I joined this forum months ago, posted a brief vague introduction, and retreated, every once in a while poking my head in to see what wisdom others had for me. I think it's time I attempted a bit more interaction.
A little over a year ago, I was blessed with a fantastic job opportunity and I threw myself into learning it. It was difficult because it involved a lot of technical information I was not yet familiar with and it was a small company so there was very little training to speak of. All this would have yet been stressful but also so wonderful I could handle it and would have eventually flourished.
However, I also, stupidly, took a chance on another relationship. Without going into a lot of detail, suffice it to say that I continue to choose abusive people to date and sometimes even to be friends with. I just "knew" it would be different this time and ignored all the red flags because "we all have red flags." Sadly, though even when he choked me, I didn't leave him.
The trauma from this relationship (I am not purporting to be a saint but I am done trying to convince myself that I deserved abuse) began to take over. I missed many days at work while I struggled with brand new seizure activity (when he choked me and once not); constant, severe tremors; etc. I'm not sure I'm actually giving enough detail to paint a good picture. So, feel free to ask questions. I'm trying to relearn how to socialize. Though they were thrilled with my work at work (planned to give me a $2/hr. raise before someone who had been there a year longer), they couldn't keep missing an employee and I couldn't keep pushing myself to be there when it wasn't even enough to keep my job.
After another fight which resulted in a bruise I had for a month, I packed and left my ex to move in with my amazing sister, her husband, and their daughter. That weekend, instead of checking myself into a hospital, I hid out in their home and emailed my boss my resignation.
I'm writing this now to ask for help. How do I forgive myself for letting down a manager and company that took a chance on me and coworkers who I ultimately betrayed? I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt as I am in the process of finally trying to get another job. I am not even sure how okay I am now but disability is going nowhere and I have two children I need to provide for when I get them back in the summer (their dad and I trade years since he and his enlisted wife are stationed in Florida so the kids have some stability and their education is not interrupted).
P. S. Please let me clarify something: Though it may sound that way with what little information I gave, I am by no means playing a victim to any of the abuse I have received in my life. I apologize if it sounds that way. Please understand that I am struggling to socialize again and have really had to push myself just to author this message. Please be gentle but honest.
P. P. S. Any advice on what to tell a potential employer about why you left your last job when you left because you had a nervous breakdown?
Thank you preemptively!!
- Shae
A little over a year ago, I was blessed with a fantastic job opportunity and I threw myself into learning it. It was difficult because it involved a lot of technical information I was not yet familiar with and it was a small company so there was very little training to speak of. All this would have yet been stressful but also so wonderful I could handle it and would have eventually flourished.
However, I also, stupidly, took a chance on another relationship. Without going into a lot of detail, suffice it to say that I continue to choose abusive people to date and sometimes even to be friends with. I just "knew" it would be different this time and ignored all the red flags because "we all have red flags." Sadly, though even when he choked me, I didn't leave him.
The trauma from this relationship (I am not purporting to be a saint but I am done trying to convince myself that I deserved abuse) began to take over. I missed many days at work while I struggled with brand new seizure activity (when he choked me and once not); constant, severe tremors; etc. I'm not sure I'm actually giving enough detail to paint a good picture. So, feel free to ask questions. I'm trying to relearn how to socialize. Though they were thrilled with my work at work (planned to give me a $2/hr. raise before someone who had been there a year longer), they couldn't keep missing an employee and I couldn't keep pushing myself to be there when it wasn't even enough to keep my job.
After another fight which resulted in a bruise I had for a month, I packed and left my ex to move in with my amazing sister, her husband, and their daughter. That weekend, instead of checking myself into a hospital, I hid out in their home and emailed my boss my resignation.
I'm writing this now to ask for help. How do I forgive myself for letting down a manager and company that took a chance on me and coworkers who I ultimately betrayed? I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt as I am in the process of finally trying to get another job. I am not even sure how okay I am now but disability is going nowhere and I have two children I need to provide for when I get them back in the summer (their dad and I trade years since he and his enlisted wife are stationed in Florida so the kids have some stability and their education is not interrupted).
P. S. Please let me clarify something: Though it may sound that way with what little information I gave, I am by no means playing a victim to any of the abuse I have received in my life. I apologize if it sounds that way. Please understand that I am struggling to socialize again and have really had to push myself just to author this message. Please be gentle but honest.
P. P. S. Any advice on what to tell a potential employer about why you left your last job when you left because you had a nervous breakdown?
Thank you preemptively!!
- Shae
