Aughhh! Had A Horrible Nightmare

[deer_in_headlights]

Whew!!! Good Job, Heather!!!

Thinking of you, and hope you feel much, much better this weekend!
I hope you can do lots of really great self-nurturing, pampering for yourself - you deserve it!
Sending much love!

 

[tryingnottosleep]

I remember talking to a psychistrist once who said that certain stimulations are purely biological, that a person who is sexually assaulted can experience hormonal releases normally associated with voluntary sexual activity, but because of the trauma they would be unnoticed at the time. Later, when recollecting the trauma the brain could also remember the hormonal releases and mistake them for pleasureable (due to other associations?). He specifically mentioned victims having dreams wherein they enjoyed the event, though the event was in reality nothing but a horror and the persons experiencing the dreams felt much guilt and confusion.

This may be all incorrect, but I can say from personal experience that endorphine release is a powerful thing. Please try not to blame yourself, our body does many strange things under stress, and the reliving of these things is by it's nature primal and confusing.

Be strong

 

[Heather]

I have been having bad dreams again, not rape nightmares just bad dreams. They're bad enough to wake up to the point that I can't go back to sleep. The other night I was up at 2 a.m. I went to bed at 11:30p.m. I didn't get back to sleep until almost 6 a.m.

I've also been sleeping very weird, and when I wake up my knees hurt and my elbows ache. So, I must be sleeping all twisted. I woke up yesterday morning and my neck was killing me, and this morning my back hurts. I had my daughter who weighs 47 lbs. stand on my back, that seemed to help. I HATE THIS!!!!

I found a box of razor blades. I was at my therapists office today meeting with my daughters therapist and I should have said something to him when I walked by his office but I didn't. Now I can't even call him cause the phones are down cause of all the snow. Will have to wait til Monday.

 

[Marie E.]

Giving encouragement to leave the razor blades alone. God knows it is tempting for me too. I've recently been picking the skin on my face and legs, though not as bad, but still there!! I will tell my T about it. You are not alone Heather (((Big Hugs)))

 

[Heather]

Thanks - Marie. It's scary I want to do some serious damage. We're talking going to the hospital and needing stitches - kind of damage.

I really don't know what's going on with me lately? Well, that's not true - it's just all to overwhelming.

Hugs back. heather

 

[Marie E.]

Trust me I want to so badly right now, so let's support each other.

 

[h2o]

Hi Heather,

Sending you big hugs - I too had a horrible dream last night and it sucks. It was so vivid and frightening, and it is a recurring dream I have when I am not in a good state of mind.

Just try and hang in there. With regards to the cutting please seek help for this if you can - it is one of the things I have done to try and release or distract from my negative emotions but it can also have horrible consequences. Try if you can, to get rid of your negative emotions in a more constructive manner - scream, punch a punching bag, run, write all your emotions down, talk to a trusted friend or whatever helps.

I know where you are coming from cause I have self-destructive tendencies myself and it is so easy for me to hurt myself because I am so used to others hurting me so I go into that 'self-destructive mode', which is my default which takes a lot of 'un-doing' but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Hope you get some good rest tonight,

Hugs,

h2o

 

[Heather]

Thanks h2o. The urge to self-destruct is overwhelming. A part of me wonders if it's attention seeking? Which makes me thinks I don't need to do it. So, at this point anything that keeps me from NOT doing it I'll take but at least I'm being honest with myself.

I've been having horrible body memories lately....I feel hands all over me. Especially between my legs and it drives me crazy. I've been having these for years and it doesn't get any easier but why would it?!:mad:

 

[cherryblossom]

I've been having these for years and it doesn't get any easier but why would it?!:mad:

It won't get easier unless you do something about it. It won't just go away and get better on it's own. Sadly, it doesn't work like that. But, it can get easier, if you work hard on your trauma, to remove the negative emotions attached. Your brain holds the fear, which manifests in your body. Work hard to resolve your trauma, remove or at least reduce the associated fear, and you should be able to regain some control. Your nightmares will reduce, as will your body memories.

 

[Marie E.]

Just keep sharing when it is the right time Sister and may I suggest that you do something at the times you can to comfort yourself, whether it is a teddy bear, a heating pad as I am now using, or something that grounds you. I have a snuggie (seen on tv BS) but it was a gift and helps to comfort me when I feel the worst. Just trying to help. All I can really do is give you my unconditional support. (((Big Hugs))) and Linking arms with you!!

 

[BloomInWinter]

Heather,

I too have that awful dream...ugh. Haven't commented b/c of the triggering but I know the feelings I feel...vile revulsion...like being in h3ll already.

I don't have wisdom for making the dream go away but I do know speaking mean to myself doesn't help ground me...just heaps awful judgment on top of the other feelings.

If I talk to myself like I would any child who has had an awful nightmare...I feel safer.

NOT your fault. Hope you are finding grounding to discharge the pent-up energy from this.

((((((((Heather)))))))))))

 

[Heather]

Thanks Bloom, I am having a hard time being kind to myself lately. I'm having a hard time doing a lot of things lately. Functioning is hard. I can be supportive of others, just not myself.