Ashamed

[The Albatross]

I was using my shame and guilt as a form of procrastination. Of course there was more to it, the anxiety and fear. Basically I didn't have to risk anything if I didn't make a choice or take an action in any direction. It was killing me. Scary as it was, I had to break the isolation by trying to trust someone else. Guess what, it got easier.

What did somebody say about a journey of a thousand miles starting with a single step? And the other one is if you don't like where you are MOVE.

 

[Reclusive]

I can't move again. I just can't. I've moved 4 times in last 13 months and most my nightmares involve having to move. I like where I am, though - it's far away from my family, so I don't have to worry about running into them or anything.

I know I'm totally wussing out here, and I feel like a dolt.

 

[The Albatross]

No no no, my apologies. I meant, move as in pick a direction and start taking the actions necessary to initiate a change. In this case it would be developing support and a friendship . Don't feel like a dolt, I'm tired and it's my fault.

 

[Reclusive]

Oh, that makes so much more sense. No faults, I don't do that.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I think that's a great idea, Zombie Squirrel!
BloomInWinter - I think a big part of it is that I can't share with my family. If not them - who?

I know just how that is!

I STILL have no safe, trustworthy, healthy person in my 'DNA Family' but over the years, I've finally made a 'family of friends'...though it would be nice to have someone, thankfully NOT essential to my recovery.

May you find yours, too...

 

[BloomInWinter]

I will say that the 'moving' thing is known as a 'geographical cure' in 12 Step Programs, and like most, I had to learn for myself that I always pack my pain with me...and my reactions.

Thankfully, I was lucky enough to finally begin learning that developing boundaries isn't landing on another planet...one day your're on Earth and the next, Jupiter...instead, it truly is just gentle adjustment of our sails & rudder that, over time, steer us to healthier shores.

I am NEVER allowing anyone to MAKE ME MOVE EVER EVER AGAIN...I deserve to be here JUST as much as they do!

Over time, I have learned through practice some basic skills now to keep myself and my family safe.

I'm NOT talking active physical threat here....THAT is a totally different level of help required and that, I would do anything to get to a safe place. But I can finally tolerate being around the people I don't care for and hold my boundaries. ...and learn to confront boundary violations as they occur.

Am SO glad things have gotten that much better...I hadn't thought about it but now am glad my life is so different.

 

[The Albatross]

:O_o:

 

[BloomInWinter]

:O_o:

Not always! Or even...er...well, it was true for me but those were moves I 'chose' even though I didn't feel like it at the time.

But I wasn't in a job that required it, either...

 

[Reclusive]

Well, my brother and I have been getting closer, so maybe someday I'll be able to tell him what I've been going through. At the same time, he went through some of the same stuff I did and I worry about him a lot because of it. But it feels like he's my only family.

My dad wants logos for his company so he sent me a message today. Ignored my messages to him, but of course, the second he wants something... and I don't think I'll ever be able to tell him. He thinks psychology is fiction and people who believe it are wussies, which might be where a part of my shame comes from.

 

[BloomInWinter]

He thinks psychology is fiction and people who believe it are wussies, which might be where a part of my shame comes from.

...or, like my dad, maybe he's not strong enough - LIKE YOU ARE - to accept that mental illness and injury is real...because then he'd have to find the courage to look at his OWN stuff. ...and by just denying it, well, easy to dismiss it then.

Doesn't make our dads right. We're the HEALTHY ones, #$!#@#!!!!! IT!!

(((((Reclusive)))))))))

 

[Reclusive]

Oh, you're totally right, BloomInWinter (I love your name)! He has so much crap that he's never dealt with and he buries himself in his work to escape from it. He's been on and off antidepressants himself, so I imagine some corner of his brain realizes that he's wrong. In fact, when he told me psychology was fiction he was on the antidepressants and would bum a xanax off me on occasion.

 

[Abrasky]

...or, like my dad, maybe he's not strong enough - LIKE YOU ARE - to accept that mental illness and injury is real...because then he'd have to find the courage to look at his OWN stuff. ...and by just denying it, well, easy to dismiss it then.

I really wonder if you have a parent that believes that mental illness is a sign of weakness or a sign that you are a troublemaker(in my case) if that effects your shame later on.