Just found this thread and wanted to share with you - I've been where you are now. Not exactly, because nobody will ever know exactly what you are going through, but I dealt with a very similar situation.
I did not leave because I was pushed or encouraged to leave... I hadn't told anybody what he was doing. I'd been playing pretend for him, telling everyone how wonderful he was and how sweet and kind and caring and gentle he was.... because if I didn't keep up the act he became anxious about feeling accepted by my family, felt betrayed that I didn't stick up for and defend him, worried that people would see through him and detect my unhappiness, convinced that I was telling people the truth behind his back...
I left because "Mama bear" came out and I wanted to defend my baby from all the hurt he'd caused me. At the time, I'd lost all concern and care about myself. I was suicidal, I didn't care about my life, I thought I was worthless, useless, hopeless, and there was only one reason I didn't follow through with any of my suicidal ideations - my baby needed me to protect him.
It was not easy. I felt terrified. I felt like shit. I felt like I was betraying and abandoning him the way he always accused me of doing when I tried to walk away from our fights. I felt like I had to go right back and apologize profusely even if it meant he'd kill me in a rage. At that point I felt I'd have deserved it, because I was doing exactly what he'd accused me of so many times - leaving him, abandoning him, betraying him...
Even today, I have a hard time accepting when people tell me I'm brave or strong. I don't feel brave or strong. Luckily, I have not seen or interacted with my abuser since I left, but the terror I feel of him is still so deep-seated that showing up to court appearances was a terror in and of themselves just anticipating that he would potentially be there. Nightmares of him finding me have haunted my dreams for a long time...
I just wanted to share this with you to let you know that others have felt what you are feeling and have come away from it - I'm certainly not "perfect" or completely free from my fears, but the terror isn't a part of every minute of my life any more, and my sense of self-worth is back. I care about myself and want to live a better life, I want to progress, and I want to improve, and I want to help others feel the same. I live for more than just my son needing me - I live for me again.
The women's shelter and your therapist can and will help you. If your abuser shows up at all, call the police right away. Don't let him catch you anywhere alone. Have the number for the shelter on your speed dial and if you think he's following you somewhere or seeking you out or showing up at your apartment, call them. The shelter should have the ability to provide you with child care and transportation if needed. Make your HR office aware of the restraining order and give them a picture of your abuser so that they know to call the police if he shows up at your work place.
Take care of yourself! You may feel like it is all pointless right now, like there is no hope, and you don't care about yourself enough to worry about your safety - but you can find protection from him, you can escape, you can find a life that is worth living again. YOU ARE WORTH IT. DON'T GIVE UP.
