Relationship At A Loss For Words. Is This It?

[BusyBee]

For those of you that have read my story, thank you for giving me support and advice as one of the many newcomers here. Right now I feel I need the most support/insight/guidance in quite some time.

For those needing the sparknotes...
I love a dear friend of mine. Former Iraq combat vet (special ops). Rocky trust and poor previous relationships (very very few "serious" gfs)...parents suffered from infidelity (mom strayed) but managed to forgive/work it all out. I know this has taken a toll on him some way or another (it also happened when he was deployed=unknowing).

Anyways since 2013, we've had the ups and downs...breaks of separation of varying degrees...the standard cycles. But now I'm completely lost. Around Thanksgiving we were communicating differently, more candidly...I feel progress. My therapist provides praise and confirmation. He and I go from talking about new birth control options (a form of communication intimacy I was glad to share together), to him going "I don't want to date anyone, I don't want emotional attachment, or strings attached. I don't like when you manipulate me."

To then wishing me bright and early Christmas morning, "Merry Christmas [Busybee]!"

Post Christmas, reaching back our and saying he would "love to hang out." This is they day he got back from visiting his family for the holiday...back to reiterating he doesn't want to date anyone etc...to the minute he sees walk through the door embraces me and is cuddling me on the couch talking with me for some time. Then there were the simple, heart felt kisses, holding hands, eventually more intimacy and me staying. The next morning showering me with more kisses and holding my hand in bed. All this after he went dark prior to Christmas.

Granted I had my concerns (See last post: Self Medicating?)...but I still was convinced nonetheless that I had a place in his heart. In his life.

New Year's Eve rolls around, quiet. Withdrawn and dark again. But I kept myself busy, got sick over my winter break, and then school began again. I reached out earlier this past week to let him know I was excited for the weekend, I would be going with friends to a sporting event. Weekend getaway. Change of scenery. I knew his work would be there, working the event and I wanted there to be "no surprises" (he doesn't care for those much so I've learned). He gets back to me within a day or two agreeing "right on!" then mentioned he'd likely be busy with work. I understand and return to my life.

Over the weekend we socialized some, I was relieved and happy at the same time..Mainly because I knew his new friends/work associates would be there and I wasn't sure (as I've never formally met them) how everything would play out. He recently moved to my area. We used to be long distance.

Over the weekend we hugged twice in public and talked one on one for awhile...he came and stood by me for some of the game while I was with some friends...he was photographing...I didn't think anything of this all...but then today in response to the text I sent yesterday asking how his work crew's drive back to town was...

"Hey [Busybee] I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I'm going to be seeing other people. I appreciate our friendship but I don't think you understand that's all it can be. Sorry."

I didn't get this message until over an hour later, as I was busy, but I tried to call. No answer. I text asking if we could talk momentarily as friends and for clarity....

And all I have is silence.

This isn't the first time he's tried to push me away. I've heard the "you're better off with someone that can appreciate you and wants to be with you...it's dangerous...we shouldn't be romantic anymore..." And I could list more but I'm sure you get the idea. Each time, he always comes back and even if say I consider enforcing the no romance, he insists otherwise or it just happens naturally.

Am I completely stupid? Naive?
Have I been being used all this time (it sure as hell never felt like it)? How has he gone from declaring non commitment to stating he's going to see other people in MAYBE 3 weeks time? What happened? Part of me wants to laugh hysterically and am like "it's ok, it's just another part of the cycle." to "have fun with that! They aren't going to put up with your BS" to "It's a test." to "Is this truly how it ends?"

I thought we had something special. I didn't imagine it.

Help me.

 

[arfie]

My word for it would be, "Boundaries." Every relationship needs them, right down to the molecular level. As the relationship evolves, the boundaries need to evolve with the relationship. Yes, it can be painful. After 34 years with my husband, it still hurts at times, but it is worth it. I accept it as "just" part of the price of continual growth, both individually and within the relationship.

