Can you rephrase that? I think what you are asking is, is the recipient of passive-aggressive communication projecting that communication style rather than it being the mode of communication actually being used?
I don't think being passive-aggressive, passive, aggressive, or assertive have anything to do with personality disorders (except that certain styles might be more popular among sufferers of some personality disorders). I think that these are the spectrum of communication styles, especially modes of dealing with conflict, and that all of these are employed by everyone at one time or another, and sometimes they are all called for, but that maintaining a baseline assertive mode of communication is the gold standard for tackling conflict in the most productive, constructive way possible.
Let's say my co-worker said they would take out the trash, and then they did not.
Aggressive: "Take out the f*cking trash!"
Passive: "I'll take out the trash."
Passive-aggressive: "I guess I'll take out the trash for you again."
Assertive: "I notice that I often take out the trash. When you say you'll take out the trash without acting on it before the end of shift, I feel obligated to do it. Today you said you would take it out. Will you please do that?"
[Please note: I'm really working on assertiveness. I had to re-write the above assertive example at least ten times, and I still don't know if it's exactly right. It's my best shot, though. I fall back on passive-aggression all the time, and it is very difficult for me to erase it from my communication. In the sentence above, most of my original drafts were just reeeeally subtle versions of something passive-aggressive. It's hard work! :)]
You can see that the mode of communication that most efficiently seeks to explain and reach a resolution to the problem is the assertive one. The aggressive one certainly gets the point across, but it doesn't get to the heart of the issue (you feeling obligated to do it, therefore becoming frustrated enough to be aggressively demanding), and while it may solve the problem, it isn't a good manner in which to communicate in a genuine fashion. It's more like winning an imaginary game than solving a problem that is recurring: "Hah, NOW you're taking it out!" rather than "I'm glad we addressed this issue."
In response to the above comment, which just popped up, I disagree that it isn't worth it to put in the effort with those who are passive-aggressive and won't change in many, though definitely not all, circumstances. The thing is, tit-for-tat, I am a strong believer that if you can maintain an assertive mode of communication when faced with less productive communication styles, the person using other communication styles will eventually hang themselves with their own rope.
I
do agree that it can
feel futile when you are arguing with someone who has all the power in the end, and it could be harmful to your situation to do this sort of communicative dance. If the person you are in conflict with is likely to resort to physical violence or has influence over your grades, job, housing, etc., it's probably not worth pursuing as an issue, but in a situation where, say, you're in a meeting and this happens with a peer, you have a bunch of people around who witness that you are being reasonable and the other party is responding inappropriately.
The funny thing is, I notice when you rattle someone's cage by confronting them using assertive skills, they will ramp up with whatever their preferred style is. In the case of aggression and passive-aggression, the escalation of these styles into ever-wilder statements starts to make them look very silly, because assertive communication is all about self responsibility and rationale, whereas A and P/A are based on somehow bringing down the other person in some way.
Oy... I think I could seriously use this group you're going to,
@UniversalBeing! I would love to have such an opportunity to dissect this with a committed group and to practice scenarios. I could really use it. :p
Edited: because I had to edit the passive-aggression out of my supposedly assertive example
again! :eek:
