Lucycat
Sponsor
My psychiatrist diagnosed me with attachment disorder a few years ago ( in addition to the Complex PTSD). I am still trying to get my head round it and what it means. My first thought, having read up on it, is that it cannot apply to me as I don't have a history of multiple failed relationships.
But, a friend has lent me a fascinating book to read all about a little girl and her attachment issues. I sure can relate to a lot of it.
I was sexually abused by my father, but the psychiatrist suggested that being neglected by my mother was more relevant. This meant that I never had a safe and secure attachment figure to turn to when the going got tough. I hid inside me, and in my own little world. I was the unimportant one. My elder brother was born exactly 9 months after my parents' wedding. 8 weeks later they adopted my big sister, who at that time was aged 5 years. Clearly my Mum as a newly wed, had her hands full. I was conceived when big brother was 9 months old, and I was about a year old when little brother was conceived. So, I can see it very clearly now - the 2 older ones took priority, then the youngest. I just had to 'get on with it' and was largely ignored.
When I left home at 18 to go to London to start my career, I did not look back. I was conscious of many of my new colleagues being home sick, and of their parents visiting the residences in London often. I didn't feel like that, and saw my family rarely. I didn't need them.
I met Rory when I was 19 and we immediately clicked. I informed my parents that I was getting married and arranged the whole thing myself. I didn't need their help. I was in control. I was 21 when we got married and that is now 28 years ago. When we were first married I struggled with Rory's 3 sons when they came to visit. I tried to control them too, and they were having none of it. They were primary school age, and we had some battles of wills. I can see now that I have always tried to control my environment and the people around me in order to remain feeling safe. My parents had not kept me safe so that was my own job. In order to do that I would sometimes manipulate people to get what I wanted. I remember doing that at school to get my way - and it worked. If I manipulated others, they do what I want and therefore I am still in control even if they think they are. It is very clever.
I sometimes wonder how I have managed to remain married for so long. Rory believes that it is because he has always allowed me to be in control. He is by no means a doormat, but he allows me to be the decision maker much of the time.This has applied with the very big decisions in our life like starting and abandoning fertility treatment. We have certainly had discussions about these things, but he has never tried to coerce or persuade me against my will. His training as a psychiatric nurse has certainly helped him in dealing with me, because he is actually highly trained in avoiding confrontation. It is not something he thinks about - just the way he is. We have had our ups and downs. We have survived some really big problems and other people's interventions. At the end of the day we stand together and for that I am eternally grateful.
I would suggest that I still do not have the same ability to attach as 'normal' people. My instinct is to distrust. I have very few friends. I hate crowds and I hate fancy dress - whereby people are hiding their true self from me. I don't like being under scrutiny or feeling vulnerable. If someone asks where I am from that feels threatening.I don't readily talk to strangers and people can see me as 'different'
But, despite all of that I actually hide it well. I have a good job, and 3 very loving stepsons. I no longer force them - or the grandchildren - to do anything. I can sit back and not be in control when they visit - although I find it very tiring - but I can do it.
But, a friend has lent me a fascinating book to read all about a little girl and her attachment issues. I sure can relate to a lot of it.
I was sexually abused by my father, but the psychiatrist suggested that being neglected by my mother was more relevant. This meant that I never had a safe and secure attachment figure to turn to when the going got tough. I hid inside me, and in my own little world. I was the unimportant one. My elder brother was born exactly 9 months after my parents' wedding. 8 weeks later they adopted my big sister, who at that time was aged 5 years. Clearly my Mum as a newly wed, had her hands full. I was conceived when big brother was 9 months old, and I was about a year old when little brother was conceived. So, I can see it very clearly now - the 2 older ones took priority, then the youngest. I just had to 'get on with it' and was largely ignored.
When I left home at 18 to go to London to start my career, I did not look back. I was conscious of many of my new colleagues being home sick, and of their parents visiting the residences in London often. I didn't feel like that, and saw my family rarely. I didn't need them.
I met Rory when I was 19 and we immediately clicked. I informed my parents that I was getting married and arranged the whole thing myself. I didn't need their help. I was in control. I was 21 when we got married and that is now 28 years ago. When we were first married I struggled with Rory's 3 sons when they came to visit. I tried to control them too, and they were having none of it. They were primary school age, and we had some battles of wills. I can see now that I have always tried to control my environment and the people around me in order to remain feeling safe. My parents had not kept me safe so that was my own job. In order to do that I would sometimes manipulate people to get what I wanted. I remember doing that at school to get my way - and it worked. If I manipulated others, they do what I want and therefore I am still in control even if they think they are. It is very clever.
I sometimes wonder how I have managed to remain married for so long. Rory believes that it is because he has always allowed me to be in control. He is by no means a doormat, but he allows me to be the decision maker much of the time.This has applied with the very big decisions in our life like starting and abandoning fertility treatment. We have certainly had discussions about these things, but he has never tried to coerce or persuade me against my will. His training as a psychiatric nurse has certainly helped him in dealing with me, because he is actually highly trained in avoiding confrontation. It is not something he thinks about - just the way he is. We have had our ups and downs. We have survived some really big problems and other people's interventions. At the end of the day we stand together and for that I am eternally grateful.
I would suggest that I still do not have the same ability to attach as 'normal' people. My instinct is to distrust. I have very few friends. I hate crowds and I hate fancy dress - whereby people are hiding their true self from me. I don't like being under scrutiny or feeling vulnerable. If someone asks where I am from that feels threatening.I don't readily talk to strangers and people can see me as 'different'
But, despite all of that I actually hide it well. I have a good job, and 3 very loving stepsons. I no longer force them - or the grandchildren - to do anything. I can sit back and not be in control when they visit - although I find it very tiring - but I can do it.
