, too, but it evoked childhood dinners, when I was so nervous for the impending fights and attacks that would ensue that I usually could not chew properly, digest properly, or handle glasses, which I spilled a lot.)
I have no clue, again, how this insignificant of a trigger would hurt me so badly. I spent the day in body memories and shaking all over, cold.

Unlike at home, I couldn't remember my coping skills in this new environment (hot bath, drink water, talk to H.) and my family was gone and felt that enjoying time in the parks was more urgent. I felt really angry at my H. for not understanding how tired I was and for not making the trip more "normal" feeling or manageable for me. Even so, I know part of the responsibility is mine, I thought he'd be more help. He was already maxed trying to do school work online when not with us. He was distracted.

I took like 3 Ambien and let myself sleep it all off under anesthesia. Unlike myself, I did not take meds to the letter and didn't care if it hurt me. :( I was actually considering taking more or jumping off the roof. I felt like my family would be better off without me, permanently. I talked myself out of this stupid, emotional reaction. I just needed rest. The hours of day and night sleep helped the next day.

3. On the way back, same thing, way too tired and toddler running away and throwing tantrums, scaring me with her bad behavior at rest stops (ironically named). I was so tired that I could not sleep until 4 am.

So I see a pattern: I can go at this breakneck pace only for 48 hours, and then my system totally crashes into PTSD. Meds and such are no help.

I don't know how to take a vacation, now. They usually involve a pace I can't handle, especially as the organizer, and they usually last longer than 2 days.

Now I'm back home, I feel safer in my own home and sleep better. I'm using cooking, literally cooking new dishes every night, as therapy.

 

[Powder]

I have shingles (again).

Used to get them every end of August/Sept/October, every fall. Starting in grad school and ending with the new job, when I felt more grounded and self-reliant.

I also note that I got them coinciding with psychic distress, (My H says I tend to act like I'm "freaked out" every August) so I do understand and accept this in an anniversary of the Trama Time with the Big T, that I likely have PTSD from.

I also notice that I have this somatization on my neck, and also other neck issues, esophageal spasm, and strep throat.
In the past, I called it 5th Chakra Issues of Not feeling able to "speak up for myself" and I do accept that I have keep the abuse silent for 30 years, and have effectively hidden it away from myself for "my own good."

August:

The month of my father's birthday and likely a time of existential crisis for him that resulted in his shadow eclipsing his better nature, what little there is of that to hold it back. I never can retain his birthday in my memory. No matter how many times I tried to make myself remember the precise date, I cannot, and know that something inside me has decided not to remember. I suspect that I have associated it with the abuse, so whether or not the worst of the abuse occurred on or near his birthday, when he perhaps got drunk, and his shadow was vented out upon me, in my mind, it is somehow connected and must be blocked. Or it may be due to repressed hatred of him. Both? Either way, I accept now that I am not somehow selectively mentally retarded, but that I have a REASON for blocking it. Duh.

Nonetheless, during the years my girls resemble me when I was the age of the big Traumas, 4-5, I seem to not be able to avoid having these somatic renderings of the pain of the trauma.

The upshot of it is this feeling of "helplessness" and frozen energy stuck there in my throat. I also feel it, but much differently, when thinking of my father's father, Grandpa B's death. In this case, there is the crying that I deliberately held in during his funeral and upon hearing of his death. It has been stuck there (since age 9) also, but in a less Traumatic way. This stuckness feels more self-inflicted as a choice to bear a burden.

 

[The Albatross]

Very sorry to read Muse about the shingles, but you make some very solid connections to the somatization and psychic distress. I can relate to the 5th chakra issues... not feeling able to voice/speak up. I was blocked there for a long time. I think it was a somatization to the choking I experienced and body memories of those traumas.

Surely do hope you feel better soon gal.

 

[The Albatross]

... I see a pattern: I can go at this breakneck pace only for 48 hours, and then my system totally crashes into PTSD. Meds and such are no help.

Solid observation. Plan accordingly.

