General As Angry As The Sufferer?

[Bilby]

I feel as though I have developed anger at a level that my husband seems to have - and he is the one who suffers PTSD, not me. I never used to be an angry person so this disturbs me and I really don't like who I have become. If nothing else, being angry all the time is tiring and it sure as hell isn't making life any easier.

I have depression and anxiety and am on medication for that and see a psychiatrist regularly, but this anger is just something else. I really feel as though the way I behave sometimes, is the way he behaves - the very things I feared or disliked and desperately wanted to change and had no real understanding of what they were about - are who I now am? How can that be right?

I admit - I feel angry at the PTSD. I'm angry at 'it' for ruining lives - our lives. I don't feel very positive about the future because of it and have no idea how to turn my head around so I'm facing the right direction, i.e. moving forwards, not backwards with my life. I am trying to start here with this forum so that I can educate myself more about PTSD and I do realise how little I understood about it.

 

[discarded]

Hi Bilby. I too became an extremely angry person due to my frustrations with my husband's failure to accept his diagnosis and do something about it. I knew what PTSD was but was extremely ignorant as to how it can affect the sufferer. It annoyed me that he was willing to take the monetary compensation for his illness but was not prepared to get treatment. When my husband gets angry or stressed he generally withdraws, me on the other hand got loud. Not the best thing to do when dealing with a sufferer as I have learned. The final cruncher came when my husband labelled my outbursts as abusive. I didn't want to admit that I had become that way. I felt ashamed of what I allowed myself to become. I thought I was dealing with everything much better than I was. That is when I sort counselling for myself. I also decided it was time to give our relationship of 28 years a break and moved out. He didn't try to stop me. I don't know where we will end up, but for now the triggers for my anger have been removed and I am sure he is appreciating the quiet also.

I need to learn to like myself again and forgive myself for my mistakes. I need to make sure I can handle my anger better than I have in the past. It is only him that my anger was directed at, but I am starting to realise that it is the PTSD I am angry for what it has done to the man I love and happy life.

Don't judge yourself too harshly, you have recognised that you do not like your behaviour, you are now on the way to being a better person.

 

[amethist]

Dont judge yourselves too harshly, I think most supporters hit the anger point sometime.

You now have to look past that and see it for what it is. It is anger at the PTSD, at the situation it has put you in, anger at it destroying what you had and literally tearing your soul apart.

It is hard but once you get past it, then you can rebuild your lives again. Look at what now is and what you can build on, and try to let what has past go.

Learning to love your sufferer as they are now is not easy, but it is possible if you can work together.

 

[Bilby]

Discarded - my husband tends to withdraw a lot too. It feels as though he doesn't participate in anything. In relation to parenting, he has a reason for why this is - i.e. I have been too restrictive in relation to my children from my 1st marriage and he feels that he cannot step-parent effectively (I however believe he is too harsh and can be very unrealistic with his expectations - perhaps we both need to learn to compromise but I admit I find this hard and I do tend to get very protective of my kids), and he has said some things that I seem to be unable to forget in relation to my two eldest children. I'm not a fan of living in the past, but in some respects, I seem to be doing it and not letting go of things that have been said in anger (yet I have been guilty of saying nasty things in anger too - I'm certainly not an angel). It's not healthy for me to dwell on these negative things that have been said but I find it hard not to.

I should point out, he is however, a very doting Dad to our son - to see them together really is quite a joy.

In relation to not participating in anything else, there is always a reason for this too - he is studying (this is a valid point, if this is actually what he is doing at the time), looking something up, or he just doesn't answer me at all if I ask him what he's up to (in a conversational way - to try and just chat, you know, as couples do?!). Otherwise, he will go and put himself to bed, or have his head in a book if it's not the computer.

In direct contrast to him removing himself from myself and the kids and using the computer/reading/sleeping instead, I however get loud, as you mentioned you did. I have to say, this is unlike me - I have never been a loud person, or a person to get angry. Depression/anxiety certainly cause me a lot of distress but not in the form of anger - but the past six or so months, anger seems to be my primary emotion and it's horrible. I find that at times I direct it towards my children too - it's like I see them about to do something I know may upset my husband and I get grumpy at them before they've done it, or they do it and I get grumpy at them for having done it when the 'former me' would not have done - it's like I have become him in so many ways, rather than brushing off or trying to ignore some of his hypervigilance in relation to danger etc. I get the "shouty Mummas" as I call them and really, it's hardly an effective means of communicating anything, to anyone, let alone kids. I don't like the 'shouty' or 'angry' me. I much prefer the former me - the one who felt happier, lighter, and who felt satisfied with how she parented and felt loved and respected in her relationship.

The past few days, I have also begun to feel some kind of numbness - as though I have so much to process, so much to learn, so much to do, to be... that I feel that I cannot feel?! So many conflicting emotions.

Sorry, this is all a bit 'woe is me' isn't it?

 

[Bilby]

Amethist - thank you. I hope that we can somehow take stock of what we have and move forward too. It seems like it will be difficult, but hopefully manageable and well worth the effort :)

 

[discarded]

Thanks for your reply Bilby. I don't like the angry loud me either and have been working hard to make sure this pattern does not continue. I feel a lot of relief just by opening up and being honest on this forum.

 

[LilacFaerie]

Bilby, my god, I could've written your initial post. I too have turned into this nasty, bitchy, cynical woman who doesn't have a whole lot of patience left for anything or anyone. Exactly how my husband is now. (and kinda was before too....the ptsd just exacerbated it). I actually had a coworker tell me the other day that people were afraid of me, that I was "unapproachable" and mostly in bad moods all week at work. I was stunned - I knew I was angry, but I thought I had done a good job of hiding it at work. I complain and mutter under my breath, but I've never been outwardly nasty with the one who has told me all of this.

My emotional issues came out in other ways.....like procrastination and that numb feeling talked about above. I didn't want to do a lot....it took all I had to focus on a single project and I took numerous emotional "time-outs" along the way. My work has suffered. But no one there wants to hear about my problems....they say they "have problems too" and I'm using the PTSD of my spouse as an excuse to be lazy. This hurt me very deeply to the point of wanting to quit. I know I don't need the added stress of caring so much about what other people think of me, but I have to work with these people and it's very difficult to do, knowing how they feel about my situation now.

Ugh. I wish I could just crawl in a hole sometimes, and come out in another century.

 

[Bilby]

Ugh. I wish I could just crawl in a hole sometimes, and come out in another century.

Yeah, I get that sometimes too!

 

[LizardViolet]

We should all click on over to one of the other Supporter threads where there is a long list of studies that suggest that supporters of loved ones with PTSD often start to have similar symptoms. Like anger, and numbness. It's Supporter Dealing with PTSD Symptoms > Is Dealing with a Sufferer Sending You Bonkers? It Might Be (posted by AS1975 on November 26 of this year).

 

[LilacFaerie]

Thank you for the reference point. I will look it up tonight.

 

[Bilby]

I haven't read all of the articles in that post yet, but what I have read, is very interesting. It's certainly worth a look.