Aunt Feels Guilty! Is This Normal?

[Bluebelle1910]

Hey Everyone
New to the forums.
I thought this would be the best place to post my question and get some feedback... maybe some advice about how to deal with what I am feeling.

This past weekend was spent camping with my family. (I am a grown adult now.)
What has been bothering me is feeling guilty for not stepping in when my Dad punished my nephew. (My Das has had PTSD from "the war" and his unspoken childhood abuse.)

I am an Aunt to a nephew and two neices. The minute this camping trip began, my Dad was short-tempered with the kids ALL weekend (being verbally abusive and passive-aggressive) until he "snapped" and got after my young nephew about helping clean up the campsite.
My sister, (the children's mother) is tough on her kids (having been raised with a strong hand by my dad and was especially hard on her as the first-born)
So Dad's constant belittling and humiliating his grand kids never seems to faze her - always pointing out to her kids they they need to mind. (She never contradicts what he says. Not because she agrees, so much as is too afraid to say otherwise.)
Anyway, the 10 year old nephew got in trouble with Grandpa and before anybody blinked, he went after the boy and wrestled him to the ground and spanked him repeatedly. (After the fact, the boy had a bruised and scraped elbow from being pummeled to the ground).
I was up and out of my chair and dashing off to go take a walk - taking my two nieces with me.
My sister was there but did not do anything to STOP my dad from spanking him! (She's so afraid of him she allows him to punish her kids... something I CANNOT understand!)
My question ... the guilt I feel is leaving the boy there... not stepping in and doing something. I so often feel I am discounted as an adult in situations with my nieces and nephew because I am not their mother ... but their mother won't stand up to my dad and tell him NO!
I, myself, (the only grown sibling in therapy)... am torn about how I handled this. I feel so responsible for what happened between my nephew and my dad.
Is this normal to feel this way??

 

[intothelight]

Hi Bluebelle,

This is just my personal opinion. I think not to feel torn would be abnormal. But you cannot make excuses for your sister's or your father's behavior. It is quite alright to express your feelings, concerns, and beliefs. Let them know that you find the constant berating and physical punishment unacceptable.

You may get a lot of backlash from your family, but things never change until someone calls for it. Sometimes a person needs to be the voice for those that cannot speak for themselves.

Debbie

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum Bluebelle. This is a very heartwrenching situation for you and the kids. Sounds like the whole family would need to be in therapy. This is a very unfortunate situation and as Debbie mentionned, you will have to take into consideration the backlash that this will cause. What I would suggest is that you do this in front of the kids, so that they will have the living proof that there was at least one adult that stood up for them. Your nephew will need that.

 

[Srain]

Bluebelle, welcome to the Site.

My first reaction to this was to be furious at the reaction of a grown man tackling a child and hitting him while the parent left. Don't get me wrong, I understand completely the reasons, I have come to call it 'The Manchurian Candidate' response to the hierarchy in the family. It is outrageous and sad and I grew up with it myself but it's difficult to truly understand it until you actually see it done to someone else, however, watching it done to you in your family can be one of the loneliest feeling ever as a child.

I had a GF that falls due to severe physical issues and was out with her family one night at a restaurant, she has 4 big grown brothers, and a rather cold mother. She excused herself to use the restroom, upon returning she fell a table or so beyond theirs. Not one member of her family , save her husband, never budged nor looked her way. They didn't come to help her up or discontinue their conversation. Nobody even inquired how she was the rest of the evening despite many other restaurant goers and workers stopping over and asking her how she was doing. All the "boys" acted as "boys" in front of Mom. They were no long grown men. Mom was talking and would not be interrupted.

Intothelight, said it very well, nothing changes unless something changes. I just want to affirm your sense of reality, your sister is your Nephew's mother, she should be protecting him, she's an adult now.

peace,
Rain

 

[Bluebelle1910]

Thank you for all your kind words and advice.
It has helped me feel stronger and clarify what I need to do.

Although I am not the children's mother, I see now my feelings about their situation DO matter and I can speak up about it (and speak up for the children when no one else will).My hope is that my sister will begin to see what is going on (get over her own insecurities our Dad makes her feel) and be able to begin being an emotionally protective parent to her kids around him - and I will back her up 1, 000%.
This unsupported feeling of being vulnerable in the world as a powerless child, even in the "comfort" of one's own family, is a pattern I see repeated from my own upbringing with both my parents.

Change is difficult (and it ain't always pretty!) but this demeaning treatment has gone on long enough.
My nieces and nephew deserve to have someone show them they matter by standing up for them -- that is exactly what I am going to do from now on.

Thanks again to everyone for their concern and caring words!

 

[Srain]

Hey Bluebelle,

It's not always easy to do but the children will never for that you stood for them and that you loved them enough to say "stop". I'm hoping that you are getting your own support as well.

Peace,
Rain