Attachment In Therapy - Another Thread

[Hashi]

Although she keeps saying attachment in therapy is inevitable, and although she 'feeds' the attachment by staying in email contact, I also experience her as cold - obviously not as uncaring, I think she proves with every email that she cares, but she is incredibly distant.

I think you could experience any therapist as anything - attachment issues are going to come up with anyone, whatever they do.

If she didn't have boundaries, that would be unprofessional and potentially disastrous for managing the attachment. Yet if she does have boundaries, she can be perceived as withholding.

If your therapist has been deliberately and calculatedly following a hot and cold strategy in order to provoke your attachment issues then that's a different thing. I'm still unclear on that.

 

[Pencil]

If your therapist has been deliberately and calculatedly following a hot and cold strategy in order to provoke your attachment issues then that's a different thing. I'm still unclear on that.

So am I, and that is why I started this thread, hoping for insight.

We all know that children who grow up in abusive homes are forced to remain attached to their abusers - and do so without feeling forced. Consequently they have struggles differentiating between toxic and healthy relationships later in life.

I seem to attach for life - but an attachment to me is always an 'empty' attachment - there is no intimacy, no communication, sharing, affection - nothing. The problem for me is not in attaching, it is the relationship. This 'thing' with the therapist is 'empty', and I don't know whether it is so destabilizing because it is good or because it is bad. That's all

she does have boundaries

I've never understood the boundary issue. This has nothing to do with boundaries - I don't contact her telephonically (and don't want to), I keep my email reasonable and rational and to the point. I don't expect her to respond immediately. I'm very grateful for the email contact and thank her for that, I know she has zero obligation, and I let her know that I know. The fence is not the issue, it is the quality of the pasture, so to speak.

Anyway, I think that this thread has helped me to see that I should be proactive in looking for another therapist.

 

[Pencil]

I have also had the incredibly difficult task of examining my relationship

Yes, but what you fail to see is that you have something to work with. Perhaps I should try a final analogy: Antibiotics is THE THING for food poisoning, but not for hunger.

 

[Pencil]

I have to use a different way.

@Hashi : do you have any idea what it could be?

 

[Lucycat]

Yes, but what you fail to see is that you have something to work with.

Yes and I still fail to see. I had 'disordered attachment' to work with. The cause of which was (my) parental relationships. You are implying that you have nothing to work with. If that is the case where did your attachment difficulty come from? Surely there is a negative attachment relationship that caused it ie I note your comments on Trauma of omission, but even within your post it says that it can be dealt with by the opportunity of reparenting. Is this something that has been mentioned in one of your emails to T ?

 

[Pencil]

it can be dealt with by the opportunity of reparenting. Is this something that has been mentioned in one of your emails to T ?

Yes, her response was that I have to 'befriend the pain of unmet needs' and be kind to myself. I constantly feel as if she simply sends me back to myself. My question to her was along the lines of - if being kind to myself (which I try to be, but struggle with) and accepting that my needs will never be met is the answer, why do I need to attach to you? Why not just stay with myself by myself as I've always done? She did not answer.

 

[Pencil]

I had 'disordered attachment' to work with.

Yes, but in the context of a marriage. I am in a vacuum.

 

[Lucycat]

Why not just stay with myself by myself as I've always done?

I cannot answer for her, but would suggest this is a matter of choice. Do you want to change or not? If you do then you work on it. If not, leave well alone. Your historical unmet need can never be changed. What you can change is the way you think and feel about it, and that will influence the future. To know what can be achieved you need to talk about what you have and what you have not - but wanted and needed.

You mention looking for a new T. I am surprised that having shared this much with this T, that if you have the finances to find a new T you don't use her to further explore these issues that you have only, so far, touched upon.
Is it fear that is making you want to run in the opposite direction?

 

[Pencil]

A friend of mine recently said I am the easiest person to be friends with. I asked her why. She said I was low maintenance. I asked her what she meant. She said I make no demands.

I was astounded - it had never occurred to me to make demands. What sort of demands do friends make?

 

[Lucycat]

Yes, but in the context of a marriage. I am in a vacuum.

.. and in the context of being a parent I am in a vacuum too. We both still have relationships to nurture - yours with your daughter.

 

[Pencil]

You mention looking for a new T. I am surprised that having shared this much with this T, that if you have the finances to find a new T you don't use her to further explore these issues that you have only, so far, touched upon.

This is turning into hair splitting. I can't afford private therapy so this therapist is out of the question. She gave me a lifeline, and I will always be grateful to her. But I need to explore the possibility of therapy in our dreadful State Hospital system. Even if there is nothing available, I need to end this contact that is creating more problems for me.

 

[Pencil]

yours with your daughter.

And how the f*ck do I do that? With respect, I don't want to continue this conversation.