Gentle support while you sort what it is for you, BusyBee.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I'm making an assumption that you want people who have PTSD to help you understand your friends behavior. So I will tell you that how he has been is exactly the same shit I've put many kind men through. Approach-avoid. It cycles back and forth and believe it or not, I have always been the one to end my relationships. The one I didn't end easily was an abusive monster. I move to the city, then to the country, then back to the city, never feeling settled. I think that is an important factor, not feeling settled in any part of life. I lack the ability to trust my emotions, or at times even the ability to name my emotions. I react-flight or fright or fight. The only relationships I trust is the one I have with my children. That doesn't mean my erratic behavior hasn't frustrated them, I know that it has.

At the same time I am fleeing strong emotions, I am beating myself up for not having any self esteem or the ability to be genuinely intimate with a man. These characteristics, I've been told by therapists, is a direct and expected result of trauma. When he says you'd be better off without him? He really believes that and it's not because of anything YOU have done, but is his internal chaos trying to slow down the spinning in his head and heart. Even my closest friends don't know my story. They know I have a story, just no details. I'm sorry it has brought you so much instability. I spend a lot of energy planning my escapes. My ex husband said I am only happy if I have a crisis to solve. And if there was no crisis at hand, I'd create one.

PTSD seeps into every aspect of life. I am making progress with my current therapist who specializes in trauma. He got me to take yoga and reiki as a way to heal the mind/body split. I am better standing my ground during conflicts instead of running away.

I'm sure your friend wishes his life were settled and that he could fully commit. He's got more work to do from the sounds of it. Best wishes to you and please believe him when he says it's not you. It's PTSD.

 

[scout86]

@KwanYingirl said it exceptionally well.

It seems like one of the challenges with PTSD is that a person, from the outside, can look pretty "normal", and yet their actual view of reality can be pretty "different".

I don't know what's going on with him. It's easy for me to believe he's NOT been playing you, he's just having that much trouble doing the relationship thing. Which suggests he needs to do more work on himself before he can do a relationship justice. And maybe this ls event means he's figured that out. Maybe it IS another part of the cycle. In that case, you're going to have to decide, yourself, how long you want that to go on. And then talk to him about it, someday when you're both calm and not stressed out.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the last text may actually be THE break up text. To me it sounds different than the other times he's pushed you away. You're also running up against the issue of not ever knowing for sure if the break up is actually a break up or if its merely a demand for space as you have been conditioned over the last year or so to believe that he is always going to come back, no matter what he says or does. I realized this with one of the guys I was seeing awhile ago. I would push him away, then come back, push him away, then come back. He always assumed I'd come back, until one day I didn't. He never believed that the break up stuff was an actual break up, and to this day, SIX MONTHS LATER he still thinks I'll come back to him.

I think you want that last text to be all about the push/pull of a PTSD relationship......But it very well may not be. I know you like this guy, but where are your boundaries? I think you may have to accept this one at face value as he's going out with other women now.

 

[Sweetpea76]

"Hey [Busybee] I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I'm going to be seeing other people. I appreciate our friendship but I don't think you understand that's all it can be. Sorry."

That sucks @BusyBee. I guess you have to ask yourself that if he is going to see other people, are you going to wait on him while he does it? Where is your boundary? Sometimes you have to support yourself first.

 

[BusyBee]

Hi everyone. @KwanYingirl
Yoga and meditation have revolutionized my life the past year, so I can totally see that. It's helped me so much through these ups and downs, plus other personal matters (anxiety & depression). I have yet to try reiki, though I have friends that are certified to lead it! Your perspective helps a lot. Thank you. Is it normal then for wanting change? Specifically when you say you don't feel settled/are restless? He has shown a tendency to change his 'life plan' quite frequently. A few of my friends were sure to highlight this characteristic...from the beginning. Often it leads to unfinished business or failed attempts that have been almost debilitating in the past...but I've been there when he needs me.

