So if we were sitting around talking about our childhoods I would probably tell you that mine was pretty normal, how crazy is that, as I am just starting to realize that it was far from that. Where to begin, I guess chronologically.
So from the ages of birth until 13 I lived in the same apartment in an upscale middle class neighborhood. However during that period the following happened;
1. I was sexually molested by an adult family friend between 10-12. I never told my parents or anyone else for that matter in 47 years. I actually never really thought about it but it has been in my subconscious. Recently I have been suffering from severe depression and am having flashbacks that are not so good. What I have come to realize is that this person was a Pedophile and molested me and took pics. In my flashbacks which my mind will only let me see for a split second I believe I am drugged.
2. At about 10 or 11 my mother tried to kill herself
3. At 13 my parents got divorced
At 13 I moved in with my father and moved to another state where I started 9th grade. About a year later we moved to another state and 2 years later another. So, I went to 3 different high schools in 3 states.
During the ages of 13-18 I used drugs recreationally but heavily. I had my first sexual experience when I was 13, she was 17.
At 17 my Dad moved out of the country while I had 3 months of 11th grade left. I finished 11 grade in the states living in a rented room near the school. I joined my Dad out of the country for 2 years. He has moved back to the states for work in the middle of 12th grade and me and my brother (4 years older) lived on our own for the next 18 months moving about 8 times.
I give this background for easier understanding. My situation was not perfect but so much better than others. But I can't help but wonder what has all this done to me. Here are some things I think.
1. I have no friends and am bad at making them
2. I lack empathy but at the same time I do care about others
3. I am very bad at coping with bad situations I kind of shut down
4. I am very secretive, even about small things
5. Part of what has me depressed is the realization that I always thought I had a chance but now I am thinking so many of the bad things that have happened to me and choices I have made where sort of preordained.
Wow there is so much more, but this is a start.
So from the ages of birth until 13 I lived in the same apartment in an upscale middle class neighborhood. However during that period the following happened;
1. I was sexually molested by an adult family friend between 10-12. I never told my parents or anyone else for that matter in 47 years. I actually never really thought about it but it has been in my subconscious. Recently I have been suffering from severe depression and am having flashbacks that are not so good. What I have come to realize is that this person was a Pedophile and molested me and took pics. In my flashbacks which my mind will only let me see for a split second I believe I am drugged.
2. At about 10 or 11 my mother tried to kill herself
3. At 13 my parents got divorced
At 13 I moved in with my father and moved to another state where I started 9th grade. About a year later we moved to another state and 2 years later another. So, I went to 3 different high schools in 3 states.
During the ages of 13-18 I used drugs recreationally but heavily. I had my first sexual experience when I was 13, she was 17.
At 17 my Dad moved out of the country while I had 3 months of 11th grade left. I finished 11 grade in the states living in a rented room near the school. I joined my Dad out of the country for 2 years. He has moved back to the states for work in the middle of 12th grade and me and my brother (4 years older) lived on our own for the next 18 months moving about 8 times.
I give this background for easier understanding. My situation was not perfect but so much better than others. But I can't help but wonder what has all this done to me. Here are some things I think.
1. I have no friends and am bad at making them
2. I lack empathy but at the same time I do care about others
3. I am very bad at coping with bad situations I kind of shut down
4. I am very secretive, even about small things
5. Part of what has me depressed is the realization that I always thought I had a chance but now I am thinking so many of the bad things that have happened to me and choices I have made where sort of preordained.
Wow there is so much more, but this is a start.