 

[Powder]

Watching Carl Jung documentary. A female speaker says that when we locate the "door" to the room of our consciousness, and find our shadow, we can shut the door to the collective shadow that brings the "gang mentality" vulnerability to what appears to be the Shadow that causes things like Genocide.

She said our personal shadow is knowable and is the "bridge" as it were to the
collective unconscious from whence comes archetypes and also the Shadow/Satan/Darkness of mankind that is ruthlessly evil.

Thus, I recall a dream in which I was in a well lit room of pale wood floors, and there were two little doors, the left of which opened and two half-dog/half-men (in both permutations) came forth in black/white or ying/yang combinations. They appeared dangerous/threatening to me. I used my mind to push them back into the door. But this exhausted me and I called upon the archangel Micheal to help me. He appeared at my right, tall and dressed in a coat of a rainbow of light. He helped me to push the 2nd dog in fully and close the door for now.

My mother and sister watched from my left. My sister understood what I was doing, but my mother (who is not gifted with psychological awareness) did not and was upset by it all.

I think that the two doors represent the personal shadow and the collective shadow, from whence archetypal energy flows in pairs of light/shadow. I was trying to prevent my personal shadow from becoming a bridge to the darkness and evil. I called upon the better angels of my nature and the values of good womanhood to assist me in this process.

Likewise, the video cited Jung saying that Freud disagreed with him about the unconscious. According to Jung, F. saw it as a store room for all that didn't get used or make sense to the consciousness. From there, it intruded upon the consciousness as neuroses. However, Jung departed in that he saw it as a ready-made matrix with a kind of order that gave the intrusions more logic and purpose. I don't fully understand.

 

[Powder]

Albatross,

By plan accordingly, I am thinking maybe to build in breaks for myself next time so that I have an "out" and rest periods. Yes, I think I was mad a myself for not doing this, and partly blaming my H. for not reminding me to do this.

Like I said, he was more than usually distracted starting online classes and trying to have as much fun as possible at the same time. :)

I do see a need to do more self preservation, self care, and alone time, plus date time together without the kids, to restore more balance. This, for both of us have the workaholic type of lifestyle, is going to take some changing in our thinking on a deep level.

Much love to you both...I so value your input and your personalities.

 

[The Albatross]

Great plan. I do build in breaks... into my schedule for the week. I keep a couple rigid, and a couple flexible now. If I am in a good place and can get by to the next break, I can skip the flex ones. But whether or not I think I can do it, I never skip the rigid ones.

My rigid ones now are Tuesday morning and Friday morning. My flex ones I pick out based on my work schedule and appointments or errands for that week. :hug:

 

[Powder]

That sounds very self-aware compared to how I have been living. It takes me by surprise when I don't cope. My H. and I talked about just now that my old "denial/dissociation/distraction" coping is no longer in my toolkit like it was. I wait for it to happen, and it does not. So I am left raw and exhausted with no new skills to try. I honestly have no concept of what I would do in a rest time. I do not know what you mean, actually. I should ask, then, what do you actually do? :) I have tried to rest, by taking a bath or getting a manicure, but, as I told my H. I feel some walls descend around me, and I cannot think, I forget and leave the water running until the bath is cold and ruined, or I get to the salon, and cannot bear the crowd and cannot think of allowing this to happen. I cannot want a color, I look at my hands and cannot imagine anything improving my emotion toward them (disgust) and suddenly this feels like a very bad idea altogether. It is as if someone else inside me puts a stop to it.

Thank you for helping me see that this is necessary now. He said "you are no longer in denial and have accepted what has happened to you, and then you are surprised that you can't repress it like you once did automatically." I think it sums it up.

I have not been able to feel happy, and I am angry at myself for not being able to force myself to be happy when I want to be. I have struggled to face my self-loathing, and to face my shadow. I am facing it now, and I truly find it hard to accept that I am an impulsive, interfering, thoughtless, tactless, uncaring, cold, unthinking, angry, hurt, depressed, ignorant, repressed, neurotic, manipulative, lying, self-satisfied jerk. But I am. Maybe it's just hard to be happy when one is facing one's shadow. ;)

As I read in Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning, "happiness cannot be pursued, but must ensue...". As a child, despite my trauma, happiness ensued often when I least expected it. As an adult, I over-intend and try to control so much, plan so much, that it actually makes it more difficult to be happy (on cue). It actually ensures that I will not be happy. And I only seem to practice and know the happiness of making others happy and trying to live vicariously in their happiness, as I have completely lost touch with my own happy place. I must find it, but I have no idea where I left it, and I HATE looking for things!

For instance, I can go into stores, and I manage my anxiety. I tend to buy something for everyone, but I usually CANNOT buy anything for myself. Usually, when I try to, I feel the walls come down, and I cannot know if I like something, in fact, I hate everything and become angry and leave feeling empty-handed.

H. says we haven't exercised in a while. Maybe that would help a bit. I am feeling almost unraveled and unhinged. PMS. I have surgery next month to control excessive bleeding. And it will render me infertile. Facing this, has changed my perspective on having periods and being a woman. No control over body, it could be pregnant against my will, and has. It could stop bleeding according to my will, but then I cannot have a baby.

It would be great if I could just "go with the flow" a bit here at this stage of life. ;) Resistance is futile. :)

 

[The Albatross]

What to do in a rest period. Um. Well, for me that varies some. It could be a nap or snuggle time with my most devoted dog or a lap full of cats. It could be picking up a boxed lunch and eating at home or at a park. It could be going for a walk with or without one of the dogs at a park or the beach. It could be a cup of herbal tea, sunshine and a good book. Sometimes it's reading. Most always it is not answering the phone unless it's my mister. All other calls can be returned afterward. Occasionally it's a movie or some of the sillier shows. I like Too Cute, Silent Library or will go on youtube and look up Japanese or Asian game shows because they are often funny or strange enough to make me smile. I will re-read stuff from my diary or write in my diary at times. Sometimes I linger online (did that last Friday). It doesn't have to be rest exactly, it just needs to be less stimulating than direct contact with other people for me. Sitting quietly in the yard or looking out the window and just breathing or being still can be rest. I do that too.

So far as "Happiness cannot be pursued, but must ensue..." I think I disagree somewhat. When I found and did the 21 day Happiness Advantage and took the challenge a couple of times. Happiness didn't exactly ensue, but the way I was scanning for opportunities changed and my baseline mood starting point did change. I do have more happy and even a bit of joy at times. I didn't have that before. The higher range emotional states were beyond me for a long time.

Exercise is a good substitute for the oxygenation and endorphins to improve mood. But since you're due to have surgery next month, perhaps you can start practicing quieter self nurturing pursuits until after you get the all clear post surgical.

Perhaps some self examination can reveal why you initiate self nurturing things but blip out and don't follow through.

I had to have a hysterectomy at 40 for a condition that left me barren. But was already diagnosed "unexplained infertility" twice before that. I had one pregnancy at 20 but miscarried. That had a big impact on me for a while. But I found other ways to fill the nurture void that being childless can leave.

Control though and the need to control... creates stress. The idea of rest times is the zen concept of just "being" in the moment and staying present. Practice, patience, persistence and perseverance. When you begin getting moments of "staying present during rest" you can build up momentum and improve on them. Meditation is difficult for me because of my ADD/ADHD as well as PTSD brain. But learning breath work is something I could do.

Just some thoughts that might guide you to some ideas of your own.

 

[Powder]

Thanks, Albatross! I think I could also do the dog and cat time because I do feel that it releases something, maybe oxytocin. It helps me feel more mellow at alright for the time being. So does gardening. Winter is hard for me as no yard work other than scraping snow off the driveway. I do like walking, with dog or not.

I have not found out why I am not able to follow through on the self care I try to do. It's like I leave and go to do it, but when I arrive at the destination, I cannot agree internally to do it. I think I need to take this into therapy, and even feel resistance internally for doing that. Old coping stuff takes over. I have to figure out what is happening on the less conscious levels when this is going on.