Asking For What I Need

[hushhush]

Had therapy today. At the end of the session my therapist pointed out that I have trouble asking for what I need. And she's right.

When it's from someone who reminds my brain of the trauma it's like I freeze. I can't bring myself to be "under their control" by asking. So I don't ask. Just thinking about asking increases my sense of not being safe.

Of course this becomes a real problem when what I'm asking for isn't just a want it's a need. Also how can someone help me if I'm not communicating to them what I need?

Anyone else experience this? Any tips to move through it?

 

[RavenGirl]

I understand exactly where you're coming from! My husband is great, I trust him and he's never hurt me. I tremble and shake, I cry, and have a mini panic attack when I have to ask him for an emotional need... I talked to my T about that just today. For me it has to do with being vulnerable. Leaving myself open to be hurt, showing my vulnerable side is painful for me. It takes me right back to my childhood when being vulnerable meant being hurt and abused mentally, physically, psychologically, and sexually. I was also ignored by my parents, not protected, so it's terrifying for me. The only thing we can do is to ask for what we need, other wise we won't get it. I'm told it gets easier over time. :unsure:

 

[hushhush]

It's the same for me. I wasn't given what I needed in childhood even when I begged for it. The message I got was that being vulnerable is painful and doesn't get me anywhere.

Now let me say I'm fine with being vulnerable but when it comes to asking for what I need from someone who triggers me it's impossible. My brain won't let me do it.

 

[RavenGirl]

when it comes to asking for what I need from someone who triggers me it's impossible. My brain won't let me do it.

I totally understand that. I wouldn't be able to either, nor would I be able to be vulnerable with them. Can I Ask why you have to ask someone who triggers you for something you need?

 

[hushhush]

That question is opening a huge can of worms. So I'll get to keep it simple:

I need to ask for money from someone to be able to afford therapy. Mind you they already said they would give it to me. It's the asking after they said they would give it that is too much for me. There's a lot of control/power stuff going on.

 

[RavenGirl]

Aaahhh, I understand. If you won't owe them your first born then take a deep breath and ask. The most they can say is no. I do understand where you are coming from though. I wouldn't want to do it either. I'm looking from the point of your health and getting better. Good luck.

 

[blacksands]

My therapist and I actually has this same exact discussion recently. I am still learning how to "ask what I need" but I suppose for me, due to my experience I am so used to coming second, that now as an adult I never realized I was basically not having my needs met & neglecting myself.

This is particularly important in my marriage, so I'm trying to get better at telling my husband things, even if it feels awkward or silly. it's not fair, to have my husband play the guessing game and try to figure out what I need or what's wrong, if I'm not communicating.

 

[halflifeguy]

I never realized I was basically not having my needs met & neglecting myself.

Blacksands, thanks for posting. This is a revelation for me, and it's 100% true in my case... and I'm still figuring out what I need.

 

[halflifeguy]

When it's from someone who reminds my brain of the trauma it's like I freeze. I can't bring myself to be "under their control" by asking. So I don't ask.

Hushhush,

I get the freezes too, less than I used to but always if there's a chance of confrontation or stress. I think it helped realizing these people aren't a threat, in fact if they would measure up as pathetic compared to what I've survived.

Are the people you freeze with physically reminding, their body language, what is the trigger Thinking through what exactly is triggering can give to something to focus on overcoming.

Can you explain what you mean when you talked about being under thier control. Is that something you want or avoiding?

 

[barefoot]

Yes, this is a challenge for me too. I often find it difficult to even know what I need. Then, once I know, actually expressing it to someone...? Yeah, I'm not very good at that...! Doesn't need to be someone who relates to/reminds me of trauma though - it's basically asking anyone!

I don't like feeling needy. And I don't like other people behaving in a "needy way" with me. My therapist once asked me something like,"Is it that you don't want to feel needy or that you don't want to accept that you have needs?" I didn't know how to answer that - still don't - and it was a bit of a tumble weed moment...but I think she was pointing to an important distinction...

I'm afraid I don't have any tips. I think, for me, actually identifying my needs, which probably needs connecting to my whole self (body, mind, feelings, spirit) better is the right first step... And I think the expressing them part....maybe that's tied up with boundaries, which have become a big focus for me... So, setting clear boundaries about what I need/want, finding my "no", expressing when things aren't ok, feeling able to ask for help... I suppose it's also about believing I deserve those things...I deserve to have my boundaries respected, I deserve to receive support etc...?

I don't know... Sorry, this was really just a "yes, me too" post - no advice to share, I'm afraid. But this sounds like something you and your therapist can work on together to make some progress. Good luck! And do post if you learn any tips! :-)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

There was a time in my life when I did not know what I needed or wanted. I would not ask others for help.

Many, many years later I am knowing what I need and want and with trusted people who are safe in my life I can ask them for help, I am careful and cautious but I now can reach out and ask for help and support.