General At A Loss Of How To Deal With This Anymore

[newbie2011]

Hi
I am at a loss of what to do and how to handle this anymore. I've read the forums, I've put the suggestions into place , some work, some don't but all are worth trying but I'm starting to feel like banging my head against a wall. I'm tired and don't know if I've got the energy or want to do this for much longer. It's hard hard work being on this emotional rollercoaster :(

After my boyfriend numbing for weeks, we got back together and he declared undying love, wants me to be there, he will put the effort in etc etc. He's been in therapy for 3-4 months now and his symptoms have got much worse believe me! He's angry with everyone around him, he's told the therapists he feels much worse and therapy is useless! They have reassured him the anger will eventually subside (hurry up I say! :unsure: ). He had previously admitted a couple of weeks ago that he's angry with his parents and everyone close to him. Anyway he hates his job in the military which adds to his pressure and I don't see him often as he's always away with work. We had arranged to spend some time together and yet again he let me down by choosing to do things with his friends instead even though we haven't seen each other for weeks (I was annoyed but didn't show it but I did voice that I was disappointed by his decision as we had agreed to spend time together). He said he wants to do what he wants to do and to stop putting pressure on him and he just wanted to leave things as he couldn't handle pressure. I explained his behaviour wasn't acceptable and that I wasn't putting pressure on him but he had to realise this. That was me trying to set some boundaries!

Anyway he came back in an awful mess, he'd been drinking so was very depressed (I was very concerned), he said he couldn't think straight never mind talk and his life is a mess and his head is a mess and he's having a tough time and wants to be on his own that night and that he feels very guilty and wants to hide away. He had therapy and was better and we spoke and he explained that it annoyed him because I didn't get it (PTSD). After explaining I was trying my hardest to learn all about it and obviously I don't get it as I don't suffer from it, but it is hard when someone doesn't voice how they feel and won't pick up the phone but only communicates via text, I have to guess how he is. He blamed me for being hard work and I explained he had to stop blaming me and take responsibility for his own actions. He agreed I wasn't the cause of his stress but I did add to it at times. He agreed that someone just looks at him the wrong way and it sets him off so everything is adding to his stress at present! He explained he felt very guilty as he knew he was being really selfish and his behaviour wasn't appropriate (I'm glad he said this as I haven't voiced this but I don't think he appreciates how his behaviour has been affecting me).

Today he sent a couple of texts annoyed that something had happened with work then he didn't reply to my last text so I just left it. I don't tread on eggshells. It annoys me when he chooses not to come and see me and he can't seem to plan anything with me yet he can plan things in advance with his friends. After being top of his priority list prior to therapy, I don't seem to make an appearance on it at all now. He's extremely selfish and sometimes I do feel like he's using the PTSD as an excuse. My friends are all telling me to leave him and I am wondering if I should just leave him to get on with his therapy and that way I don't add to his pressure but when I've suggested that he doesn't want it but I have to consider what I want and at the moment I seem to have been giving, he's taking and I'm getting nothing in return. Maybe this selfishness is the real him as I hadn't been in a relationship that long before he was diagnosed. I have to admit he is extremely screwed up emotionally and you can see this physically too at times. It is so frustrating because when we actually do see each other we get on great and there are no issues.

Any suggestions gratefully received x

 

[Mrs. T]

Just a thought. This is coming from what I know of my husband. My husband just started therapy and has been getting worse as well. He goes out when he can. He only comes home when he has to or he feels a little better.

He prefers to be around people he doesn't really know. I believe it is also easier to be around friends then family. Reason: with friends he pretends all is well, they talk about whatever. Through that it helps him by helping him forget about things.

When you get together, you say it's always good, do you think maybe he doesn't want to see you unless he is in one of his better moods? Maybe he always wants the good times with you.

I could totally be off, but just my thoughts.

 

[newbie2011]

Mrs T thank you for your reply. I managed to speak with my boyfriend today and he has said exactly what you have said. His friends don't know his diagnosis so they are just the same with him and he feels normal for a little while and he craves to feel normal again. He has admitted he is really relaxed when he's with me but when he's not he can't seem to think that if he sees me he will feel this way, he automatically assumes pressure as he feels everyone is pressurising him and that's why he has chosen his friends over me recently.
How are you coping through all this?

 

[Mrs. T]

I think it's easier for me because I live with him. I still see him at the end of the day, even if it requires staying up late.

Communication helps, if he can do that with you (as he has recently). And I often have to remind myself of what he went through, what he's going through, and that one day things will get better.

Count your blessings and try not to compare your relationship to others (I tend to do this, and it never helps), as it will not compare. If you must compare, just know that every relationship has their problems. That helps me when I start comparing, because I realize that I don't want anyone else's problems to deal with. Their problems would probably be hard for me because I don't love them.

I don't know if this would help, but I would talk to your bf about your needs. One thing that I think my husband had known for a while but has taken a while for him to understand, is knowing that I actually care. Now that he REALLY knows and understands that I care, I think communication is easier for him. I think it was hard for him to really understand because of how he grew up. Let your bf know that he really has to try and see you at least (insert time...once a week?). Make it known (somehow) that you care and you really just want him around, good or bad mood (if that's the case). I think that's what I would do anyway...not that you have to.