@Sweetpea76
@scout86
Thank you. It just really hurts to feel suddenly tossed in the trash. And so casually. My boundaries? They hadn't changed: finish my schooling and working on my personal career goals. Our friendship was a gem in the package of all that. I'm very pressed for time with all that I do in my every day, so personally outside of him, dating or seeing 'other people' hasn't been my focus. I feel more at a loss like I'm losing a best friend. Out of my friend pool, he & I spent the most time together and talked regularly over the course of this past year...even when long distance. Now suddenly it's no longer there.

@arfie What do you mean by after 34 years it hurts? Are you just referring to boundaries in general? Are you able to give an example? Thanks again

I guess what I'm struggling with is how he seemed so adamant about "not wanting to date ANYONE" ...it's been very apparent to me he's not in a solid, settled place (financially, career wise, living space, etc). And while I admit yes, I care a lot, I've also been trying really hard to be a supportive friend. But for lack of better explanation (I'm drained right now) I've been feeling blind-folded and trying to find my way around a room. What works? What doesn't? What seems appropriate? And I know intimacy has been involved, but like I said, it would happen naturally and it wasn't the entirety of the friendship by any means.

Is it just as simple as apparently he's met someone 'better' and 'more interesting?' Or is it the concept of just wanting that freedom of self sufficiency (not necessarily having people lined up)?

He still never replied to me. Tonight I just asked if I may have the photos from our Summer together, he promised in the past he'd get them to me. I feel if this is it @Solara, shouldn't I have the decency for proper closure? Or whatever that is any more. I think the text was cowardly. I'll be blunt about that. My therapist said that it was a gesture of respect at least. I haven't quite wrapped my head around that..but it's likely because I'm hurting right now.

I feel like a wreck.
And the irony? The PTSD books (recommended on this site) I had requested at the local library all came in today after several weeks of waiting
:(

 

[Friday]

I know f*ckbuddies (friends with benefits) aren't that common outside of the military...

But I think your friend is nailing things on the head, right here:

"Hey [Busybee] I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I'm going to be seeing other people. I appreciate our friendship but I don't think you understand that's all it can be. Sorry."

He keeps telling you no relationship, no strings, no commitment, etc... And you keep seeing that as a relationship? To the point that there's even the possibility of a breakup? (If you're not dating, you can't break up kind of thing).

"
Have I been being used all this time (it sure as hell never felt like it)? How has he gone from declaring non commitment to stating he's going to see other people in MAYBE 3 weeks time? What happened? Part of me wants to laugh hysterically and am like "it's ok, it's just another part of the cycle." to "have fun with that! They aren't going to put up with your BS" to "It's a test." to "Is this truly how it ends?"

You might have been used if he'd been lying to you, instead of what looks like painstaking honesty: he doesn't want to date / no relationships / no strings.

While a person can literally shift gears from not wanting to date anyone -even for years of feeling / acting this way-, to being willing to date someone in an hour much less weeks... From what he's written, he's being polite. Translate "seeing" to f*cking. As well as the whole list of things one does with the opposite sex that are fine when you're single (snuggling during movies, dancing up on people at clubs, late night conversations, going away for the weekend, etc.) that simply are not fine (most of the time) when you're in a relationship with someone. At the very least, things that you have to discuss with your partner because they have the potential of causing jealousy, hurt feelings, etc. At least in military-sex-culture, these things are also fine when you're f*ckbuddies with one or more people. They don't have any claim on you, so you're under no obligation to seek their permission. Ditto, no one is going to be hurt that you're choosing to spend your time with anyone else (vertical or horizontal). Because f*ckbuddies aren't relationships. They're friendships.

 

[BusyBee]

Hi @FridayJones

Thanks for your response.
I'm just wanting to make sure I understand your post, as I've read it.

We were monogamous (this IS fact). We dated/friends/buddies/someone special/I really don't care what it's called...until now.

He's "breaking up" so he doesn't have the 'blame' or 'guilt' for hurting me [insert timeframe of vertical or horizontal activities] with persons x, y, or z.

Am I missing anything?