Ashamed of Self-Harming Again

[Overcoming]

Uggghhhhhh..... I'd gone a long time, at least 4-5 months without self-harming and found myself in a terrible depression the other night during which it felt like the only means of relief. In therapy, and not looking forward to owning up to it at my next session. The therapist asks every time whether or not I've done it. I don't want to admit it, but I also don't think lying is helpful and I won't do that. I feel so ashamed for some reason. Maybe because I thought I should have been past this. Can anyone relate?

 

[osiris]

Hey @Overcoming sorry you’re having a tough time.

Totally relate. You are not alone.
I think it is natural to feel shame over returning to self harm, but you should remember that when you did it that was you in that moment doing the best you could.

When I self harm it means I am actually trying damn hard to hold on and keep a grip on reality. Is it helpful in the longterm, no probably not, but in that moment it gets me through.

Please try and focus on the positive - you’d done 4-5 months without, which means you can do that again. Maybe you are learning skills to look after yourself better, or you have found a better stable head zone, but you did it somehow.
There will be days when it seems impossible and days where you feel like you are going backwards, but every day without harming yourself is a triumph.

Be gentle with yourself.
Be honest with T if you can - you might want to talk to them about the issue of not wanting to tell them, as that might be a whole area connected to shame that you need to look at?

 

[pamcoco]

When I self harm it means I am actually trying damn hard to hold on and keep a grip on reality. Is it helpful in the longterm, no probably not, but in that moment i

I totally relate as well and really agree with osiris. For me self harm is the release that prevents me from going further with SI. It gives me a relief I know many don't understand but it is the best decision in the moment.

be kind to you!