 

[Mrs. T]

Btw, my husband has also mentioned how being with friends, or other coping strategies helps him feel normal. at times, after he has been out and still comes back in rough shape, I am able to make him feel better...makes me wonder why he can't try me before going out, for coping. I guess he has it set in his head for what helps...

Wonder if our significant others would get along...? :)

 

[Sunshine71]

Hi Newbie

My I am going through something very simular with my hubby.

He could be on a huge downer and then I see that he has sent a fun email to a friend, With me he cant even talk.

He has said that with others they dont know of his PTSD and this even lead to him having feelings for another woman. We are only 40 and have togther for over 20 years. We have the 'dream' relationship that all his friends wish they had.

Great eh, Its not really the truth now :O(


Maybe let him have his space - but dont let him go through your boundaries. There is a good book that I read and need to re read : Link Removed

It is recommended on this forum too.

Being with someone with PTSD isnt easy. My hubby was an amazing guy and I sometimes do not even recognize him he says and does things that are so not him. Well not the real him.

I dont know how long you have been with your BF Newbie - I dont know if I could have dealt with this - especially when I was younger.

Wishing you all the best and a big virtual hug,

Sunshine xxx

 

[newbie2011]

Thanks Mrs T and Sunshine

I think you're right saying not to compare your relationship to others, it is so easy to do that then realise what you don't have. Communication is a big thing and when my bf opens up he's great and we had a good discussion the other day and I said he has to communicate on the phone not by text as at least then I can gauge how he's feeling by the tone in his voice. He agreed to this but trying to get him to stick to this is challenging!

He admitted I'm not doing anything wrong, it's his issues and not to take things personally as he doesn't want his behaviour to make me sad or upset or for it to have an impact on me (easier said than done!) and he will ignore my message if he's not coping as he doesn't want to say anything which may upset me. I found this to be reassuring as I felt he cares for me so is trying to protect me really :)

He also explained he feels 'normal' for a short while with his friends but sometimes he just wants to be alone. He also said that I should know that he loves me to which I had to explain that I didn't know that because his actions are not displaying that by never wanting to spend time with me and constantly letting me down when we make arrangements.

He explained that when he's with me he feels relaxed and enjoys spending time with me but he has huge issues when he's away from me and can't seem to think that when he next sees me he will feel relaxed and enjoy and that's why he's went off with friends because they are a safe bet. As you say Mrs T I don't know why they don't try spending time with us first :whistling: He's told me he loves me and to bear with him which I suppose makes me feel wanted and knowing it's worth fighting for :) I think I do need to express my needs more though!

Sunshine I will have a look at that book thanks. My bf and I have been together for 8 months although I didn't see him for a month then he did the emotional numbing for 6 weeks and he spends a lot of time working away so really probably 5 months. Is your hubby going through therapy at the moment too?

Virtual hugs back xx

 

[Mrs. T]

Glad you were able to communicate newbie. I do hope it continues. What if you had more frequent short visits? What if he knew that when he saw you he had the freedom to say he needs space, at any time? What if you just plan to see each other and if he is up for it, then you make plans for the rest of your visit? Then he just has to push himself to say hello to you and if he still needs his time, then so be it. That way, he shows he is trying with out too much effort from him (knowing he has a way out if he needs), and you get to physically see him.

Sunshine, wow, that sounds really hard. I really hope your husband comes back to himself soon. I can understand his feelings (from what I have heard and seen of ptsd), but obviously, if he pursued his feelings, it would be a lose lose situation.

My husband is handsome and often has women showing interest in him. He says he always turns them down by talking about me and our boys. But he admits that he gets tempted, not because he thinks they are attractive, but because he wants to be "normal". In my mind, I'm thinking, "sleeping around is normal?" But, I wonder if that comes more from the same reasons we have been discussing.

 

[newbie2011]

Mrs T isn't it strange how they think?! Sunshine that's awful what you've been through too.
I think my bf and I definitely need to see each other more often, his job makes things difficult. When he's not in the mood to see me or anyone, there's no convincing him at all. I think if we spent more time together he'd realise he doesn't get pressure from me (he seems to build this up in his imagination) and he does relax. I can only try ....watch this space! And thank you for all your advice, it's greatly appreciated :)

 

[newbie2011]

Well ladies not so good news today. After my bf saying he would visit me this week, I texted to ask him if he was still planning on meeting up and what day suits. No response. I tried phoning the next day, no response but I get a text saying he's not 'doing with this sh*t today'. Obviously having a bad day. I've told him I'm not putting pressure on him but I have my own life and I need to catch up with friends so I needed to know what was happening, if he wasn't coming to mine then there was no issue and no pressure. To be honest I suspected he would let me down and not visit so it didn't come as a big shock. I have also said I have needs that aren't being met and although he's stepped up a little bit, I need him to step up another little bit if we are to make this work.

What else can you do? You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. I'm just going to leave him be and see if he contacts me :(

 

[Mrs. T]

Sorry to hear that. Really hope he steps up a little more. Thanks for the update!